Advice for Jealous Girlfriend
Monday December 4, 2006
Dear Kathy,
My girlfriend has exes and friends that are interested in her sexually. They text and call her constantly and she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it...It's gotten to the point where if she and I are together and she turns her cell off, they show up at her job. She does inform me of it but to me its very disrespectful. What should I do?
Signed,
Jealous Joan
Dear JJ, Thanks for writing in. Jealousy can be a hard thing in a relationship. It's good to get an outside perspective. Here's what I think. I think this is an issue of respect. And it sounds to me like your girlfriend is disrespecting you. What other advice do I have for JJ?.
What advice would you give JJ? Add your comments below.
Comments
hey joan frist i think you need to find out what zodiac sign you girlfriend is and read about it, then you need to look up your zodiac sign and read about it, but from the looks of it your girlfreind is probably an aquarious and you might be a taurus and those are two very hard signs to get to understand each othere but it can work or your woman is just probably freindly and you are going to have to take it or let her go and find someone that completes you with out the stress but jealousy is not coo and it will just push her to do it more check yourself and what you want bye.
I don’t think it’s necessarily disrespectful, but I do think that there is some sort of communication problem. Just because people want to sleep with her doesn’t mean they can’t be her friend (it’s different with Exes). Hell, most of my guy friends want to sleep with me but know that they have a snowball’s chance in hell of doing so.
You guys need to talk about it. If necessary, you need to tell the “friends” to lay off a bit. You also need to help your girl find the strength to tell them no. You cannot do it for her or force her to do it. It has to be something she does.
That’s just my take on it.
I must say that I agree with what Jenn said. You need to clarify to her what you feel. There are always going to be people that are going to attempt to knock you down & take the good things other people have. If you really want to get this taken care of, then you need to really let her in on your thoughts. She may not even truly realize how this is affecting you & the relationship. So give it a shot, GOOD LUCK!!!
i agree about the poor boundaries and attention seeking low self esteem aspect. still there are a lot of things we dont know here….how does she speak to these other people about your relationship? does she present it in a strong commited favourable light? or does she present it like it is temporary fling?
it sounds like these other people have poor boundaries too and are disrespectful of your relationship and of her. She needs to stand up for herself, decide what the two of yours relationship is to her, and make a statement to these other people. It really doesn’t have to be about you, and you needent be involved in this aspect other than supporting her and standing beihind her in this. otherwise she will just see you as a bully and so will these others.
also she recognizes that she “has no backbone”…is she comfortable with that???? does she use it as an excuse? that is not a healthy way to move through the world she should go into therapy, go inside herself, develop some self-love self-awareness and self-esteem. It will be empowering to her. However, she does seem to gain some skewed feeling of “power” through the attraction and attention she gets from these people but it is not healthy. she will go through a kind of withdrawal before she realizes and has a clear and confident sense that she is better off stating her needs and desires and boundaries in her relationships. this could very well be the great purpose of your relationship with her….This is what her soul is yearning for and you will help her to see that it is imperative for her to do this work now and move to a new level in her self-evolution, way of relating to herself and others and of being in intimate relationships.
I feel for your situation, I am an intuitive counselor/artist/lesbian in a commited relationship. Please email me if you need support.
I still cannot understand why womyn in new reltionships, need to be so joined at the hip, with their exes?? It’s not a jealousy thing, it’s more about moving on and keeping some things private & personal. I agree, she’s being disrespectful & further, too chatty with the exes…. I wouldn’t like it myself, as the new partner, & to me I see red flags….sorry, that’s the way I see it! This is a new relationship not a piece of their business to know! I wouldn’t put up with it! But that’s just me!
I see this in a whole different light than everyone who made a comment. I don’t understand why you are concerned with people who don’t want to see you and your girlfriend happy. If she turns her phone off to ignore these people why are you still worried. She is with you. There is a saying that “misery loves company.” There is no need to be jealous thats what her friends what you to exhibit. And if you let people outside your relationship control what you do in your relationship you are weak just like them. Voice your opinion to your girlfriend and let her handle the situation, these are supposed to be her friends. And from my life experience friends, true friends want the best for you. All i am saying is be in control of your relationship. If those outside of it talk about you and your girlfriend they are jealous of what you have. They need to stop worrying about you and go and get their own. Relationship are hard enough to handle you don’t need any extra drama. You should feel like a superstar if everyone is so consumed with what you are doing because they can’t do it themselves. Brush that hatred off before it ruins your relationship. Good luck
I think Lissa put it best……how is she portraying the relationship to these wanna-be lovers? I just recently got out of a relationship and have found out how many were interested but never said a word during my time with my lover simply because they knew that I was committed, I’m thinking if she doesnt let these people know she’s committed to you then its fair game in their mind…..she’s letting them for a reason….find out what it is and you’ll have your answer about how she feels about you…..
D~~
I have a bit of advice for you.
How about you start off by manning up, your already a dyke now finish the process off! Grow some balls and do something about it!
Love Jay and Silent Bob
I had the same issue:
I’ve only been dating my girlfriend for 4 months, and (not to brag) but she is stunning. Guys and girls are constantly flirting with her and, being my first girlfriend, it sort of freaked me out and made me self-conscious, like I wished I’d had a not-so-attractive girlfriend or something. She is very polite with the flirting, and while she doesn’t really flirt back, she doesn’t exactly discourage it, either. She is also best friends with her ex of 5 years. They broke up about 5 years ago, but they talk on the phone just about every day. My girlfriend sounds so happy when they talk, and at first it really made me angry and jealous. I did some reading on jealousy and anger and learned that those emotions were really displaced feelings of fear and mistrust. So, I asked myself- has she given me any REAL reason not to trust her? No. She can’t help that people find her attractive, and she can’t be expected not to talk to someone who has been her best friend for ten years. Could my fear of my girlfriend going back to her ex become a reality? Not likely. Could my fear of losing her to one of the flirters become a reality? It could, but again she has given me no other evidence that that is even remotely a possibility. Finally, I confessed to my girlfriend that I was jealous. She was really strangely flattered and reassured me, and now she tries to make a point to bring me up in conversation so that people know we’re together, just to ease my mind. It’s sort of like our little game- I don’t expect it but it’s nice when she remembers! Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do the same!
As a heterosexual male I feel like….WHO CARES!!( Oh and I think it’s real cute that the homosexual females like the same thing I do.)
I’ve been the one who allows my exes to express their sexual desires for me while I’m in a relationship with my partner and it isn’t because I don’t have a backbone. I actually understand when women and anyone wants what they can’t have, even if they’ve had it already. I talk to my partner about my exes and I’ve decided that my relationship is better when I tell the exes that the passes aren’t wanted. It doesn’t stop them, however, but at least I defined my boundary. And some people just don’t live within boundaries, I am considered to be one of those people. However, she should set some type of boundary up for you, because you are uncomfortable. Usually, this will be a factor in a break up because it’s almost like you have to stop being friends for the passes to stop. And most likely, you’re not going to end a friendship.
Seems to be a common problem. My “girlfriend” and i have the same problem. (the “” is because i won’t call her my girlfriend until shes learned to respect my feelings)We haave been of and on for 2 years and the off and on part hasn’t helped with the trust. She left me for her supposed best friend just before christmas last year. and yo-yoed us back and forth for a few months. finally she made up her mind to be with me but still insists on maintaining contect with not only her ex best friend but all of her ex’s. most of whom would like nothing more then to see me disappear. She is a Gemini. i am a Leo. this has made this pretty difficult…but we’re working on it and slowly things are getting better…good luck!
my comment is this: im so jealous of my girls ex that its not funny. she knows i dont like her because i feel she wants to mess with my girl. we are talking bout having kids and a marriage but with her ex around i know that that will never happen. and yet i cant seem to tell her not to talk to her any more because im not the type to tell someone what to do.
As a person in a relationship with someone that feels the need to be friends with ex’s, it’s tough. I came from the straight world where we had “bounds that tied us together”, we don’t have that in the lesbian world. I feel sometimes like I shouldn’t become too overly involved in our relationship, 2+ years, because what if she decides that she doesn’t want me and my child in her life, we’re gone. She owns the home.
She has relationships with ex’s that are coupled in long term relationships and I don’t have a problem with that, I do have a problem with one particular person that she broke up with prior to me. She wasn’t happy in that relationship for many reasons, started looking to meet someone new, I was that person. I did not break up their relationship, they did that to one another long before I came along. Now she want’s to be friends with this person, because while their relationship didn’t work, they were always friends, she says. I have problems with that, because the other person did not willingly break off the relationship. She was broken up with. We never had a relationship until she was seperate from that relationship, but I still feel guilt. I don’t trust her around this person, and I don’t feel she’s being honest about her feelings. I have a child, the ex doesn’t. I feel sometimes she feels trapped, and that’s nothing to build stability and a relationship on. Please help.