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Dear Kathy,
My girlfriend has exes and friends that are interested in her sexually. They text and call her constantly and she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it...It's gotten to the point where if she and I are together and she turns her cell off, they show up at her job. She does inform me of it but to me its very disrespectful. What should I do?
Signed,
Jealous Joan

Dear JJ, Thanks for writing in. Jealousy can be a hard thing in a relationship. It's good to get an outside perspective. Here's what I think. I think this is an issue of respect. And it sounds to me like your girlfriend is disrespecting you. What other advice do I have for JJ?.

What advice would you give JJ? Add your comments below.

Comments
December 4, 2006 at 10:26 am
(1) angela says:

hey joan frist i think you need to find out what zodiac sign you girlfriend is and read about it, then you need to look up your zodiac sign and read about it, but from the looks of it your girlfreind is probably an aquarious and you might be a taurus and those are two very hard signs to get to understand each othere but it can work or your woman is just probably freindly and you are going to have to take it or let her go and find someone that completes you with out the stress but jealousy is not coo and it will just push her to do it more check yourself and what you want bye.

December 4, 2006 at 2:49 pm
(2) Jenn says:

I don’t think it’s necessarily disrespectful, but I do think that there is some sort of communication problem. Just because people want to sleep with her doesn’t mean they can’t be her friend (it’s different with Exes). Hell, most of my guy friends want to sleep with me but know that they have a snowball’s chance in hell of doing so.

You guys need to talk about it. If necessary, you need to tell the “friends” to lay off a bit. You also need to help your girl find the strength to tell them no. You cannot do it for her or force her to do it. It has to be something she does.

That’s just my take on it.

December 5, 2006 at 10:30 am
(3) Jules says:

I must say that I agree with what Jenn said. You need to clarify to her what you feel. There are always going to be people that are going to attempt to knock you down & take the good things other people have. If you really want to get this taken care of, then you need to really let her in on your thoughts. She may not even truly realize how this is affecting you & the relationship. So give it a shot, GOOD LUCK!!!

December 5, 2006 at 2:15 pm
(4) lissa says:

i agree about the poor boundaries and attention seeking low self esteem aspect. still there are a lot of things we dont know here….how does she speak to these other people about your relationship? does she present it in a strong commited favourable light? or does she present it like it is temporary fling?
it sounds like these other people have poor boundaries too and are disrespectful of your relationship and of her. She needs to stand up for herself, decide what the two of yours relationship is to her, and make a statement to these other people. It really doesn’t have to be about you, and you needent be involved in this aspect other than supporting her and standing beihind her in this. otherwise she will just see you as a bully and so will these others.
also she recognizes that she “has no backbone”…is she comfortable with that???? does she use it as an excuse? that is not a healthy way to move through the world she should go into therapy, go inside herself, develop some self-love self-awareness and self-esteem. It will be empowering to her. However, she does seem to gain some skewed feeling of “power” through the attraction and attention she gets from these people but it is not healthy. she will go through a kind of withdrawal before she realizes and has a clear and confident sense that she is better off stating her needs and desires and boundaries in her relationships. this could very well be the great purpose of your relationship with her….This is what her soul is yearning for and you will help her to see that it is imperative for her to do this work now and move to a new level in her self-evolution, way of relating to herself and others and of being in intimate relationships.
I feel for your situation, I am an intuitive counselor/artist/lesbian in a commited relationship. Please email me if you need support.

December 6, 2006 at 2:09 am
(5) Terry says:

I still cannot understand why womyn in new reltionships, need to be so joined at the hip, with their exes?? It’s not a jealousy thing, it’s more about moving on and keeping some things private & personal. I agree, she’s being disrespectful & further, too chatty with the exes…. I wouldn’t like it myself, as the new partner, & to me I see red flags….sorry, that’s the way I see it! This is a new relationship not a piece of their business to know! I wouldn’t put up with it! But that’s just me!

December 6, 2006 at 4:34 am
(6) D.E. says:

I see this in a whole different light than everyone who made a comment. I don’t understand why you are concerned with people who don’t want to see you and your girlfriend happy. If she turns her phone off to ignore these people why are you still worried. She is with you. There is a saying that “misery loves company.” There is no need to be jealous thats what her friends what you to exhibit. And if you let people outside your relationship control what you do in your relationship you are weak just like them. Voice your opinion to your girlfriend and let her handle the situation, these are supposed to be her friends. And from my life experience friends, true friends want the best for you. All i am saying is be in control of your relationship. If those outside of it talk about you and your girlfriend they are jealous of what you have. They need to stop worrying about you and go and get their own. Relationship are hard enough to handle you don’t need any extra drama. You should feel like a superstar if everyone is so consumed with what you are doing because they can’t do it themselves. Brush that hatred off before it ruins your relationship. Good luck

December 6, 2006 at 7:13 am
(7) D~~ says:

I think Lissa put it best……how is she portraying the relationship to these wanna-be lovers? I just recently got out of a relationship and have found out how many were interested but never said a word during my time with my lover simply because they knew that I was committed, I’m thinking if she doesnt let these people know she’s committed to you then its fair game in their mind…..she’s letting them for a reason….find out what it is and you’ll have your answer about how she feels about you…..
D~~

December 7, 2006 at 7:05 am
(8) Toyer Ma says:

I have a bit of advice for you.

How about you start off by manning up, your already a dyke now finish the process off! Grow some balls and do something about it!

Love Jay and Silent Bob

July 21, 2008 at 1:54 am
(9) Jan says:

I had the same issue:

I’ve only been dating my girlfriend for 4 months, and (not to brag) but she is stunning. Guys and girls are constantly flirting with her and, being my first girlfriend, it sort of freaked me out and made me self-conscious, like I wished I’d had a not-so-attractive girlfriend or something. She is very polite with the flirting, and while she doesn’t really flirt back, she doesn’t exactly discourage it, either. She is also best friends with her ex of 5 years. They broke up about 5 years ago, but they talk on the phone just about every day. My girlfriend sounds so happy when they talk, and at first it really made me angry and jealous. I did some reading on jealousy and anger and learned that those emotions were really displaced feelings of fear and mistrust. So, I asked myself- has she given me any REAL reason not to trust her? No. She can’t help that people find her attractive, and she can’t be expected not to talk to someone who has been her best friend for ten years. Could my fear of my girlfriend going back to her ex become a reality? Not likely. Could my fear of losing her to one of the flirters become a reality? It could, but again she has given me no other evidence that that is even remotely a possibility. Finally, I confessed to my girlfriend that I was jealous. She was really strangely flattered and reassured me, and now she tries to make a point to bring me up in conversation so that people know we’re together, just to ease my mind. It’s sort of like our little game- I don’t expect it but it’s nice when she remembers! Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do the same!

September 15, 2008 at 2:04 pm
(10) Roy says:

As a heterosexual male I feel like….WHO CARES!!( Oh and I think it’s real cute that the homosexual females like the same thing I do.)

October 31, 2008 at 3:23 pm
(11) Natasha says:

I’ve been the one who allows my exes to express their sexual desires for me while I’m in a relationship with my partner and it isn’t because I don’t have a backbone. I actually understand when women and anyone wants what they can’t have, even if they’ve had it already. I talk to my partner about my exes and I’ve decided that my relationship is better when I tell the exes that the passes aren’t wanted. It doesn’t stop them, however, but at least I defined my boundary. And some people just don’t live within boundaries, I am considered to be one of those people. However, she should set some type of boundary up for you, because you are uncomfortable. Usually, this will be a factor in a break up because it’s almost like you have to stop being friends for the passes to stop. And most likely, you’re not going to end a friendship.

December 1, 2008 at 7:22 pm
(12) Courtney says:

Seems to be a common problem. My “girlfriend” and i have the same problem. (the “” is because i won’t call her my girlfriend until shes learned to respect my feelings)We haave been of and on for 2 years and the off and on part hasn’t helped with the trust. She left me for her supposed best friend just before christmas last year. and yo-yoed us back and forth for a few months. finally she made up her mind to be with me but still insists on maintaining contect with not only her ex best friend but all of her ex’s. most of whom would like nothing more then to see me disappear. She is a Gemini. i am a Leo. this has made this pretty difficult…but we’re working on it and slowly things are getting better…good luck!

May 1, 2009 at 6:17 pm
(13) nichole says:

my comment is this: im so jealous of my girls ex that its not funny. she knows i dont like her because i feel she wants to mess with my girl. we are talking bout having kids and a marriage but with her ex around i know that that will never happen. and yet i cant seem to tell her not to talk to her any more because im not the type to tell someone what to do.

August 18, 2009 at 11:54 am
(14) Julia says:

As a person in a relationship with someone that feels the need to be friends with ex’s, it’s tough. I came from the straight world where we had “bounds that tied us together”, we don’t have that in the lesbian world. I feel sometimes like I shouldn’t become too overly involved in our relationship, 2+ years, because what if she decides that she doesn’t want me and my child in her life, we’re gone. She owns the home.
She has relationships with ex’s that are coupled in long term relationships and I don’t have a problem with that, I do have a problem with one particular person that she broke up with prior to me. She wasn’t happy in that relationship for many reasons, started looking to meet someone new, I was that person. I did not break up their relationship, they did that to one another long before I came along. Now she want’s to be friends with this person, because while their relationship didn’t work, they were always friends, she says. I have problems with that, because the other person did not willingly break off the relationship. She was broken up with. We never had a relationship until she was seperate from that relationship, but I still feel guilt. I don’t trust her around this person, and I don’t feel she’s being honest about her feelings. I have a child, the ex doesn’t. I feel sometimes she feels trapped, and that’s nothing to build stability and a relationship on. Please help.

January 14, 2010 at 6:31 pm
(15) refugee says:

Hey! heres a tip. Yeah you just need to set boundaries in your relationship. Honestly I had the same issue and my girl friend needed to be informed becuase her ex thought he could come between our relationship and do what he pleases but I talk to her. I gave her an autamanum but after I told her how i felt about it and still had the same issues. It worked. Those two dont even talk

February 9, 2010 at 11:22 pm
(16) DS says:

Hello,
This scenario really reminded me of myself 5 yrs ago, when I just started dating & getting serious (it all happened very fast) with my now-partner of 5.5 yrs. We used to have fights because my exs’ would call to say hi or text saying they miss me. I once replied with Miss you too and got hell for it. Once I gave my number to a guy who I met through common friends (Iím not interested in men at all!). MY GF just freaked out on me and I couldn’t understand why. Over the years I realised that although these actions were harmless and guilt-free for me, they may have sent different indications to the others. I have completely stopped doing any such thing now!
But I do have to say that sometimes itís not easy for someone to say no or draw lines with people you’ve known. I’m that person – I find it VERY unnerving and hard to say no to someone. Its not like I don’t have a backbone, itís just that I’m very non-confrontational and like to follow the middle path without causing grief to anyone. Not that this middle-path brings me peace at all times! LOL. Sometimes I’ve hidden things from my partner thinking what she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her. (But I haven’t done anything that I feel guilty for). But she has a very very strong instinct and she’s found out and I’ve had to pay for it heavily!! I think that just because someone is timid and doesn’t take a stand, they should not be criticized and ridiculed but helped and understood.

April 5, 2010 at 11:42 am
(17) heather says:

I’m engaged and we have been in a relationship for a year and a half. When my fiancee and I started dating she wanted nothing to do with her ex. She one time talked to her behind my back a year ago. Apologized and then cut all ties. About a month ago we took a 24 hour break and she called her ex for advice now they’re back to talking again. This ex is still hung up on her. I told her I’m uncomfortable with it and she says she would never endanger our relationship, but she still continues. Did I mention they were engaged? What should I do?

June 17, 2010 at 1:04 pm
(18) ann says:

I am going through a of the samething. Being this is my first relationship with a women, & she has had several. I really fell that I she my not be the right one for me. We have been together for 6yrs. have not had sexual relation in about a yr. because of a number of medical problems. but there should be that little bit of trust if anything. We work together her the ex & myself. I don’t have that circle of people to talk to as she does so I very much appreciate this blog.. Thanks ladies….

December 1, 2011 at 12:14 pm
(19) Curvy says:

Hi JJ,

Wow, you have quite the dilemna, huh? Well, rest assured that your experience is all part of developing your own sense of self.

After reading the description of your situation, the first thing that popped to mind was that you are likely still pretty young and have yet to discover who you truly are.

You see, maturing is a process that takes a lifetime and along the way, as we make our mistakes, we slowly unveil our true selves. It sounds like you’re still in the exploratory phase, meaning you don’t really know what you want yet and that’s just fine. This process takes time.

I think what you’ll discover as you reach your late 30′s and early 40s is that you’ll understand what you truly want from a partner.

When I turned 40, I realized that I no longer wanted to rescue someone. I’d done that too many times and now, I wanted someone who was my equal intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Luckily, I have such a person in my life now & I couldn’t be happier.

My advice to you is, learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward. Eventually, you’ll blossom into who you are meant to be, and then you’ll begin attracting partners that are more suitable for you. Meanwhile, experience life, learn from it and let nature do the rest. You’ll get there eventually!

Best of luck to you!

December 1, 2011 at 11:22 pm
(20) cynthia says:

I would recommend counseling for that couple, perhaps short term counseling to address why her partner is unable to let go of past relationships. I would also question what she is getting out of having these women come on to her.

December 2, 2011 at 8:22 pm
(21) Heather says:

Thank you. I’m showing my fiancee this and going to talk to her about this.
She has male and female exes and friends that want her sexually and have asked her, when I’m not around, to sleep with her and etc. She’s also slept with a lot of men and women, mostly after a bad divorce. She says she has no interest in being with a man ever again, and that she wants to be with me only. But a lot of her friends she’s slept with.. and they all say that. She has told some that I don’t share (annoys me that she doesn’t say NO) and one said I don’t have to .. I can just watch. She doesnt’ undestand why this upsets me. Then her best friend and her fooled around (had orgasms with clothes on) and as far as I’m concerned her friend is a cheater, and my gf wants to hang out with her a bit (I understand) but I don’t want them alone. I don’t trust the friend and I’m afraid of what might happen if said friend comes on too her…
Maybe I should write too you.

December 4, 2011 at 9:42 pm
(22) MNWG says:

We can only account for our own behavior, not for others. I think it doesn’t mater who comes on to your gf, but your gf’s boundaries need to strengthen to protect not just her, but her relationship with you. Let her know how you feel. Don’t tell her what to do. Give her time to figure out what to do, and set a good example for her with your own healthy boundaries towards her in your relationship. Perhaps your gf will learn that a short time of discomfort saying no to someone, is less painful than the behavior she’s been putting up with that’s causing tension in your relationship.

My ex of 2 years was very jealous of my friendships with other lesbians and finally left me because she couldn’t cope with her own jealous and possessive issues. She didn’t fault my healthy boundaries, and trusted me, and still her insecurities ended our relationship. Four months later we’re developing a friendship, and she still struggles with her issues.

This is an issue that can end relationships from either side of this dynamic. Good luck!

July 27, 2012 at 10:35 pm
(23) Sgt Girlie Girl says:

I feel it is disrespectful. I am dealing with the same issue. And i can’t get her to see my point of view on this.

November 29, 2012 at 5:16 pm
(24) Norma says:

Kathy,
I totally agree with your advice and I personally think that her girlfriend should do everything in her power to put away any doubts or feelings of jealousy her girlfriend is having. Good relationships thrive on trust and respect and kindness towards the ppl we love and if these “friends” are causing her partner so much anguish then she has got to develop that backbone and do the right thing. Norma

February 6, 2014 at 8:43 pm
(25) Jill says:

I am in the same situation with my partner. The difference is we are open and honest about our feelings. Yes, I do get jealous at times, but I know that she wouldn’t cheat on me. Believe me her ex has asked her to come back to her in front of me! Just keep line s of communication open and you should fair ok. Remember relationships take work from both of you!

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