Is She a Lesbian?
Tuesday March 27, 2007
I get so many letters like the one below that I thought I would put this one out for you to comment on. I certainly have answered questions like this one. How would you answer? Add you comments below.
I am a sophomore college student and since about my junior year in high school I have felt a strong sexual attraction to women. I've always dated men, and have never been interested in having a "girlfriend" but I did try to hook up with one of my friends once when I was, let's just say a bit "under the influence." I don't know what this means and it has really been driving me crazy! I have nothing against lesbianism, but I really don't think I am one. Do you think I'm bi? Or could this just be a "stage" I'm going through? I've been with my boyfriend for three years, whom I love very much and we have a healthy sex life, but I always think about having a threesome with another women. Is there any way you can help me figure out my situation? Any advice you could share would be greatly appreciated.
Comments
she shall try to be a woman, only after actually being with a woman then she can have a answer, because she will know the different then for sure!
I really don’t think you’re a lesbian if you’re having a healthy sex life with your boyfriend…unless if you’re thinking about a woman while you guys are having sex then maybe you could be.
If you were a ‘complete’ 100% lesbian, you would not want to be with your boyfriend. Now, like Nessa said, if you are having sex with your boyfriend or even just kissing him, and thinking about women…then thats a whole new box of worms to open…but a lot of women have that sexual attraction to women, and personally I think everyone is a little bit bi on that scale of 1 to 6.
But no you are not a lesbian…
Eunic
I have to agree with the other women, if your enjoying your sex life with a man, then you’re probably not a lesbian….
I say:to make sure about your feelings, try to have a relationship with a women,if your feelings to her are stronger than your feelings to your boyfriend and if you’re more happy with her than you are with him then you’re a lesbian!! If not,i think it’s a “stage” and you’ll get over it.And the most important thing is to give yourself time to see how long your feelings to woman will last,then you’ll figure it out yourself. Good luck!!
Sexuality is a funny thing…At your age, I would not have known I was a lesbian, as it scared me too much to think those thoughts! But I always fantasized about women when I was having sex with my husband, and there is a big difference between response and desire. Desire is very powerful and exists separately from simple response. Who do you desire? There may also be no clear answer…you may desire both men and women. And finally, you may discover that your feelings of desire develop over time, as you allow yourself to think, explore, and experience both men and women.
I think it’s hard for any of us to really decide for her. And it seems like that’s what she wants. How many of us actually knew for sure? It took me years to understand and grow with my understanding. This young girl shouldn’t be pushed to a decision or told that “is” or “isn’t”.
She should take her time. Relax that she’s having thoughts and living life. Realize that she doesn’t have to know, that’s the beauty of growing up; descisions are not needed immediately, you can think about them. If she relaxs and lets life play out, than she’ll know.
It’s not an overnight decision. You can’t wake up and “POOF” be a lesbian. Let life ride out.
Just my 2 cents *stepping off soap box*
I believe that every woman is at least “bi” in their own regard; some are more towards the lesbian spectrum, and others are more towards the straight spectrum (Kinsey). It’s common to fantasize about something “forbidden” like being with a woman, especially when you are in a monogamous relationship with a man. You are probably just getting bored with the sex and therefore have erotic fantasies about something that you imagine would spice things up a bit. Why not talk it over with your boyfriend and see if he’s down with a little threeway action - it might satisfy your curiosity and in the end help you realize that you really are straight and sexually desire men over women.
Get to the point. Sex is sex. You have a healthy sex life with your boyfriend and that’s good. You can have healthy sex life with a woman too. There is no wrong or right answer. Just take care of yourself, love yourself and be happy. In fact, we are made to have these desires. It’s natural.
i think if you think this is a problem for you, you should talk to someone about this,for instance your boy friend.maybe it’s jsut a phase or maybe it isn’t.whatever makes you happy.just be careful.there’s nothing wrong with you of the way you’re feeling.lots of women go through this so you are okay.
Listen to your body. Does your heart beat faster with the man or the woman? How do you feel if the women touches you compared to your boyfriend. Check for the signs like tingles, shortness of breath, sweaty palms and who ever does that to you is who you are sexually atracted to! Believe me girl, I lived through the same dilemma.
It’s a tough call. I spend much of my early adulthood with boyfriends, and sex life was good, in as much as I knew back then. I had similar feelings, and I did eventually end up (by accident) in a relationship with a woman. For me, that felt almost like coming home.
If you really want to experience that with a woman, then at some point the right moment will appear. If not, then it won’t. Just be happy with yourself whoever it is you fall for.
I lived with a woman for 16 years. It didn’t work out, and now I have met another woman who I really dearly. I still wouldn’t describe myself as gay or as bi. I’m just me.
So my advice would be to be happy in yourself. Fitting yourself in a pigeon hole that other people understand is much less important than happiness.
uhm I don’t mean to be rude, Welshbird, but how can you live with a woman for 16 years but not be bi or lesbian? Sounds like denial to me. Unless you’re a man.
Eitherway, to the girl writing question….you’re just bi…no big deal.
However I thought I was ‘just bi’ until I made love to a woman….my life changed forever.
It sounds to me like you’re bi honey, so don’t worry about it.
I have several bi friends who had the same problem when they discovered their orientation. If you want to make sure, though, give it time before you do anything concerning other women, whether as a threesome or not, to see if it is ‘just a stage’. And talk to your boyfriend about it, definitely, if you feel comfortable doing so.
Good luck!
Kara