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From the Lesbian Life Forum:
I am newly out and in a great relationship with a great girl. We are planning on moving in together and possibly even trying to have a baby. I really enjoy being with this girl - she is fun to be around and is very good to me. She can be a little controlling and has a jealous streak in her. But I am in love with her deeply.

I am also newly separated from my husband of 10 years and we have a four year old baby girl together. In the beginning - after I asked my husband to leave - I was ready to move on without him. It didn't bother me at all that he would call me crying and begging me to let him come home. I was finally happy that I took that step to be who I really was. But, now I lay in bed questioning if I should get back together with him.

Should I Go Back to Him?

Here are some of the reasons for my questioning:
1. Our daughter talks about him all the time asking when daddy is coming home. That kills me!
2. I know that he loves me and has said that we could start all over fresh and he wouldn't hold anything Iíve done against me.
3. His mother tells me that she loves me and I know she wants me back in their lives.

I don't know what to do. I love my GF with all my heart and I feel like I have done the right thing for me (as far as being honest with myself with who I am). I am happy, very happy, with her, but it just tears at my heart strings when I hear my ex and ex Mother-in-law cry. What should I do? Go back to him and live life in denial or stay with my GF that I love to be with?

Comments
January 5, 2008 at 6:10 pm
(1) Lena says:

I think you did the right thing. Of course it doesn’t feel the best when someone who had been a big part of your life cries to you but could you live without your girlfriend? Could you live with that you wouldn’t be this way with her anymore again?
If I were you I would rather be happy, for sure, than take the risk I would be miserable ’cause of leaving the one I really wanted to be with. Past is past and after one decision I think it’s the best just go on and not to wonder what if.

January 5, 2008 at 7:10 pm
(2) Sue says:

I suppose it depends on where your priorites lie. Are you more concerned with your own happiness and wellbeing or that of your child. If it makes the decision any easier for you, from my observations the vast majority of people are far more interested in themselves than than they ever are their children or anyone else around them. They usually use the excuse that: ‘if they are not happy themselves, how can they make their children happy?’ You could always try to convince yourself that this is true. Then you get to do whatever you want.

January 5, 2008 at 11:10 pm
(3) ryanprodo says:

u should come back because your daughter, your husband and because u

January 6, 2008 at 1:38 am
(4) Beth says:

You have to be happy I was in the same situation. I left and my child is an adult now and understands what I was going through,my child loves me more for being strong. I can never pretend to be someone Im not.

January 6, 2008 at 8:19 am
(5) Kaya says:

You have to do what is best for you. If you don’t, it will catch up with you at one point or another. “No regrets” is what you want to be able to say in 5 or 10 years down the line. Dreams and ambitions are meant to be pursued, not postponed till retirement.

Ask yourself if you are living for others. From what you are saying it would seem so. Your child will feel your unhappiness if you make choices that make others happy but not you.

I understand your situation since I was in it 2 years ago. I can say now that all the aggro I went thru was all worth it :)

January 6, 2008 at 1:55 pm
(6) Sue says:

I think Kaya has just illustrated my point wonderfully. “Ask yourself if you are living for others blah, blah, blah… Your child will feel your unhappiness if you make choices that make others happy but not you (I must be psychic to have seen that one coming) blah, blah, blah…” Me, me, me, me, me, me… Life involves honouring your obligations to other people, you are not the centre of the universe. Your child is far more likely to resent you for your selfishness than to ‘feel’ your unhappiness and suffer as a result (unless you go around with a massive chip on your shoulder making it obvious to anyone who will listen how miserable you are). You had the child, it had no choice in the matter and now THE CHILD COMES FIRST, EVEN BEFORE YOU.

January 6, 2008 at 2:24 pm
(7) Jen says:

Please don’t listen to Sue. If everyone listened to her, then nobody would get divorced or seperated just because of the children. My mother stayed with my father because of me even though she was unhappy. Her unhappiness then became my source of unhappiness and it’s only when they divorced that things got better. You would want your daughter to be happy in her love life right? So I’m sure she wants you to be happy in yours.

January 6, 2008 at 2:28 pm
(8) Laura says:

Have you considered living alone and defining who you are without someone before jumping back into a relationship with anyone? You may find this is the better option for you and your child. It may give you the space to figure out where you are headed. In the end none of these people’s opinions matter (even mine). You have to find what is right for you and for your current situation regardless of public opinion. Your kid will love you as long as you are a good parent, regardless of the situation.You do not need to exclude anyone from your life, but you do not need to sleep with them to have the relationships either.

January 6, 2008 at 3:15 pm
(9) wildrose says:

Looks to me like you’ve already done the right thing. You’re not responsible everybody’s feelings. Your in laws and your ex-husband are responsible for their own feelings. Accept no guilt for taking the steps you’ve taken to find happiness. I admire your strength. Stay strong.

P.S. The baby will be alright.

January 7, 2008 at 10:41 am
(10) pam says:

I believe that you did the right thing because you are following your heart and your feelings are what matters the most. You are the only one that can make yourself happy and in the long run your daughter will be better off this way because if your not happy she will eventually notice it and it will actually hurt her worse. I just went thru the same thing with my girlfriend she had been married for 3 years she decided she wanted to go back to her husband because of there history together but it only lasted for about 2 weeks she was miserable and she came back to me. I know what its like to be the girlfriend that gets left for a man and it isnt to great of a feeling. We have managed to move past this now and our relationship is great. Being with a women isnt always easy but if it makes you happy and you love her id say go for it. Let your husband move on with his life and dont feel guilty for their feelings cause when you each the end of your road in life you will wish that you lived your life for you and not for anyone else. You have one life to live make the best of what you got!

January 7, 2008 at 2:09 pm
(11) Tina says:

I think Sue is an idiot.

Live a lie so that your children are happy in their fabricated lives?

It’s preposterous.

Clearly she’s living in some loveless marriage. Either that or she’s still crying over her mommy and daddy’s break up from when she was two.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you what is best for you and your family. You already know the answer.

If I found out today my mother was living a lie all this time I would be so angry with her and I would feel so guilty knowing I was the reason why she suffered a lie her whole life, it’d be ridiculous.

January 8, 2008 at 3:18 am
(12) Jai says:

You have to do what’s best for you, and to live your life unhappily isn’t the answer. You have to live your life to make yourself happy, not anyone else!

January 8, 2008 at 1:41 pm
(13) lex says:

your daughter is still young enough to stand by you. just teach her the ideals that go hand in hand with accepting reality, love, and honesty. teach her to accept the change and it wont bother her as she grows older. if anything it will liberate her heart and mind, something that most parents aren’t teaching their children. allow your husband back in your life as a close friend and family member, bc u share a child and a past. theres no sense in throwing it away. stay with your girlfriend and explain to her you responsibilities to your daughter and her happiness as you achieve your own. its all about balance and not avoiding touchy situations. address things head on and things wont be dramatic. luckily for you it looks like your in-law family holds nothing against you for your change in love. just don’t desert ppl, or your selfishness will rid you of both sides of happiness. with happiness there will always be a struggle.

January 8, 2008 at 4:56 pm
(14) Mic says:

I think you made the right decision for you, but I also feel your husband’s pain. I am currently married to a woman. When we met she was at the end of a bad marriage to a man, and assured me that she could go without being with a man to be with me. Now she has “found herself” and has a boyfriend in addition to me, and also wants to involve him in our family life. I love her with all that I am and don’t want to loose my wife. If you are happy stay strong in your decision and everything will work out for the best.

January 8, 2008 at 7:38 pm
(15) Robby says:

I sincerely hope that you do not make a choice about your life, based on the advice from strangers. I’m curious to why you are suddenly bothered by your husband’s tears when you said in the beginning that it didn’t bother you at all. Instead of asking others, you might want to ask yourself some questions. Did these feelings of guilt start when your girlfriend wanted to UHaulit? I have a lot of opinions about what I think you should do, don’t we all! However, you’re an adult, no one knows you like you like you do. Good Luck to you.

January 10, 2008 at 10:59 am
(16) Trinity says:

there are a number of issues here, actually.

first you have to be sure who you are. are you gay? are you straight? are you bisexual? if you’re gay and you go back to your husband, you’re going to be very unhappy, and the marriage will breakdown again.

and what about the woman you’re now with? besides her feelings, why try to make a baby when you’re currently not even sure who you are or with whom you want to be.

by the way, i think it is pretty shitty how you’ve treated your husband. he has EVERY right to be angry, and if he isn’t now, he will be. and you don’t have the right to get mad at him. i’m pretty tired of all these people who up and decide to be honest with themselves that they are gay and then can’t get through their heads that their opposite sex spouse might end up deeply hurt. you need to be kind, patient and understanding with him. i’m not saying to go back to him, just work on being a bit less cruel and a lot more considerate.

and of course, work on being the best parent you can be to the child who exists, and if that is a divorced parent, that’s fine. it’s about the kid. as for the grand-mother – why would you be out of her life? your child is going to spend time with her, right?

someone has already suggested spending time with yourself, and that’s a very good idea.

January 10, 2008 at 11:01 am
(17) Liz says:

I think Sue couldn’t be more wrong. It is when we live for others and leave our own needs behind that we cause ourselves and others to suffer, as well. Nobody can take care of our needs but us. Clearly your husband isn’t going to (if you left him in the first place and secondly he’s a man and you’re a lesbian!) and Kaya is absolutely right. Besides, how can we know for sure what another person needs… surely it is our egos that assume we can know and do what others need- that is its own form of “being the center of the universe!” Children are like sponges and surely your daughter will pick up on the fact that you left a loving family to live in hiding- would you rather your daughter live authentically or learn to suppress her authentic self and to live her life for others? I’m not advocating selfishness- but often the more selfish thing is not give of ourselves authentically- which is truly what other people need.

January 10, 2008 at 11:05 am
(18) Kate says:

I think deep down you really know that you need to be with your girlfriend and not your husband. Thinks about the question as to whether you could ever show him the kind of love you show her, would you feel the excitment. I left my husband a year ago this month for J and my divorce comes through next week. I miss my husband with all my heart and I am still living the pain each day of knowing what I did to him after 11 years, but he has a new girlfriend and seems happy and yes some days I wish I could be with him again, but never on a sexual basis, I am so excited when I am with my girlfiend and have found what feels so right. You may loose people through this process but knowing who you are is so important. I’m still grieving my old life but know the road ahead may be better in the long term.

January 10, 2008 at 12:07 pm
(19) leigh says:

Well that was me two years ago.. i left my husband he was my highschool sweetheart, i also have two children. The girl i am with i have been friends with for many years, although she loves me like no end i cant say my feelings are the same i often question did she fill in a void that my husband wasent? regret sucks.. i often wonder what it would be like if i returned but to move past it i have to think well there was problems before thats why we fell apart.

January 10, 2008 at 12:41 pm
(20) Wendy says:

Who says a child will be unhappy if she is with you and your partner? I divorced my husband of 12 years, and fell in love with my best friend. My children are VERY happy being with my partner and myself, and they enjoy being with my ex-husband. In fact, WE are the stable household!!

January 10, 2008 at 12:44 pm
(21) Jayce says:

Your story is not uncommon, regardless of your orientation. In my limited opinion, you need to find yourself before leaving one relationship and entering into another. Spend time with yourself apart from an ex-husband or a newly controlling girlfriend. Your child’s father and grandmother should be active in her life. For her, all should be there for her. Sounds like you and your ex-husband should seek some outside help with processing your concerns and emotions. PFLAG would be a good place to start. If your girlfriend loves you she should be supportive and patient in your transition.

January 10, 2008 at 12:47 pm
(22) Julie says:

Ok. Sue is a bit off. It takes a lot to leave a long term relationship, and it’s understandable that you want to go back to what you know. BUT…

Ask yourself: Why did I leave in the first place? Did I leave to make others happy or to make me happy? Why are you with your GF now??

I can also understand that you are agonizing over your daughter and breaking up what she considers the family she has known. But really, would she rather have a tolerant mom in a relationship of convenience or a happy mom doing what she needs to do to live HER LIFE??

You do things in your life for YOU, bearing in mind that some of those decisions will affect other relationships and taking responsibility for it. Donít let others dictate your life to you just because they say they love you. You both could love each other for the rest of your days, but that doesnít mean that you have to with each other. And what does his mother have to do with you and him?? Your questioning seems based on wanting to feel/be loved.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

January 10, 2008 at 1:35 pm
(23) Christine says:

I think there is middle ground here. Your responsibility to your child is to be a model for her. That means being in a healthy, positive relationship and treating everyone involved with respect (husband and in-laws included). Living a lie by staying with your husband would not teach your child anything about being in a healthy, positive relationship. It’s a primal instinct to want your parents to be together, but it’s not always the best thing. Just be sure the relationship you are in is the kind you want your child to grow up to have and be sure to honest, caring and firm with her dad. Children sense what is going on even though we try to shield them from it.

January 10, 2008 at 1:37 pm
(24) Kara says:

What a wonderful concerned community! While everyone has commented in a similar way, I am concerned about your GF being controlling with a jealous streak. If it was important enough for you to mention, it’s obviously on your mind. Ask yourself this question and be honest with yourself. How long will you be happy with those traits? While I don’t believe you should go back with your husband (children are resilient and your ex’s will adjust), a long term relationship with someone like that may cause stress. Have a heart to heart talk with your girlfriend (or go to couseling) and get to the root of why she is jealous (a sign of insecurity) and controlling. True compatibility and love should be as stress-free as possible, and in the end and down the road, I would hope that you can remain true to who you are inside, and not let your actions convey what everyone else would like. Enjoy and make the most of every minute that life has to offer and have no regrets.

January 10, 2008 at 6:48 pm
(25) clarissa says:

DO NOT GO BACK!

A parent MUST be happy with themselves and their happy first. What message will you be sending your daughter if you sacrifice your own happiness for the needs of others? What lesson is she learning about standing up for yourself and being strong in the face of adversity? What will she think when years down the line she senses the tenseness between her married parents, when she feels the aura of a fake-Beaver Cleaver family, knowing in her heart it is all a lie?

You will not be happy. And you daughter will KNOW this. She will sense it and see it in your eyes. My mother stayed with my father “for her children” and has been depressed for the last 20 years because of it. I am 23, and since I can remember (earliest vivid memory of this was when I was 6 years old-kindergarten) I’ve known my mother does not love herself, or her life, and in a way (although I know it was her decision) it is the fault of her children, me and my siblings. This wasn’t even a case of sexual orientation. It was simply a mismatch. BUt she “sacrificed” her own happiness for us, and now is this depressed woman that plays family. She has never said it to our faces, never purposely made us feel guilty, but we have always known. We have always sensed the lack of love in their relationship. Children are EXTREMELY intuitive and will pick up on something as vital as love between their parents. Of course, I honor and cherish my mother for having made such an immense sacrifice for me, my brother and sister. However, since I was in 8th grade (14 ish?) I have been hoping they just get a divorce. She is unhappy with him. And he is unhappy because he senses her feelings and therefore feels inadequate although she has never said anything to him one wouldnt say in an average argument. It is sometimes awkward for us the kids. I honestly would have rather they had been divorced a LONG time ago to have saved us all the drama and bizarreness and tenseness and sadness. My mother stayed with him because she thought she had to and it would be better for the kids. BUt has no clue how much she has damaged my siblings as a result. DO NOT STAY WITH HIM OUT OF OBLIGATION. Not fair to him, to you, and especally your daughter.

Your daughter WILL KNOW why you went back to her father. And she will have to live with that guilt for the rest of her life.

Sure, it will be difficult, it will take work and have to be a science at times in picking the right words and answering her questions in the right way. But your daughter will benefit SO much more by seeing her mother happy. Thus learning how to love and be happy herself.

Instead, by staying with your girlfriend – or another woman, you will not only be teaching her a lesson in strength and courage but also a lesson in society. You now have an opportunity (that many parents dont have)to really be able to discuss issues and parabolas and life lessons and philosophy.

The situation is PREGNANT with the possibilities of raising an open-minded and loving child because she will learn to love herself by her exemplary mother. SHe will learn how to love others despite color & race & religion & gender & sex. She will learn that her mother loved her SO much, she knew she had to love herself, so that her daughter could see in person an example of the strong, self-loving, proud and independent woman her mother wants her to grow up to be.

Yes, it will be hard for your husband. BUt he will learn and grow and move on. If you stay with him is pain will grow into bitterness towards the pretend marriage he is in with you. Give him time. He will learn to be happy without you living with him. He will have to learn to value you as a friend. Not as a companion. Just be fair and honest with him. That is the most you could ever give another person. Do NOT let society or others put pressure on you to do something you do not feel in your heart is true.

And do not listen to those saying it will be more difficult for your daughter if you are true to yourself. I know MANY young people who’s parents are gay, and they ALL love them dearly for it. They admire them for being strong. They admire them for having the courage to be true to themselves. Fuck, I’m a lesbian and I WISH my parents were gay!

The best thing you could do for your daughter is to be a good example for her. What would you want her to do? Wouldn’t you want her to be true to herself and be happy? What will she do when her mother and father are old and bitter and miserable?

PLEASE! Be true to yourself! Its the best thing you could do for your daugher!!!!

January 10, 2008 at 6:56 pm
(26) Tree says:

I left my children’s father pregnant with our second child. Selfish? Yes but i have no regrets. I came out and gave birth in the same year. He also called with grief filled requests to return home with our children. The children also requested their Dad with tear filled eyes. I remember feeling simaliar to how you must be feeling. What i learned was that i had to balance out my life to be the best mother i could for them. If i returned what would happen? I wouldn’t be happy and everthing in that house would suffer. So, I set up visits for the children and their Dad. We only talked about what was needed for them never our own personal feelings or grief. It has taught the children tolerance, inner strength and to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not selfish it is your right to set them to be true to yourself. As for your girlfriend, my words would be don’t move in. If she is controlling now wait till you move in. Trust me, I’ve been there. It gets more controlling and if she makes more of the income then oh boy you’ll see a different side that you thought wasn’t there. Please don’t be love blind, trust your inner red flags. Sounds like living alone for now is the best choice. Hopefully she’ll understand. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. If she’s controlling with you then how does she react to your daughter? Does she become upset when your daughter is just being a toddler? Be careful. Remember your daughter loves you no matter what. Her and her father will have their own relationship if he puts in the proper effort. Best wishes

January 10, 2008 at 8:08 pm
(27) Blondeshoobie says:

Ultimately the decision is yours. I was in your shoes exactly 3 years ago and I chose to go back to my husband. I don’t regret it for one minute. In my opinion (I know I will get yelled at for this) once you have a child your life no longer belngs to you. My daugther absolutely adores her daddy and through a lot of hard thinking I decided that I could not take that away from her. Seeing her run to daddy when she gets home from school and giggle on his knee over something silly is priceless. There are times when I feel like there is a part of me that I’m not being true to but I feel I can’t be selfish. There are other people that my life and decisions affect. I simply keep myself busy to fill that void. I did this so my daughter has her daddy at home and so daddy has his little girl that he so loves. This was my decision and as I said I don’t regret it. I know people won’t agree with me but that is ok. It isn’t their life to live. The decision was mine as your decision has to be yours. I wish you the best.

January 11, 2008 at 9:49 am
(28) Lee says:

I’m not going to give advise, I’m going to tell you a story. My parents were married for over 40 years, and I was married for 9 years. I grew up in the south, Southern Baptist, with 2 brothers and one sister, and a huge huge family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It all seemed ideal on the surface, but underneath it was hell. MY PARENTS STAYED TOGETER FOR US KIDS AND because they thought it was what the “family” wanted….and that is the mentality I grew with… Make your life look good on the surface,and suck up what you feel inside.
When I was 34 and had fought and pushed back in my head and heart that I was gay, I decided to marry and have kids. I will never say it was a mistake, because I have these two absolutely wonderful boys now. Anyway, as I was preparing to marry, I found out that my dad had HIV and had lived a closeted his entire life. My parents divorced, and life went on, but now the surface happiness was tarnished. I went ahead and married, had my kids, lost my dad, and divorced in the course of the 10 years. As my dad was dying, he told me to find happiness because he saw in me what he had hidden all his life. How I grew up just wouldn’t allow me to do that. My upbringing was to strong. Anyway, how here I am 10 years later and I am miserible. My marriage is not loveless….it’s emotionless. I still can make everything look great on the surface, but inside I am falling apart. My kids were 4 and 6 when I divorce. In the first year of that divorce, I lost custody of my kids, found out that my ex had been having affairs for years, met my now partner of 10 years and came to the realization that oh my GOD….things change and that it ok to except them changing. I found and won full JOINT custody of my kids, excepted the fact that my ex is a miserable bastard and will most likely always be (he is a pretty good dad to our son’s), and moved on with my life with my partner, my kids and with the family I was finally honest with. Now 10 years latter, what I have learned is that there are bumps in the roads of life..and some feel like crators when you hit them…but you get over them and make the best of each new day.
Ten years later, I am a happy mom, partner and PERSON who just happens to be a lesbian. I lost my Mom three years ago to lung cancer, and she told me that she was so happy that I had found my happiness and that she could see that my son’s were growing up to be honest and happy in there lives and would never have to hide who they are…gay,straight or anything in between.,,they have the freedom to be themselves and be happy. I am still in love and very happy with my partner, and have learned that you don’t have to have the love and respect of all your family and friends, but that the one’s you do have are really the important ones anyway. Well, that is my story in a nut shell, and if you have heard anything in it that strikes a cord, then use it. If not…just know that you are not alone in your situation and that it’s good to hear what others say…just make sure you make the right choices for you, your ex relationships, your current relationship,and the relationhip that you will have with your child or children. I believe that your happiness with yourself is like the sunshine,,,if it’s obscured by a cloud, then no one can feel the true warmth or see it’s radiant beautiful,,,but let that cloud move away…and it’s a warm and beautiful thing. Good luck in all you do…
Lee

January 11, 2008 at 10:09 am
(29) Angel says:

It sounds like all of your reasons for getting back with him have to do with other people. Of course heartbreak kills and everyone hates it, and of course his mother wants to make him feel better as well. But you are not doing either of you a favor by being in a relationship that you don’t really want (regardless of the gender).

As for your daughter, of course it is going to be hard for her. But he should definitely be a major part of your daugher’s life- he is her father and she needs him as a role model in her life. That doesn’t mean that both of you have to be together in order to have that happen. Think of it as a regular divorce between parents where both sides are sad for a while and feel like their life is over, and come up on the other side with their wounds healed.

January 11, 2008 at 10:42 am
(30) Lee says:

Hey again…sorry for the return, but after I posted and reread my comments, i realized I had left out some very important things.

My parents married and stayed married to make their families happy, not themselves. (results,,,not the happy all American family people thought we were)

I married to make my family happy, not myself. (I loved my ex husband when I married him, but was never NEVER in love with him,,,but because of my upbringing, I thought that would be enough) WRONG (However I am extremely sorry to have hurt him, and regret that he has never moved on in life and has a mother that enables him to remain the miserable person he has become)(The mother thing is a whole other story…)

My ex used the fact that I was honest with him about being gay in court. In N.C. it’s enough for you to loose custody of your kids and I did for two years. (so after 10 years of divorce, he is still an ass, has never moved on with his life, and still takes pleasure in being my judge, jury and punisher)GUILT is his weapon of choice and he wilts it well….and I know you know this,,,but GUILT is a very powerful thing…never every let it get a hold on you,,because it can and will destroy you and your life. So, being honest with an ex about your sexuality is not always this bed of roses that some of the other ladies seem to think it is…(not a judegement on the ladies,,, I just know a lot of men can be real bastards for years after a breakup involving another woman…because it somehow hurts their manly pride I guess)

I have known I was lesbian since I was 12 years old. I said this to say, I know that kids know and see and feel a lot more about what is going on than we think they do. I think we simply forget how it was being a kid, and we forget that we did have our own realizations about ourselves, but somewhere along the line, some of us push that interknowledge aside and began living the the lives other want us to live. I have been 100% honest with my kids from the very beginning of my coming out (on levels that they could comprehend and understand). They are totally ok with having a gay mom and stepmom. As a matter of fact they love it and tell us ofter that they would not want it any other way, because they see the real happiness in our relationship and family…not a hidden misery. The boys are now 14 and 16 and have been with me and their stepmom for over 10 years. Lots of people dont even know which of us is the birth parent to them, as they treat us both witht the same love and affection. (and fuss with both of us just the same too….they are teens you know)

They love all our friends, gay and straight and are growing into wonderful young men that are loving and excepting of all people, regardless of their sexuality. (HOW LUCKY and BLESSED we have been with these two boys who have their own sence of self and is able to decide for themselves who they will be with in their life.)

I hope these additions help you understand my story a little better, and that you and your child will always have a great relationship, but it;s up to you what kind of relationship that will be. Open and honest or with hidden secrects. Put good people in your life that you love, but importantly, put people in it that you really like (including your partner). Let your child see you truly happy. You are going to hit bumps in the road and fall some times, but dont stay down, get up and keep going, cause the future is worth it and you and your child can be truly happen in it.

Again Good luck and happiness always
LEE

January 11, 2008 at 10:51 am
(31) sara says:

I see that this is a very common issue.. I would say please spend some time just being you and being mom. Dont make this new relationship the focus of your life. If you do, you will be recreating the same life problems with a partner of a new gender. Spend time relaxing reading getting to know yourself and what you want out of life and out of relatioships. Without a jealous person running your life, you will be able to have your space and also allow your daughter to have relationship with mother in law and Dad. That is a rare and special gift you will give her. If anything gets in the way of your own instincts, than it does not fit, and that is as difficult as buying shoes that dont fit..
A good book on relationships is called “Emotional Blackmail”.

January 11, 2008 at 11:38 am
(32) Saloo says:

JOINT FAMILY IS THE GOOD SOLUTION TO SOLVE THIS CRUCIAL SITUATION!

I got an opportunity to go through this statement that was written by my dear friend.Really it is a difficult to take an immediate decision whether to live with her girl friend or to go back with her former husband. Her hearts longing also for the true love and the hearts of her present girl friend and also for he very beloved daughter who is with her husbandís far as myself is concerned she should let her girl friend alone and at the same she should also not let her daughter and her beloved husband and mother-in-law in lonely. She should love her daughter and her husband, but at the same time she should not let her girl friend as lonely because she is also longing for true love from her present friend.

She should think that what a true love and affection that both should have shared while she was separated from her former husband and while was living with her present girl friend. If she would summing up her love with her girl friend that had she enjoyed she will not at any manner let her girl friend alone and will not leave from her present matrimonial home.Please imagine dear friend what a love that you both would have exchanged in your beginning days.

Hi Dear,Please think about your present girl friend pleasing smile,beautiful lips,loving breast,attractive vegina,lovely back buttach,sharp keen nose.If you will think all these aspects of your present girl friend at any manner you will not let her alone and will go back with her former husband.If you will let her as an orphan or let her as lonely one you will reap its result.We should not cheat others at any manner.But she is your present partner and she had given you all kind of love and affection in your ups and downs,pleasure and bitter and also glad and in agony.

But at the same time you no need to let your husband and your daughter as lonely.You should consult this crucial situation with both your former husband and the mother-in-law and your girl friend. Then if they will compromise with themselves they can live as together as a joint family.This is the good idea that we would like to give you. Please note that Ďunderstanding is the stepping stone for the success of lifeí so in order to lead a best life they all should have a common understanding so that it would be a Park and where in her present girl friend,former husband and the mother-in-law and the rest of the family members would be flowers with a common color.

Comments welcome to:

goodlife1society@yahoo.co.in

January 12, 2008 at 10:32 am
(33) arleen says:

its funny how we have to make decisions in life that either affect one person or the other or both. a lot of people say you should go back because of everyone else. you have made the decision to be happy and you shouldn’t have to beat yourself up or let anyone else do so because you wanted to be happy. it is not fair that your ex mother in law is doing what she is doing and should always learn to stay out of her ADULT sons private affairs. as for your husband, its going to hurt as with any relationship but he will heal with time and the best thing that you can offer him is your friendship and if he doesn’t want it, then you did everything you possibly could without jeopardizing your choices you made for yourself. as for your daughter, well, i have learned really quick that you do have to think about you because eventually she will grow up and live to make choices for herself that other may or may not be happy with. your main concern right now is you and your daughter, and yes your gf has to be put on the side burner, for now. and if she as wonderful as you say, then she will understand. you must create and atmosphere of major love for your daughter, she may not understand what is going on right now, but you should make it emotionally comfortable to soften the blows of what has happened. you cannot make everyone happy and you shouldn’t have too, as long as you know you have made the right decision and provide that extra loving attention to your daughter, then you should continue to live your life as you see fit. happy, on your terms.

January 12, 2008 at 11:35 am
(34) Deanna says:

Firstly, I’d like to thank you for your sincerity & honesty regarding your feelings,you are very brave for presenting yourself as you truly are.I admire that.Secondly, I can certainly empathize with you regarding your issue, I too experienced a very similar situation. You see, two years ago, I left my husband of 7 years to be with my life partner,& during the transition, I too was questioning my decision.I had very similar feelings about my ex-husband than you described, & there were many nights where I tossed & turned endlessly, wondering if I was being fair to my ex-husband & to myself.Then one day I came home after an incredibly bad day at work,& there stood my partner, with her arms outstretched, inviting me to her for some much-needed comfort.It was at that moment that I realized that no one would ever know me as she does. No one would ever love me as deeply as she does,& that was the moment when I truly realized where I belonged.From that day forward, I never again looked back & my partner & I are even more in love today than we were two years ago.
So you see, what you may need the most, is time.I don’t think you’ve come to the point yet in your relationship where one chapter of your life had ended and the other begun.For whatever reason, you’re still in turmoil & the only thing you can do, is to let life take its course.Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing you can do for yourself.I wish you the best of luck & hope that you will find your way.

July 25, 2008 at 5:21 am
(35) Shane says:

These comments about doing what’s best for you are total crap! Once you took that vow, you and your husband, it was to stay together, no matter what happens, no matter how your sexual attraction might change, and to forsake all others. It is YOU who have broken that vow, YOU who have wrecked your own family by throwing out your husband, the man who provided for you for 10 years, to shack up with another woman. It was YOU who are to blame for whatever stresses your child is bound to go through as a result of the divorce. Your lesbianism is not the issue. The issue is that YOU are an adulturer, a homewrecker, and one of the most self-centered people ever to post on this forum.

The issue from the beginning is NOT your own selfish gratification, or “being who you really are.” What you really are is someone who was so selfish that 10 years ago, rather than admit that you were gay, you decided to take the easy road and get married to a man. Now that it has become socially acceptible to be a lesbian, you again took the easy road and put aside your FAMILY so that you can live the life you think you want.

I have news for you, sister, your family is supposed to be the most important thing in your life, not how you feel. Women and men since the beginning of time have dealt with personal issues in marriage, even loveless marriages, for the sake of their children. If you were any kind of a good parent, and yet still HAD to come out as a lesbian, don’t you think you could save your child a LOT of pain had you waited until after she grew up and left home? But, no, you had to act now, because to wait would have meant exercising self-controll for a few more years.

And, this woman you described seems to be very controlling. Statistically, women in lesbian relationships are many, many times more likely to be victims of domestic violence (1 in 3). You already showed that she has the potential. Has your husband ever been prone to violence? If no, then I would say that what you are doing to your daughter is placing her in a situation where she is far more likely now to grow up in a home and witness domestic violence. What kind of parent does that to a child? A selfish one, which is what you are.

Your sexuality is not what I am upset about, it is your total lack of selflessness. Your daughter wants her dad, but rather than provide her with the company of a loving father, you drag her into your own world of self-centered narcicism.

The reason your’e feeling any guilt is because you know that everything I’ve said is true, and you still would rather scratch that itch than behave like a responsible parent.

If you do completely seperate from your husband, I hope that he wins full custody, because your actions to this point show you to be a completely unfit mother.

January 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm
(36) amazed dave says:

Right On! Shane! Well said. Scanning the self-indulgent commentaries that fill this page leaves me to also add that your new girlfriend and you should be paying your ex child support. Exposing your daughter to this much venal, selfish egotism is shameful.

March 17, 2009 at 9:56 am
(37) Dee says:

Being unhappy does reflect on your children. A person is only as happy as they allow themselves be. If you let your spouse control your life thenyou will be unhappy and your children will think that it’s okay for their spouse to do the same when they are older.

September 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm
(38) Graeme says:

I agree a with the comment above about selfishness. In my experience the happiest people are the ones who are least selfish. There are lots of comments that reflect a totally self-absorbed attitude and are just bad advice. Causing enormous pain for others is not a way to find happiness. Yes people do eventually get over terrible events such as separation, but that does not justify it.

The people I admire live for others and do not worry so much about themselves. That way we find joy all around us and stop searching inside for something that does not exist. This is a spiritual issue that is addressed by the major religions of the world. Start to see the big picture and focus on the people around you. Sexuality is really a small issue that should not cause so much pain for gay,s straights orany one else. It becomes BIG when we focus on it out of proportion with the rest of our lives.

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