L Word 503 Recap

Charlie's Angels

The third episode opens with a wonderfully fun vignette of Shane, Alice and Helena acting out Charlie’s Angels. They must have had so much fun filming this. I rewound and watched over and over. I understand this piece was written by a fan. Who is she? Ilene, bring her on board! Maybe she’ll follow a storyline through to the end and obviously she’ll bring some levity to the program.

No Sex for Shane

Shane has sworn off sex. And she’s working out, meditating and eating healthy. “I’ve never felt so freakishly clear headed or highly energized,” she says. But this is hard for her. Cute girls better not walk too close to her, breathe on her and certainly not stretch seductively in front of her. How long do you think Shane will last with this celibacy thing? Even her closest friends don’t think she’ll make it very long.

Jenny has a Slave

Well, Adele thinks she’s a personal assistant, but Jenny is treating her like a slave. And for some reason, Adele’s putting up with it. Wiping Jenny’s brow at the gym, taking her pulse, bringing her water, attending to her every need. Jenny is a little bitch, isn’t she? But deep down, don’t you wish you had a little attendant too?

Is Max going to Turn Gay?

I heard a while ago from some trans men that they were surprised to find out that once they started to transition, they found themselves attracted to men, when previously they’d only been attracted to women. Is sexual orientation encoded into our DNA? Well, it seems Max is quite curious about Tom’s crush on him. And he doesn't say it, but you can tell he's wondering what it would be like with another dude. But wait, Max, you've already been there. You and Billie (Alan Cummings) messed around in season 3.

Team Dana

Remember Dana? She’s the cute tennis player who died of cancer in Season 3 and who was never even mentioned again. They’re bringing her back, if only to ride in her honor. Don’t you love how they shamelessly throw product names into the script? The Subaru Pink ride for Breast Cancer. If only Subaru really did sponsor a pink ride for breast cancer. And then Max has to tell Tom not only the brand, but make of his camera.

Helena in Jail

It didn’t take Helena long to find her place in prison. Wheeling and dealing in cigarettes. But wait, Mommy is here to spring you. Only Helena doesn’t want to be sprung. Seems she’s sprung for Dusty, her big butch prison daddy dyke. I like Dusty, I really do. But something tells me not to trust her.

Big Bear Lake

Jodi is dragging Bette off to Big Bear Lake to meet all her friends. Bette really doesn’t want to go, but Jodi guilts her into going. Does anyone else see “DISASTER” written in huge letters? No, the big bonding with Jodi’s friends at the lake doesn’t go so well. First, Jodi and Bette arrive late, after everyone has gone to sleep. But the long drive doesn’t make them too tired for loud sex, in a small cabin. Yes, everyone heard, except the deaf couple. Which is really fine and okay, but Bette commits her first faux pas by refusing the traditional morning mojitos. Then she won’t play football with the gang, instead choosing to work--which turns out is forbidden on this hallowed weekend. Okay, Bette is kind of being a jerk, but Jodi’s bestest friend in the whole world really seems like a prick. I mean, yeah, Bette not playing isn’t cool, but do you really think you’re going to warm her up to the crowd by throwing her in the lake?

It just gets worse, where the friend even accuses Bette of lying about Kit being held up by gunpoint as an excuse to leave early and get out of bowling. But no, it's true. Kit was held up and her week's worth of cash was stolen. I sure hope Angus wasn't behind this in some way!

The Joys of Internet Dating

Alice and Shane are intent on finding Tina a woman and fast. The quickest way? The internet. Just make sure you don’t take Shane’s sloppy seconds.

But they find a good candidate. A heart doctor. With fake boobs. Huge ones. I about gasp when I see them. Why would anyone want to do that to her body? To me they’re hideous. Does Tina like them? It’s not clear from the look on her face, but one thing is clear, she’s ready to end her celibacy spell. What do you think of boob jobs? Add your comments below.

Chapter 15

It’s official. Tasha is being investigated on a Chapter 15 discharge for homosexual conduct. And she doesn’t have a choice, the good ol’ southern boy lawyer is going to defend her. What are the allegations? 1. She was seen at a race track with a group of known homosexuals with her arm around one said lesbian. 2. Tasha was seen having what appeared to be a lover’s quarrel with same woman, outside the barracks. 3. She showed a female soldier preferential treatment because she was romantically involved with her. Oh, taking a civilian known homosexual on a helicopter ride is not grounds for Chapter 15 discharge?

I hate to say, I told you so, but Alice, I told you to be more discreet. Now, normally I am not one to espouse that anyone stay in the closet. But I do have to say, this plot line is giving Tasha some great lines about the ridiculousness of don’t ask, don’t tell. May it be repealed and soon.

Bye, Bye Helena, it was nice Knowing You

Mrs. Peabody does succeed in pulling some strings and getting Helena out of jail. She’s also going to get her record expunged and take her off to Europe where her rehabilitation will be more rigorous than the Los Angeles lesbian lifestyle can provide. But Mommy, it seems Helena has some plans of her own. See, she’s hidden the money and she’s going to get Dusty out of jail and the two of them are going to live happily ever after on an island somewhere. Is that it for Helena? Is she being written off the show? Tune in next week to find out…
_{Photos by Paul Michaud/Showtime}