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Kathy Belge

My Daughter is a Lesbian

By February 23, 2008

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My daughter told me that she is a lesbian and has a girlfriend. She asked me not to say anything to anyone, but I feel like I need someone to talk to about this. She is 15 and her girlfriend is 17. I have met her girlfriend and like her. She is very sweet and treats my daughter very well. My daughter is not allowed to date until she turns 16, in three months. Her girlfriend is fine with that and has agreed to go out with groups of friends until then.

I have asked them just to be honest with me. I have told them that they should never feel uncomfortable in my house. I support her decisions in life and just want her to be happy, but I must admit that I am feeling a little anxious about this. I worry about how people may treat her once she tells them. I wonder if this is just a phase, because she likes boys too. She is so young and inexperienced in life. I need to educate myself, so that I can help her through anything that may come up. I can love her and hold her and accept her unconditionally, but this may take more than that.

I have lesbian and gay friends, but I can not talk to them until my daughter is ready for other people to know. I am letting it be her place to tell those in our family and circle of friends. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get educated and also support?
Signed,
Loving Mom

Dear Mom

The first thing you need to know is that you need support. Yes, you should honor your daughter's wishes to come out to people herself, but I suggest you tell her that you need to talk to someone and that you would like to tell one person about her so you can get support. I suggest picking one of your gay and lesbian friends.

You can sign onto the Lesbian Life forum and speak with other lesbians to answer any questions you might have.

Also, here is an article I wrote that may be helpful about how to support your child when she comes out.

You can also check out PFLAG, a support and informational group just for parents.

Finally, Always my Child by Kevin Jennings is an excellent book.

It's nice to hear from you. Write back if you have more questions.
Photo by Kati Garner

Comments
February 23, 2008 at 10:26 pm
(1) Amethyst says:

What a wonderful mother!

February 23, 2008 at 11:43 pm
(2) Cariad says:

What a great mom! You’re daughter is very lucky to have you.

February 24, 2008 at 10:38 am
(3) Dyonsis says:

Too bad more people aren’t as open mined as you are. You are a great role model to you daughter. You are both luck to have each other

February 24, 2008 at 1:51 pm
(4) karmakell says:

WAY to go Mom~

February 26, 2008 at 3:04 pm
(5) Larissa says:

I came out to my mom as a lesbian when I was 13 (I’m 20 now). Her reaction sounds a lot like yours. If only more LGBT kids could be so lucky as your daugther and I am at having such loving parents!

February 28, 2008 at 11:54 am
(6) Aimee says:

Wow, I wish more mothers were like you (my own included). You should be so proud of the relationship you have with your daughter. If only more parents were just as accepting of their children – regardless of the issue – then the world would be a better place! :)

February 28, 2008 at 12:46 pm
(7) jj says:

You are a fantastic mom. My mom was the same with me. She died before I came out. She would have really loved my girlfriend. I miss her. But we are getting married this Saturday and I know she will be looking down at us.
Way to go!!!!

February 28, 2008 at 7:26 pm
(8) Beka says:

Hey.. I love my mom, but when I came out to her she told me she couldn’t help me with that and guess what? That was 3 years ago and yet we haven’t talk about it not even one single day since then… I’d really like her to be like you so that we could talk and support each other… i can’t have a girlfriend ’cause I know that would hurt her so much so i try to concentrate on school … but I’m glad you are trying to be as supportive as you can to your daughter… and i hope everything works fine… xoxo

February 29, 2008 at 12:35 am
(9) ann says:

First, congratulations on you’re wonderful relationship with your daughter. As for wheather or not she is gay, bi or just going through a teen thing, only time will tell. Just be there for her, and continue to be the loving mother you are.That is all she needs from you for now, just to know that what ever she decides is the right path for her, you will always love her.When the time is right , she will “come out”.

February 29, 2008 at 12:22 pm
(10) Riley says:

can u be my mom? my father is so controling and homophobic the rest of the family follows suit. maybe she like boys but is the way i was they were my best friends and i like to look at them but thats about it. im totally lesbian and im out to everyone except family. everyone clues the important ppl in their lives in but only when they feel they are ready to take on whatever the consequences are. if yall live in a place that can be very homophobic it mite take her a while to gain the stability she feels she needs in her life to come out. but since u have gay and lez friends ur probably in a better place than im in so she just needs time.

February 29, 2008 at 5:03 pm
(11) charlie says:

hey loving mom

at least you are supporting your daughter that will be a big help to her when she does decide to come out to everyone. some of us dont have that and find it difficult when trying to be true to ourselves.

lesbian writer who doesnt have support.

March 1, 2008 at 2:28 am
(12) Joni says:

I’m a mom, and I’m lesbian. You are both so blessed to have one another. What an excellant example you are for your daughter and those around you.

March 4, 2008 at 5:56 pm
(13) Lotus Whitedragon says:

Thank Goddess you’re not judging her!

I think the best way to support your daughter is to understand and learn about homosexuality. Remember that she is still the same daughter BEFORE you knew she liked girls. Support her by treating her like you always have.

You said in your letter that it could be just a phase, after all she likes guys, too. It could be just a phase, but bear in mind that she could be bisexual; most bi people prefer one gender over the other.

March 5, 2008 at 12:31 am
(14) ashlee says:

i really like your attitude my mom was the same way when i told her i was a lebian but everyone else in my family wasnt they know but they act like its a phase or we dont say anything i really admire your relationship with your daughter

March 10, 2008 at 5:16 pm
(15) Gen McNulty says:

Hi,
My aunt found out about a year ago that my cousin is a Lesbian. She has been very loving and supportive but is still having a hard time. She would LOVE to have someone to chat with about this with but isn’t sure where to start. She’s been to a few PFlag meetings but the parents all seemed to be dealing with VERY extreme issues and she didn’t really fit in. Any advice or info you might have would be so appreciated!!!
Thanks for you time!
Gen :)

January 14, 2009 at 7:04 am
(16) Tiffany says:

your a great mom my mom doesnt know im bisexual but she says mean stuff to me all the time she doesnt support me and is a shammed of me

November 22, 2009 at 8:14 pm
(17) G. says:

I’ve read all comments and I support mom. There is right way to react. But in another hand, the girls is only 16, and has no expirience in life. We do not no the details how does she came to this idea at the first place. She may be experimenting… well, but here is a really tricky part. If you do not no the direction, you stick with your guess and … longer you stick with your guess, much easier start to belive that this is all true. All responses are covering just one site of the story, but how about the another side. How to make sure that you daughter is not a victim of simple influence or mass media…. Once young person has committed to relationship it is very hard to convince the after, that there is another way. It is very early to define who is who at this age, and it just not very responsoble…..

May 5, 2010 at 1:03 am
(18) kay says:

i have just found out that my daughter has a girlfriend, my daughter is only 14 and this girl is 16, i feel like she is grooming her, i am devestated… not for the fact that she maybe lesbian, but for the fact that this girl is older than her. Am sat here crying as i write this as dont know what way to turn…… i am proud of her no matter what, she is still my daughter, and will back her what ever path way she chooses, HELP.

July 27, 2010 at 1:23 pm
(19) Daizy says:

my daughter is 16 and I just found out that she is into her best friend. Who is 15. The other girl has already been with another girl before my daughter. This is a first for my girl. I told my daughter that I love her no matter what. That I wouldn’t judge her and her friend. Also informed her that I am confused about the whole thing. But that I would always be here for her. I am hoping it is just a phase. I have never had to deal with anything like this. Really hope I am going about it the right way. Don’t won’t to chase my girl away from home and don’t want her to be picked on either.

September 19, 2013 at 6:21 pm
(20) Stan and Susan says:

We have two daughters very loving and beautiful girls. One is 19 and the other is 17. Our 19 year old came out to us when she was 16 and per her request we were to say nothing to any one. She wanted to be only be discussed between us her parents and her sister. She wants to let it be known to the world when she’s 20. As a parents I think we were maybe disappointed that she was lesbian maybe because we thought she would get married and have a family. We were not to argue about it this is what she wants and shes old enough to decide on her life, Both her and her partner are in college and studying to be her own self. We are proud of her and we will love her. no matter what.

November 7, 2013 at 3:21 pm
(21) Mary Beth says:

You’re doing a bad job as a parent. One of my sorority sisters daughters turned 16 three years and told her mother she was a lesbian. She also tried to be the ultra cool, supportive parent. She allowed her drop out of cheerleading and allowed her to make excuses on why she didn’t want to be in her normal school activities. Karen, was talking about how i need to learn to be a better parent like her. That is until she, her husband, and and their 13 year old son came home from shopping to find their daughter nude with a girl’s head between her legs and another girl one recording video on her iphone. As many of you know but are not strong enough women as well as parents to admit, teenage girls are extremely impressionable, especially with anything sexual, and are not intelligent as the media would like have you believe. Our daughter was only allowed to do her homework, learn to cook & clean, do her cheerleading & school clubs and she is not allowed to spend time with ignorant sluts. Just because you like having someone masterbate and have oral sex with you is not a life defining moment, She knows that sex with girls, as my sorority that she was a legacy, is just something pretty get to do for fun. But to be a strong woman, you need a man.

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