Relationship Issues Due to Different Sex Drives
Friday May 16, 2008
One of the things I hear from people the most is about differences in sex drives. Here is a sampling of questions I received just this month:
She is depressed, naturally and does not want to have sex. She admitted she is pulling away from people... but swears she loves me still as always...
I'm 23 and my partner is 21. The problem is, we've been back together since June last year and have had sex once which was quick and me doing her...
An underlying feeling of rejection has developed in me over time from her with regard to our sex life. It is very hard for me to initiate any affection romance or sex with her without being brushed off. I kept raising the issue with her time and again and was told that there was nothing wrong with it, in fact it was all about me and my low self esteem in this regard. It started to mess with my head a lot and I started to feel powerless and weak....so my advances started to feel half hearted and tension filled. Recently when I could not take the rejection anymore I confronted her strongly and she agreed that indeed she has issues when it comes to sex with me..That's just a sampling. Every day, it seems I receive more and more letters from people who are having issue of differing sexual desire than their partners. Obviously this is not an easy issue to solve. If it were, the problem would not be so prevalent. But I did some research and have come up with some tools and suggestions for lesbian couples with different sex drives.
If you have solved this issue in your relationship, please share ideas in the comments section below.
© Photo by Ann- Kathrin Rehse
I want to address this to women who have a low sex drive…
My partner has had a hysterectomy and has had some problems which led me to wait for years to address the situation fully.
She has been so wonderful in dealy with me as I am 17 going on 42 in the physical department. She has really talked to me and started learning more about herself and US as a couple and it seems to really be working in bringing us closer emotionally as well as sexually.
Try talking and experimenting, it works
No, that doesn’t work at least for my situation. Trying to talk about only leads to a cold turned shoulder — experimenting!! – huh – I wish…..that is so out of the question. I’m gay at forty and in a relationship with my first going on 3 years and sex is like non-existent and i’m a sexual person but, i’m also a loyal person.
I’m 34 and my partner is 51,When I do her first I’m left frustated and very horny!! As she goes to sleep.I wanna cheat,but I feel the onw woman who said she is loyal,thats my problem,I started off with men and she also doesn’t understand why I need to be penetrated!When she makeloves to me my body screams MORE MORE!! INSERT ME PLEASE! BuT SHE DOESN’T AND I JUST GO TO BED UNSATISFIED,WHAT SHOULD I DO?? AND YES I TRIED TALKING OVER AND OVER, she doesn’t get it i guesss,sorry about the caps I didn’t feel like rewriting lol
I just feel it’s up to the maturity of the reltionship between the couple conserned, there’s no quick fix to this problem but to deal with it head on, or rahter find satisfaction in what little that you do. My partner and I have been together for a year now, we noticed our sexual differences within the first few months of being together (atleast I did). I have the tendancy of wanting to do her first and I like her to do me afterwards… big problem for me…when I’m done with her she too exhausted and no longer in the mood so it isnt as pleasurable anymore. We discussed it a couple of times and came to no particular resolution which still left me frustrated and unsatisfied. Through our experimenting and having openness to talk about sex afterwards I have maneged to find a way around my frustrations while still giving her the same satisfaction, infact she says she enjoys sex even more now.
So the moral of my story is that you shouldn’t always be looking at changing her to get your maximum satisfaction but you should be working on what causes her to be unable to give you the satisfaction you need and change that to yours and her advantage, in my case I just had to slow down and change our lovemaking pattern so shes still able to give her attention to me.
My girlfriend (two and a half years) and I have been working on this situation for a while. We used to have similar sex drives, but hers has tapered off in recent months. I am usually the one to initiate and it is enjoyable but not necessarily desirable for her. We have talked the heck out of it – is it stress, work, family, physical changes, relationship, living situation (we don’t live together yet), etc. We haven’t hit on a reason yet.
It can be very frustrating (since I do still have a sex drive) and also very frightening (I have some residual body issues and I worry that she’s not attracted to me). But the main thing that we have agreed on throughout our relationship is that we have a wonderful, beautiful life together completely outside of sex, and we would be okay and happy without sex. We would obviously both prefer that sex is part of the relationship, but we know how to enjoy each other in many other ways as well. We are good communicators, and very dedicated to each other.
Just this weekend we made love (which yes, I initiated). Usually I go off like a rocket first, but this time I slowed down and focused on the things that I know are pleasurable to my girlfriend – taking my time, gentle strokes, kisses, things like that. It was hard to overcome how turned on I was so that I could stay focused on her, but it was a great benefit in the end
Oh thank heavens I’m not all ALONE in this situation! My situation is word for word a combination of all the above comments almost! I’m in a relationship with the first and only woman I’ve ever loved. We’ve been together for 8 years now, I’m 24 and she’s 27. We had a powerful lovelife up until about a year ago and just as you all I’m the “addict” and she’s “happy in just being able to hold me”! I’m not though, no where near it, it’s started to affect my EVERY thought, my self-esteem, my trust-everything! I love her with every fiber I exist from, but I know something has shifted-and not in a good way. I have no one to talk to about it (my friends are straight, my family is ummm- no, and that leaves me to me) I’ve talked about our-well in her eyes my problem to the point that it has turned into a battle and now she’s building a fort to dodge the subject! We love each other and by day hugging, kissing, and holding we are “perfect”, but when night falls I’m depressed begging to make it through one more night of being alone and empty. What happens now where do I go from this point? God, I don’t want to betray her, but I’m constantly fighting off urges that don’t seem to be weakening! PLEASE HELP!