I'm Afraid of Losing Her to Her Ex
Saturday July 26, 2008
Dear Lesbian Life:
She used to date this other girl, who's left a massive influence on her. Even today, she does things that remind her of this other girl, like accessing her online blog on a regular basis or wearing certain t-shirts that she gave her. Although she claims having let go of the past, she's bringing parts of it into present. Now, judging by the way things go, I feel like a petty replacement.We've been through a lot, from health issues, family quarrels, exams, graduation, coming out together and so on. I'd even die for her... I think she'd be hurt if I just started the topic or she'd think it's obsessing me (which isn't entirely untrue) so I really can't really talk to her about it. And, on top of all, there's the not-so-slight possibility that the girl she used to date will be in the same college as us starting fall. So not only there will be reminders, there will actually be the real person in flesh... I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER... HELP!
Dear Fearful,
I hear in your email that you really love your partner and want to make things work with her. But your insecurities may actually be the thing that drives her away. Just as you said she is not able to hide things from you, I’m guessing you’re not able to hide from her. Most likely she knows that you are jealous and suspicious of her relationship with her ex, even if you haven’t talked about it specifically.The first thing you have to realize is...keep reading...
When I was much younger (about 30 years ago) I believed that the ex could not be a good friend if the other found a new love. But it simply can turn out to be a great friendship for all involved. There are some things that never change and one of those are emotional attractions to people we end up in relationships with through the years. You are young and will realize this some day. For now, be confident that you have something truly special that attracted your girlfriend to you. Don’t mess it up by being jealous. If it is meant to be the “one” it will work itself out. But don’t put road blocks in by acting or being jealous. Communication and honesty is the best policy. You need to grow up and accept that your girl and her ex are probably going to end up being really good friends.
The biggest problem is your insecurity. You and only you can sort this out. Until you address this, it will be a constant problem in this and any future relationships you may have
Also you need to be able to talk to your girlfriend about anything that is bothering you. If she has any degree of sensitivity, she is probably aware that there is something wrong
Hi, This is a really great forum for women. I think we have much to discuss. This story sounds like so many people I know. I believe ex’s can make good friends but it’s not an easy transition for some. It’s also a relationship that develops over time. The truth is in many cases it makes for problems later with new relationships. In the end make sure the relationship is worth the static it will cause.
I agree with (ochi) that some people can be friends after a failed relationship….my ex and I are good friends even tho we are still figuring things out were trying, because we enjoy each others company still. But we respect each others new relationships and we are each others best cheerleader! And at first there was jealousy with new relationships, but at the end of the day it’s about trust until you have no reason to trust.