Advice for Mom and Daughter
Sunday September 21, 2008
I've seen a lot of posts onto the Lesbian Life Forum over the years, but I've never seen anything quite like this. First a mom posted this very valid question about her 14 year old daughter who has just come out.
My 14 year old daughter came out to me about a week ago. She has a girlfriend and we (my husband, my other daughter and I ) suspected that they were more then friends for a while, but until my 14yo decided to tell us we left it alone. Now that she told us things haven't changed, except for maybe one thing............and this is where we don't know what to do. I know for a fact that (we'll call the girlfriend b) b's dad knows about this but her mom doesn't. To my dismay he knew before we did. I was wondering why she wasn't allowed to spend the night and now I know. That's the problem, how do I treat this relationship. When b is here do I apply the same rules as I would if it were a male? Things like keeping the bedroom door open, no sleepovers? How do I handle this in terms of privacy? Any and all advice is welcome.People wrote in to mom with great advice. Then a few days later, her daughter wrote in:
Hi. My mom just recently posted her little forum about me and my girlfriend of eight months...Why should this be treated as though I were dating a male? Why don't gender rules apply? You see, we were best friends before anything and still...to this day I love having sleepovers with her. We use them just to spend more time with each other. I am now in high school and she is still in middle school and we barely get to see each other anymore and it's tough. I would like to know what you all think.Got advice for either? Log into the Lesbian Life Forum.
thanks. that is my girlfriend’s mom + my girlfriend’s posts.
i still dont get it.
are you against or for it?
As a mother and a lesbian, I think of course the same rules apply. The same rules of respect, of privacy and even leaving the bedroom door open should apply. Discussions of “sex before you’re ready” is equally important. Sleep-overs? I don’t know. I remember my “sleep-overs” in high school. Judging by that, I would say, “Oh, hell no”.
Although my daughter is older now, she has spent time here at my house with her girlfriend because it was easier than listening to her Ex-roommate now bitch. It was a little hard at first, but then again, not all lesbians have any sexual contact besides kissing. I would stay sleepovers with the doors open are fine, as long as it is in different beds.
I also feel this way about boy/girl friends. Not everyone has a need for sex.
Here is my opinion, take it as you will. I think that it is important that mom and daughter both sit down to establish the rules of the household and what the expected behaviors are given the current situation. Mom and daughter may want to discuss the extent of the relationship, feelings, thought, and behaviors in the relationship. Though the relationship is between two young ladies, there also is the need to acknowledge that the relationship is defined as more than just “best friends.” It is wonderful that the family has been so open and accepting of the teen couple and I want to congratulate both daughter for coming out and the family for their support. So, mom and daughter, sit down, have a talk. Chat about the concerns, issues, benefits etc. about the rules of the house and how to handle the relationship. Also, do not be afraid to be honest, to take time to listen, learn, communicate, and think. Though it’s a difficult thing, you can both come to the conclusion that works for your family with the best interests of the daughter at hand. Good luck!