I Have a Crush on My AA Sponsor
Monday November 3, 2008
Question: I'm 41, unhappily married with two children and to tell you the truth, I have never thought of myself as gay or bi. But for some reason, I am questioning that now. I'll be honest, I've been through a lot of crap over the past 10-plus years and ended up abusing pain medication, then alcohol. Well, I'm in AA now and absolutely love it. I have a sponsor that is helping me some but I am finding that I think about her all the time. I try to find ways to spend time with her. She is an affectionate person and being the insecure person I am, I love it when I get hugs from her.
I save her voicemails because she always ends them with "I Love You". Of course, she says that to all her friends and sponsees. Sometimes I see her holding hands with another woman in the group or she will have her arm another woman and I find myself wishing that were me...
Getting Clean Karen
Dear Karen:
Often times when people become sober, they discover parts of themselves that were previously hidden or suppressed by the drug or alcohol use. I think it's important that you are looking at yourself, getting clean and questioning your sexual orientation. For someone who has been in unfulfilling relationships, the kind of support and attention an AA sponsor gives is unlike anything you’ve experienced before...keep reading.© Paulo Correa
I have similar experience regarding my relationship with my sponsor. I have remained sober and I credit her for helping me get a foundation. However, my emotional clinginess to her and need for her approval created a lot of unnecessary drama for me. I changed sponsors – it was scary and unsettling. I remain friends with my first sponsor and now our relationship is much healthier. My current sponsor is someone to whom I relate much better and who has matured in sobriety the way I hope to mature. It was win-win. Definitely sobriety is first and most important, even if having an emotional obsessions feels exciting right now. If nothing’s happening, the alcoholic tendency is to create some excitment!
Change sponsors immeadiately. You might even want to consider a Gay man as a sponsor. Just find someone who you are not sexually attracted to and someone who will look out for your best interests.
I also have had this experience. I purposely chose my sponsor as a woman I would “never” be attracted to. I did find myself thinking about her as a potential girlfriend. I had come out to myself when I first sobered up, but refrained from getting into a new relationshiop until at least a year had passed. I believe from sponsoring many women that it is normal to feel attracted to your first sponsor…for the same reason that Kathy mentioned. If you understand that there is no way you’ll have a “love” relationship with your sponsor, you can get past this point. I didn’t have the luxury of sober gay men to ask to sponsor me. I’ve been sober over 20 years now by the Grace of God.