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From the Lesbian Life Forum

I am 16. Out of nowhere my dad moved out and they tell me they are getting divorced and it turns out my mom was having an affair with the woman who babysits my sisters!!! We live in a kind of small town and so everyone found out about it. Then they went to court and my dad got custody of my sisters and even though they donít live far away I hardly ever see them and miss them.

Then when I went back to school it was way worse because everyone knew and made fun of my 'dyke' mom and said I was probably a dyke and my friends wonít talk to me because they donít want people to say theyíre gay.

And as if that isnít bad enough Iíve never had a boyfriend or done anything but I'm not attracted to girls but not really attracted to guys either so I'm not sure myself.

I tried to talk to my counseler at school but he's old and makes me nervous and he just said give it time. And I tried to talk to the pastor at the where I worked but he just said basically my mom is going to hell. What can I do???

February 21, 2009 at 1:49 pm
(1) Monica says:

It sounds like your surrounded by a lot of conformist self absorbed emotionally crippled parasites. Im sorry sweety, I don’t think anything I’ll say will make a difference, but what I can say is that your life is just beginning! Your in transition. Its normal to feel that way, like your misplaced in the world? You’ll find your balance between happiness and serenity. It may be soon, which is unlikely, or in the near future.. Keep strong for yourself, strive for excellence.

February 22, 2009 at 10:54 am
(2) maria says:

I Can Tell you life is like sand going through an hour glass and so are the days of our lives —-my mom was a lesbina and I truned out Bi. but it ant all bad you will find out as you get a little older so hang in there it all works out –[ and your mom is not going to Hell ] read the good book

February 23, 2009 at 9:14 am
(3) Manuel says:

Your mom’s generation has many people in it discovering they are bisexual. Back when they were teenagers, the information was not out there like today. Marriages among your mom and dad’s generation now suffer from the lack of info ‘back then’.

Small towns are notorious for what you’re going through. It’s a bit stereotypical actually. It sounds like TV frankly.

I understand you must miss your parents being together. Aside from all this gay stuff, cheating stuff etc., you just want your family back how it was or better, so that you can feel normal. Being 16 is hard enough, than having to deal with your parent discovering herself and being swept away.

Public school is originally designed to socially conform kids into socially-obedient adults. You are different, so to the other kids, that means you are not conforming. Ultimately, the other kids are just listening to whatever their parents are teaching them or failing to teach them. Bunches of the kids who make fun of you will in a few to several years realize they are also bi or gay. Some already know and just pretend not to! For those who pretend, making fun of you help them to feel better than you. This is actually their own low self-esteem. Always try to look past what seems obvious.

The reason you don’t really like guys is because you have never been with one, same for girls. Do you really believe girl lust after girls as must as they seem to? Most young guy only pretend to, because they think they are supposed to act that way. A great many guys are just as innocent as you and many kinda want to keep their virginity, ‘to wait for the right girl’. Sound familiar? Yeah, mostly you hear girls talking that way, but many guy ALSO feel that way.

You ARE plenty sure of yourself. You are sure, you don’t really like either YET. And once you do finally share intimacy with someone, then you will start to develop a taste for that type of person. From that point your taste grows and develops, as you explore more and more into it. For example, you might have a sweet spot for blonde guy now. If one get to you at the heart, then that taste is developing. Soon, you know you like blondes who remind you of that first. From there your taste can grow and change, depending on future relationships. This works across sexes too, but back in your mom’s day–that area was still too taboo. Let me tell you something though: Way, waaay before your mom was born–like 150 yeeears ago, bisexuality was actually more common than it is today. Time is cyles like waves on a shore. =) Way back then, it was not called bisexuality and also the term homosexual was not yet thought of either. It was just kinda like a thing you did before getting married. It was especially common for boys to mess around with each other, then normally “quit that”, once they got married. This wasn’t talked about. No ‘sex’ was ‘talked about’. Bisexuality is natural to a great many mammals (animals with fur, who hold babies in their “stomachs” like we do), not just humans. The history lesson I juat gave you is boiled down real basic.

Your mom’s not going to hell. There’s no such place. Your counselor is right. Things do settle with time.

What can you do? You can accept what has happened, best you can. At the same time, you can take an active attitude and visit your mom/dad as often as possible, if not call. You are kinda more the adult-minded one.. You can focus on your studies. You only have two more years of High School. You can start planning for college and getting out of that town, but close enough to visit, when you need to.

In 2 years you are 18. Welcome to life, where problems challenge you to grow and mature ad infinitum. Life is about learning, and self-exploration. Your mom is certainly exploring. She could have done things differently, but try to see where she might be coming from. Certainly looking down on her ultimately hurts you the most. My mom died when I was 9. And my grandmother raised me in a way, that took me some insight to see the best of. My younger brother is deceased etc. etc. I am not even 30. And I was also the different one in HS.

What have you learned from all this? What have you learned about “adults”? Perhaps many adults are really just big kids who are tired and stressed? And now, how can you take all you’ve learned and make it WORK for you, building you up into a better, stronger, more successful young girl, heading for young womanhood? This is a challenge and you CAN do it, because if you couldn’t overcome all this, it wouldn’t be happening ‘for’ you.

Very Best Wishes
*hugs, hugs, hugs* =]

February 23, 2009 at 11:32 pm
(4) Dana says:

One invaluable resource is Abigail Garner’s book Families Like Mine: Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Tell It Like It Is. Garner’s own dad divorced her mom and came out as gay when she was five. Her book is more than just her own story, however–she has interviewed dozens of other children from gay and lesbian families, many of whom had parents who came out later in life.

You might also want to look at Garner’s Web site, familieslikemine.com.

February 26, 2009 at 1:43 pm
(5) Lulee says:

Iím a lesbian mother of 2, a boy(30) and a girl(35),they have never seen a man in my house(as a partner), I have been with the same woman for over 25 years. My daughter is also a lesbian, and she came out when she was 19, at that time she confessed that she was afraid of coming out because of my parents, she didnít want them to say, she is a lesbian because her mother is one. Eventually people will understand that our background may influence who we are but we are responsible for whom we become, and you will probably be a very understanding and accepting person due to your life experiences and remember people will discriminate only because discrimination is fear of knowledge.

February 28, 2009 at 12:43 pm
(6) Brianna says:

I went through something very similar myself in high school. I know how terrible it can be to feel isolated and alone. It’s a very hard way to find out how good your friends actually are, but try and use this opportunity to find some people that will accept you and your mom for exactly who you are.
I want you to know that you are a wonderful person, and so is your mom. And it is common to question your sexuality when you are young, whether you have a gay or straight parent, so don’t worry to much about it. Just try to be as true to yourself as possible, and don’t worry that you haven’t been with anyone yet. You’ll get there when the time is right.
I offer my best wishes to you. And if for some reason there isn’t anyone you feel you can talk to right now, reach out to the broader community using resources like the internet. I’m sure you will find plenty of people in your situation that you can talk to.
And most importantly, your mom is absolutely NOT going to hell. It may be time to find a new pastor.

March 2, 2009 at 6:35 pm
(7) kory says:

i’m bi, and my mom’s homophobic and i’ve come out to her and let me tell you. it’s hard when friends reject you, but it’s about a million times worse when your family does. stand by your mom, the reason she didn’t tell anyone till now is because she was scared, if you know now it’s because she trusts you. and people will get over the way they’re acting now and you’ll make better friends.

~~everyone on the planet says you can’t choose who you fall in love with and half the people on the planet say that people who fall in love with others of their gender made the ‘choice’ to do so. it doesn’t even make sense does it; when it’s said like that.

May 1, 2009 at 2:34 am
(8) Chyna says:

I grew up in a small town located in the bible belt with a gay mom. People were not nice to me i even had one girl ask me if my mom had sex with me just becuaus she was gay (which i quickly answered does your dad have sex with you cuz he likes women,any way). People in school are awfull wait people in general are awful and will attack anything that is unfamilar to them. One thing that helped me was i was open with it.I was not ashamed and i decided to educate people because i loved my mom very much and i did’nt really care what any one eles said. I know it seems bad now but after a few years people saw that i was a normal person.Me having a gay mom had not turned me into a raging lesbo/drugi/drunk i was still kinda like them except my mom was gay. You will also learn as you get older churchs are the biggest liers hypocrits and assholes around. In my older age (18) i have quit going to church because all they preach is judgment and hate,and somehow i just dont belive in god any more because of them. The god thing you will have to talk to yourself about how you feel. But as far as a gay mom goes i couldt be happier with mine and i know she has been a better mother than alot of straight moms. I belive things will get better because now even in my small town of 3000 we have many openly gay people who are treated equally and no even asks about my gay mom any more. I hope this has helped.

December 8, 2010 at 2:02 pm
(9) Oliver Capon says:

It’s ok! I’m gay and was hiding in the closet until I found out that my divorced mum was also a lesbian! These things happen. Best to just smile and be happy about the good things in life :) Keep going with the counseling, it can only do wonders.

All the best,


September 24, 2012 at 2:30 am
(10) my moms a homo says:

Dont worry.My moms a homo and a disgrace.She is an embarrassment and a lair and walked out on my family for years to be a gay as we all thought she was dead.I say fuck her!! One lie after another with this disgrace of a mother i have.You don’t have to except shit! So don’t let people tel you that you have to.People are going to say to just come to terms with what happen and you will learn to except it in time.But they have not gone through the lies and bull shit.She choose her life and you pick yours and who is in it.Let me tell you that my mother has put me in bad situations my whole life.From really bad abuse to sending me away to giving me up for adoption when i was 11 and soooooo much more.I say fuck it.I am good to my wife of 10 years and my 9 year old son.You don’t have to be a product of your environment.I am shocked i am not a drug addict or a drunk.And the reason i don’t drink is because my mother took me to bars at 3 and started giving me alcohol at the age of 5 .SO FUCK HER!!

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