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Kathy Belge

No Sex in Your Relationship? What Can Be Done?

By May 18, 2009

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This letter arrived in today's mail. It's line one of dozens I get every month, a lesbian who is in love with her partner and everything is going great, except for the sex:
My wife and I got married in October and have been together for three and a half years. In the beginning, just like with most relationships we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Now, it been so long since we've had sex I can't even remember the last time. I love her very much and am still very attracted to her, in all ways possible. I try to start things but it never seems to go anywhere. When I talk to her about it she says it’s her not me. She says she wants something new or more foreplay. I have tried everything I can think of but nothing seems to work.

I tried sensual massage, more touching and teasing, but nothing works, if anything it makes her so relaxed she falls asleep on me. I am the one always trying to initiate, she hasn’t initiated in months.

I am frustrated and it’s made me want to give up. I mean after trying and being rejected so much you don’t want to try any more... HELP! How can I get our spark back?

I've written several articles on this topic: I think lesbian bed death is a real problem in many relationships and people are often ashamed to talk about. I've offered several different takes on the problem and offered solutions. But now I'm turning to you. Have you ever experienced a lack of sex in a relationship? How have you solved this problem?
© Abdulaziz Almansour
May 19, 2009 at 9:09 am
(1) karen says:

Give it up. I just spent two years hoping to get the spark back in my relationship, only to find her breaking up with me after 3 yrs now. She’s emotionally distanced from you. Don’t waste your life hoping like I did. Move on for YOUR OWN SAKE. There’s someone out there for you who WILL meet your needs. Put your energy into finding her. Good luck!

May 21, 2009 at 10:40 am
(2) Addison says:

I have been with my partner for 14 years. almost 3 years ago I gave birth to our son. (using a fertility Dr., and sperm bank, we planned it out very well). I know she loves me and our son. Since last October, she hasnt touched me, we dont make out, we barely kiss goodnight. Cuddling is a take it or leave it with her. I have lost over 40 lbs, and I am in the best shape of my life at 127 lbs. I try to talk to her, share my feelings, and she says she understands but says something is missing, and we need to figure out how to get it back. I cant leave her, we have a son, and I love her with all I am. I just dont know how she can hurt me and disregard my feelings the way she does. I need affection, so what do i do if she cant be there physically for me?!?!?

May 21, 2009 at 11:24 am
(3) Kat says:

I have been with my gal for 6 yrs, until last summer, our sex life hasn’t seen much action and she is getting frustrated. Many of my problems stem from going thru Menopause, and those feelings for sex just aren’t not there. I have tried to please her but I just could not get my spark back. Pretending to have sexual feelings doesn’t work, she understands about the menopause stuff, but its hard for her. I used to be a tiger in bed, now I am a lost kitten. Sucks.

May 21, 2009 at 2:51 pm
(4) chris says:

i’ve been with my partner for almost 4 years in august.we have’t had sex in forever.and she wants to get married at her sisters in feb .we still love each other very much. she says it’s the kids being up.or one of us isn’t in the mood.or that time of the month for me.

May 22, 2009 at 12:15 am
(5) Luz says:

In my opinion, when passion is gone there’s no chance to make it come back. I was 10 years without sex and it made me decide to look for a complete relationship (Love with sex) with another person. I was afraid of being alone and felt guilty about my couple because I lied to her and then I hurt her. Talking was really difficult for both of us. Accepting that we had a big problem was too hard. So I did the wrong thing to do. The result is now I’m alone, no more couple, no more lover, and a lot of questions in my mind. Talking honestly is the best or the only way to solve these situations. Honesty & respect (for ourselves and for the others) are always the best choice.

May 22, 2009 at 3:39 pm
(6) Cris says:

Wow! En mi caso personal, pues soy yo la que no quiere nada que se relacione con sexo. Mi pareja y esposa es maravillosa, pero no tenemos creo, “química”. Mis parejas anteriores fueron unas desgraciadas aprovechadas, pero el sexo era insaciable y fenomenal. Ahora, ella es la persona más amable,atenta,dedicada, en fin…y no me atrae físicamente. Eso, es lo que llegué a concluir. O sea, es casi perfecta por dentro, pero por fuera no me excita en lo más mínimo. Lo que termina de complicar la situación, es que no podemos hablar al respecto con naturalidad y mente positiva, crea mucho conflicto, discusiones desagradables, rencores y al final…hacemos como que no pasa nada, pasan los días, las noches, sin intimidad, sin hablar al respecto. Me siento mal, claro, ella, también…qué hacer? Terapia en pareja…por aquí es difícil y ella lo detesta, así que…lo lamento, no sé qué hacer, pero gracias por la oportunidad de poder compartir.

May 24, 2009 at 11:29 am
(7) ggbs says:

I so relate to this problem. I had the most passionate sex with my partner for 1.5 years then we moved in together and things fizzled physically. Now we live apart and we have the same problem still. But we love each other and we make each other laugh. I still want her but now that time has passed and we have not had sex, I feel devaststed and rejected – and I don’t know if I can stay b/c it hurts me to feel not wanted physically. I am afraid to leave for fear that I will never find anyone again – that I will be alone forever. I was married to a man for over a decade, figured out my orientation and left my marriage. This is my first lesbian relationship and I am afraid if it ends, it will be my last. I don’t know whether to stay or go. The comments here suggest that once passion is gone, it’s over. But my passion remains and hers is gone. But she says she wants it to work more than anything and she wants us to be together and that she can’t imagine life without me. But she won’t go to therapy couples or by herself. What should I do??

May 26, 2009 at 10:25 am
(8) karen says:

ggbs….do yourself a big favor and move on. don’t waste your life hoping like i did. it’s not worth it. it’s over, and the longer you wait to get out, the harder it will become. My relationship died a month after I moved in. Spent two years trying to get the spark back. Take care of yourself and new doors will open for you.

May 27, 2009 at 5:45 pm
(9) jane says:

My partner and I have been together for five years. She lost all sexual desire because of menopause a few years ago. She knows I have missed sex with her, and that I am loyal and committed to her regardless.

She surprised me two weeks ago when we went out for coffee, which we rarely do. She reiterated her love for me, and her on-going lack of desire, and encouraged me to find others to fill my sexual needs. Her love for me was overwhelming.

The local bookstore was having a class called Open Relationships 101 two nights later–what timing! The class provided a lot of good information on setting boundaries, and repeatedly reiterated that the key to success was complete and honest communication.

A book suggested at the class, which I bought that night, is called The Ethical Slut, “a comprehensive, no holds barred guide for anyone who dreams of having all the sex and love and friendship she wants.” I strongly recommend it if you (or your girlfriend) is feeling less than fulfilled in your relationship, sexually or otherwise.

Society tells us that all our needs should be met in a monogamous relationship. Many of us have friends and activities that do not include our partner. This book suggests that sex can be one of those activities, whether or not there is sex in your relationship. It can work both ways!

I put personal ads on a few websites, and already have had one date, my first one in over 20 years. We did get physical that night and it was heavenly, feeling and smelling and tasting a woman who wanted to make love to me. My girlfriend knew about the date, and is very happy for me.

This type of relationship is obviously not for every one, but my girlfriend is committed to my happiness, even if it is in another woman’s arms. Our relationship is growing stronger, as she no longer feels guilty about not meeting my needs, and I have an outlet for those needs.

The Ethical Slut is written by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, and published by Grennery Press.

October 14, 2009 at 11:17 pm
(10) Eric says:

Try this one of for size. we have two lovely daughters. i got my wife pregnant first time no prob in 2005. 2 or 3 times having sex to get her, then ERRRRR none for another 2 years. Then she comes to me all horny and wants a nother child i say ok. Well that one comes out 2005 november she will be two. So lets total time with no sex 3 years before for the first one,2 years next in between kids, now add 3 more years since the other one is born. so total 8 years no sex except to get pregnant. What do i do i need it so badly but i want her to want me and it. She is too much a good goody for this to hapen to. i dont want to seperate like for my kids sake but if i aint get any in awhile what do i do?? i am about to go crazy we have a Friendship NOT A marriage.

September 28, 2010 at 12:15 pm
(11) val says:

Ive been with my girl for ten years one year ago she gave birth to a baby boy now she tells me she dont feel the same for me. she ignores me and never wants to sleep next to me nor does she even wants to kiss or let me even hold her, My heart and soul is so tired and Im ready to move on. Ive done alot for her and her baby And to this day I still do. Im just doing whats best for me and hopfully she will come around if not Im out…….

April 12, 2011 at 7:32 am
(12) chris says:

well, i thought i was the only guy having problems, but after reading the above it sounds that there are many people in the same boat, i myself have not had sex for 7months with my partner of 12years its only then she lost interest in sex, she says the smell and desire she doesn’t like, we have 2 year old daughter, very bizarre, unfortunately i have a very high sex drive and now get my pleasures from somewhere else as i have talked to her about the situation and how i feel but she thinks nothing is wrong surely she must know how important sex is to a man, she says she loves me but i want her to love me physically as well isn’t that part of the package. anyway i will be drawing the line in the next 4weeks as its driving me nutz.

November 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm
(13) jeannie says:

Karen, I’m so sorry that your relationship went horribly wrong but the answer is not always giving up. Our lives are hard to live and being in a committed yet relation takes work period. It’s not a fairytale princess story. Look for everyone who is having relationship issues, I’m with you, my partner and I stopped being intimate for months on end. It tore me apart and her as well, she actually started talking to people online to get attention. I caught her and we had it out. But my point is, we were both wanting the same thing, to know we were wanted physically and that we were still sexy. we did tell each other how we were feeling. Problem was… Communication! We have been together 3 years as of today and this happened just a couple of months ago. My advise is to communicate and be 100 percent honest with each other no matter how much they don’t want to hear it. at the same time, you have to be honest with yourself and take a step back and see if there is something you may need to change as well. Yes I still battle the trust and hurt from it all but I love her and know that she loves me. Seeing a couples counselor can also help, they have them for our lifestyle. Don’t walk away if you love them until you know you have tried everything. When you have then walk away with your head held high and know it their loss and someone will want you for who you are and appreciate and cherish what you have to offer.

April 17, 2013 at 4:06 am
(14) Denise says:

My name is Denise i been with my Girl almost a year’ well when our relationship started we usto have lots of sex we was crazy for each other; well i still am for her and i love her so much and i she is very much in love with me and our sex its great when ever we make it , but now she never comes to me start torning me on or anything its like shes just ok with me just loving her and she loving me but she turns me on 24/7 ,i try and talk about it but she just tells me to stop thinking so much about it and when you in a relationship everything changes and i didn’t like that comment ,i just want her to want me more like i do..(just dnt wanna get over her and give up because i love her )

October 7, 2013 at 5:07 am
(15) Anna says:

We’ve been together 24 years. For the last ten years or so, she has had no interest in sex. Every once in a while (varies between a few weeks to a couple of years) she will give me some sexual attention, but no reciprocity. She says she just doesn’t feel that way at all anymore – doesn’t even masturbate. I know in my head that it’s not me, but in my heart I feel so undesirable. I imagine this is how straight women feel when their husbands are impotent.

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