Partner Abuse in the LGBT Community

Kathy, Thanks for an interesting and important article. I was in a 5 month relationship that had the potential to be abusive. She was a very loving, caring and generous woman. Slowly she became very controlling when she did not get her way; sometimes over small matters, there was a temper tantrum. She also started to accuse me of flirting with everyone-including men! If you knew me its just not my personality.So I began to see the signs of a controlling person. But brushed it aside believing everyone has their flaws. Then one evening I had to leave her home earlier than planned-she physically tried to stop me. Pushed me on the couch and told me to take my clothes off and go to bed! We struggled for a few minutes. I was very upset and frightened.
I managed to leave but without my briefcase. I called her and told her to leave it on the porch. When she refused I threatened to call the police-something I did not want to do since I was still in the closet. She brought it to my car and tried to get in, But I would not let her.Never thought that at 45 yers old I would be so afraid of another woman.I never saw her again but we did speak on the phone. She initially denied the incident saying”I never hit you” (She tore my jacket off me, held my wrists and pushed me down on the couch. Months before she told me her father had physically & emotionally abused her as a child. I advised her to get help and never saw her again.
Sometimes I wondered how bad it would have gotten if I did not escape that night.
It told me quite awhile to get over that incident. For the first time in my life I could see the conflicted feelings an abused woman feels. Previously I was intolerant of woman who went back to their abuser. I did not, but struggled with many emotions. Thanks for reading this long story. D

I just had my first physical fight with my girlfriend of 5 months, my guard is up now because she shoved me while I was holding my toddler in my arms, she refused to let me leave the house after we’d had an argument. Later that night, I tried to leave again, she hit me, it happened so fast, before I knew anything, I was kneeling on the porch. She had become so controlling, and I was caught up thinking it was cute or she was really loving me, until I started missing my friends and the things I used to do but didn’t do anymore, because I was trying to build a relationship with her. She is unemployed and admits that plays a major factor in her wanting to spend so time with me. Please note that my network is 3x’s bigger than her, I am a community networking type person and she is ok with the small group of people she connects with regularly, so be it. But I care about her, not sure if I love her the way a person deserves to be loved at this point, I hate her insecurities, jealousies, and controlling ways or her need to be dominant. Yet, I often tell myself, if given the right set of circumstances, we would be good together. Insane.

I’m sitting here reading these stories and unfortunately, I also WAS a victim of abuse. (I am the more Butch side of the dynamic, a former body builder AND quite strong) My EX girlfriend constantly kicked me, slapped me, punched me…verbally abused me and I was always hurt trying to ‘dodge’ her assaults. Looking back now, I can NOT believe I tolerated it. She was gorgeous, incredibly femme and so very loving…until she got mad.
I view anger this way. As far as I can reach is MY space. As far as you can reach is YOUR space. When we are angry, those two spaces shall never entwine. It keeps even the most remote possibility for abuse at bay. Even better, do NOT even raise your voice. The louder you become, the more intolerant you become, which CAN lead to uncontrolled anger.
I can NOT fathom hurting another. It is completely against our intrinsic nature and those that do cause harm are simply inviting loneliness. I choose to be kind, loving and generous. It is a Habit to be gentle. I’m proud to say, I’m known for it as well.
Walk away ladies (Men as well) from violence. INVITE peace by being peaceful.
Elise
xoxo

This kind of abuse is not new to me. I’ve had two partners who were very abusive. One drank and one didn’t. It’s sad to me because I was also with men who abused me. I can say I did leave both of them because of the abuse, I wasn’t about to get “brainwashed” again. Now it’s been a year and a half and still shell shocked about getting involved with anyone else. You know as women who would think another woman would want to put their hands on someone we are suppose to love more than life itself? I’m just glad there is help out there for all who is being abused. Love your partner and treat her heart like you would want yours to be treated.

Lesbians are so messed up. It probably comes from previous sexual abuse from men.

I always figured it was the butch that was the abuser, not the abused. I figured that based on my own experiences with abuse. I’ve been in two abusive relationships. One of the women drank and did drugs the other just had a very short temper and resolved even the most minor arguement by beating me into submission. I am femme, petite, and not very strong. The women I dated were butch, tall, and had a good deal of upper body strength. So on the rare occassions I’d try to fight back all I would accomplish was causing them to beat me even harder. I can’t really understand why someone who was physically stronger than their abuser would let them abuse them.

i am butch, an i would never hurt my partner in that way… i am not abusive, nor do i like abusive people.
i have been in abusive relationships before and they are not fun or healthy. i love you hon, never abuse you…