How to Ask a Co-Worker Out When You're Not Out Yourself

I know your situation , dear “living in a closet”, and I wish I would had had Kathy’s advice some years ago.

We had a very nice romance, nobody knew about us. She was married this time but not glad. So we both rushed into this situation. Before this we were friends, after this it was so hard at work; nowadays we’re “normal” to each other, nearly friends again and tell us private things. Just four sentences about eight years. At the time I fell in love with her I also was in the closet to my parents, only my best friends knew it. I always wanted to have my love by myside when I tell my parents.

Today I can tell you: wasted time! You are their child; they love you and respect your orientation or not. No matter what, it’s your life and you can enjoy it, no matter if you were lesbian or not. I always had boyfriends but I missed something in these relationships, then I met a girl and had a problem. Am I lesbian?????? It took some time ….. and yes I am . For me it was the best to come out first to my room-mate in university, I told her after finishing the study; she said simply ok and is still a very good friend of mine.

It made me feeling more free to know there are people who know about it and they accept me just as I am; I got back my smile and found the love of my life after some “cruising” I told you above.

Take your heart in your hands, find a situation to talk to her.

I wish you all the best !

I kind of consider myself a bit spineless too. I have yet to ask a woman out on a date. Even if I know she’s gay and I’ve been out for several years now.

It’s not a good idea to get involved with a co-worker. Especially if they work in the same department with you.

I know your situation ,“living in a closet” i have gf for 3yrs now , we are pasionate and intimate with each other ,we do everything together and spend alot of time together , but we both in the closet and i don’t think either of us will come out of the closet in this century , simply couse am frm a community were there are no gays or lesbian , if u hapen to be known to be one of thm u either killed or banish from the entire community ,ur family wil be the first enemy and if they ever discover we are doing it world war 3 all over again , sometimes i wish i could kis he in public , we sneak to gay club and be out in one night among lesbian in the club , this is painful realy painful

Maybe you could get some “outside assistance” so to speak at a local gay and lesbian center, they often have Lesbian chat groups and in that group you can talk freely about your crush and get some outside advise from other gay/bi women. This is a group that values confidentiality, and no one can “out” you at work. Also try some counseling with a Lesbian therapist. This helped me a lot and gave me so much confidance in dealing with a lot at that time. I’d go again if they had a therapist in my city. I recommend this and I hope you will consider this option and the group as well. Good mental health is a valuable asset, as well as confidance builder. Take care and good luck.

I understand where you are coming from I have been there. I am 26 and have been with my girlfriend for 2 yrs and at 1st when I started crushing on her I was still I guess coming to terms that yes I am a lesbian and with her love and support I was able to tell my mom (which she was completely against it) it was very heartbreaking for me and I felt like how could she quit loving me and not except me for who I am. She gave me guilt trips and tried to make me question who I was. She started being not so nice to my girlfriend or I but when all was said and done she loves me and totally excepts who I am. And is finally to the point of calling my girlfriend her other daughter. We are all very close. So no matter what ups and downs you go through it makes you stronger and all works out in the end. Best of luck to you!

I can’t think of a worse thing to do than date someone at work. Not a good idea, if it doesn’t work out then you have that tension that goes along with the breakup plus trying to not run into each other. I do speak from experience and won’t do it but I have more sense now that I’m older than I did when I was young.

I thought I was the only one stuck in that boat at this age. Good to know I’m not alone. I’m turning 28, still coming to terms with my sexuality, and developed a serious crush on a coworker at my new job. Kathy’s advice on this worked beautifully for me as far as finding out how she felt. We really clicked from the time we met, so I spent some time just trying to get to know her and develop a friendship while at work. One night she asked me out to dinner, and then we started going out to dinner after work once a week, then we started seeing movies, together, texting each other, etc.

We were having a conversation one day and stumbled onto the topic of sexuality. I told her I wasn’t into men, and all she said was, “oookay….” and then we were interrupted. I thought she was freaked out, but shortly after we went out for one of our dinner “dates” and she told me she was bi.

If circumstances were different we’d probably be a happy couple by now. Unfortunately, not only is she my coworker, but she’s engaged. Even if her fiance is “cool with it”, it’s not going to be anything enduring, so pretty much not even worth pursuing. I’m so glad for her though – even if we can’t have a romantic relationship she’s still amazing and I’m thrilled to have her in my life.

Oh – I should have mentioned – I haven’t talked about my sexuality with any of my coworkers and neither has she, but from what my gal tells me there’s been talk at work about something going on between the two of us because we’re so close. I don’t know how your job is (at mine, everyone knows everyone’s business whether you want them to or not), but be prepared for people to talk. It shouldn’t make a difference – it hasn’t for me. People just like to gossip.

Hi Cassi,

I absolute agree with you, people like gossip ! At work I’m out to just two co-workers, the one I had a romance and one I heard rumors. It’s sometimes crazy that people have so much time to think about others then themselves. The co-worker I heard the rumors about us is a very fine one. I came out to her to save her, I told her that there are rumors about us and asked her how she wants to deal in future. It’s a good feeling to know such a friend, she simply said I like you, I want to work with you and I’m not interested in what the others “twitter”. So I can say it’s not always a drama to be lesbian , you can find new friends. Be careful but not afraid.