1. People & Relationships

Discuss in my forum

Kathy Belge

Married Women Coming Out as Lesbian

By July 27, 2011

Follow me on:

It's not that unusual for some women to marry men before they come out as lesbian. Many women date and marry men before eventually coming out, but that doesn't mean that they don't struggle with their identity, the process of coming out, or how to tell their husbands, families and children. Going through the coming out process is hard. But there is a great life waiting on the other side. Today we have a new story from Krysta, who shares what it was like for her to struggle with her sexuality, eventually come out to her husband and parents and to get involved with the love of her life.

Lesbians Coming Out to Their Husbands:

Wendy ended her relationship with her husband for reasons not related to her sexual orientation, but after the divorce, she knew she wanted to date women.

Dana knew she was a lesbian, but got married anyway. She was hoping she could change. She couldn't.

Wen is lucky. Her ex-husband accepts her being a lesbian.

Kim is a lesbian, but both she and her female partner are still married to their husbands. They have an unconventional relationship.

Are you a lesbian in a relationship with a man? Thinking of coming out to your husband or boyfriend? Here's how.

Getty Images

July 28, 2011 at 11:23 am
(1) bonnie says:

I finally came out after a 20 yr marriage and 2 beautiful children….finally! And am in a loving relationship with my partner. Divorce is tough and this has been quite a transition for my boys. To ne happy, to be more comfortable in my skin and to have found such a beautiful relationship….it is worth it

July 28, 2011 at 11:57 am
(2) KK says:

Back in the 1960′s, the only way to have children (& still be a part of society) was marriage. I had 3 children in a 10 year marriage. Never did tell my husband but the kids knew I was Lesbian.

July 28, 2011 at 12:00 pm
(3) Kalinda says:

I was married twice had 3 children but always knew I was into women. I am now with a beautiful partner and happy

July 28, 2011 at 1:24 pm
(4) Willy says:

I’ve been married twice and have two kids…a child from each marriage. I loved my husbands but was never in love with them. I know that now. There was something missing but I didn’t know what at the time. Both marriages were bad anyway. I came out two years ago. Both of my husbands found out from other people not me. Oh well. This September I will be with my partner for two years. I’ve never been so happy and free in my whole life. She is really my first true love!!

July 28, 2011 at 3:19 pm
(5) Ann says:

I knew in fourth grade that I like girls. I had no idea what that meant. I grew up dating, but not really trusting of men. I was a virgin when I met my now, ex-husband. I was 28. I had crushes on women, but was afraid to be me.
I have two wonderful children, that accept me for me. I’m still the same mom that I was when I was with their father. I came out to my husband after my mother passed away. I was 40. That was 11 yrs. ago. My children are now 18 and almost 20. I’ve been with my partner for seven years. She has a son, as well. He’s almost 20.
My family knew, my friends knew, I thought I was hiding who I am, pretty well. I guess not.
My ex-husband and his g/f, my partner and I all get together from time to time (we live in different states) to have dinner, celebrate something for the kids, etc. My kids grew up knowing that their parents love them. Bottom line.
People ask me how my ex-husband and I can get along so well. I explain to them…we had children to raise. The reason for our divorce had nothing to do with our kids, I came out. He went back to an old flame and everyone has lived happily ever after.
I love my partner, beyond words. She’s an amazing woman. My family has said….”if you and “B” ever divorce, we’re keeping “B”. ROFL She’s loved by everyone….it’s a great life.
I’m so happy to be me. I never have to hide who I am, again. My kids tell friends that their mom is a lesbian, no one seems to care. We’re good people! :o )

July 28, 2011 at 8:05 pm
(6) Ann says:

I am a married lesbian. I questioned my sexual orientation before I married, even had a girlfriend. But I did end up married and pushing a lot of feelings away for a long time. The past 4 or 5 years have been hard – I am more in touch with my feelings and clarity that I am a lesbian. I don’t know how my life will turn out, but I appreciate this website. Thank you, Kathy, for posting on this topic! Also, there is a website for married lesbians called “Ask Joanne”. The owner of the website is also the author of a book about married lesbians called “Living Two Lives”.

July 29, 2011 at 10:41 am
(7) nitanleath5454@aol.com says:

My 37 year old daughter came out right after Christmas. She is almost 38, her lover is 25. My grandaughters are 10 and 13. I am very concerned this girl who has been out for many years to everyone but her parents might be more interested in my grandaughters than my daughter. The lover is not a registered pedophile. My daughter signed away everything. She has not worked in 14 years and cannot find a job. She will not sign up for welfare, food stamps or medicaid. My husband has been taking money out of his 401K and for counseling a old used van so we could carry the grandkids, father and ourselves, counseling, my hospital bill because I had a nervouse breakdown, we have spent more than $20,000. So do all of you think this has been great is just plain stupid. My brother was gay and he told us as he was dying that being gay was his choice and a very bad one. Please tell me how I can continue to support my daughter’s family as this is totally against my religion and use to be against hers.

July 29, 2011 at 11:08 am
(8) Hoopsy says:

I’m not sure if I am reading this right….are you saying your daughters partner would like to be with your granddaughters sexually??? Though I don’t know your daughters partner in my opinion a lesbian is not just sexual! It is mental, physical, a partnership and the support of two people that love one another!

And if your daughter has relinquished her rights to her children then that I would have concerns about! Yet I don’t think that has anything to do with her partner that has to do with your daughter! As a mom myself and in a wonderful relationshi with a woman I don’t understand ever giving any right to my children!!!

I wish you the best and I pray that you situation turns out to be a rewarding and happy experience!

July 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm
(9) Monica says:

I am a 44 yr old single mother of 4 kids. My ex, father of my two girls, and I broke up due to his drug problem. I met a lesbian woman, and we immediately fell in love. I have never been so happy, deliciously satisfied in my relationships in all my life. None of my former heterosexual relationships have worked. I simply CANNOT be a partner to a male. I have always known this…but never realized why till now.

Looking back on childhood and youth….I was always attracted to certain girls. And, my strongest relationships have always been with women, never with men. I have had a few “crushes” with females who were my friends, although I didn’t realize the attachment I had with them was due to something more than friends.

I have NEVER trusted males. Is that a clue that I have always been a lesbian?
I have NEVER wanted to commit to a male either. Its as if I just couldn’t “stoop” that low.

But I wanted children, and have them. :)

So I did, in a way, come out to my ex, who is a male. He has a drug problem, and that was the cause of the end of our failed relationship…..part of it. I had also met someone, who changed my life forever. And I wanted to be free to love her.

I am interested to know why I have been a lesbian all my life, but never noticed all the clues. I have gone through “curiosity” before, wanted to have relations with women, but never had the oppty.

How does this happen that we don’t always recognize the clues within ourselves?

July 31, 2011 at 10:06 am
(10) anne says:

I had a fling with a woman but had to hide it because I was in the Air Force. I later married so no one would know because back then I would have been dishonorably discharged. I had two beautiful daughters but was very unhappy and eventually I got a divorce. My oldest daughter was very accepting but my youngest took a little longer. She is very accepting now. I found the love of my life eight years ago and her and I have been married 2 years now. My oldest daughter told her dad and he said he figured I was a lesbian but never said anything. I never came out until my parents passed away because they had made the comment that homosexuals should be killed. This from a man who sexually molested his daughters. I am happy and that is all anyone can ask for and everyone deserves.

July 31, 2011 at 6:23 pm
(11) Katy says:

I am fifity… came out after 30 years of marriage. I am so much happier, and I feel more authentic. Yes, trading away a life of security way hard, I walked away from everything.

However, the hardest thing was falling in love with an amazing woman, and having her question my sexual identity… ” you were married for 30 years, are you sure you are a lesbian?” was a common theme for the year we were together. I was sure then, I am sure now.

So, I would ask those of you who are long term lesbians, give those those of us, who for whatever reason, took longer to bloom… Let us show our blossoms to the sun as well. We took a different path, but (with profound gratitude) it took us to the same place.

I am now dating an amazing wonderful woman, who loves me… and my gratitude for her and the ability to be myself knows no bounds.

February 23, 2013 at 5:36 pm
(12) Charlotte says:


Leave a Comment

Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>
  1. About.com
  2. People & Relationships
  3. Lesbian Life

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.