When a partner comes out as transsexual or transgender, the impact on a relationship can be devastating. Many, if not most relationships, do not survive. When a person comes out as trans, much like coming out as gay or lesbian, a huge personal transformation takes place. What few people recognize is that their partners also go through a transformation.
Dr. Adrienne Wolmark, of Portland, Oregon, a therapist specializing in gender issues, says partners often get lost in the shuffle. She says it’s important for partners to become educated about the process and to get support.
You may question your own identity
When you are dating someone who comes out as transgender or transsexual, you will be forced to look at your own identity. It may mean redefining your own sexual orientation. If you have identified as lesbian and your partner comes out as male, does this mean you are now straight? Or if you are a woman with a male-to-female partner, does this now mean you are a lesbian? Each person will deal with this transition in her own way.
For someone who has lived a pretty traditional life in the context of a heterosexual marriage, this can be especially jarring. Reid Vanderburgh, MA, Psychotherapist, says that people who are flexible by nature are more likely to accept transition. Those who have a rigid world-view are likely to have a harder time with it. The story of B and D is one example.
B identified pretty strongly as a dyke. She was involved in Lesbian Avengers and was a part of lesbian sports teams when she met D. When B fell in love with D, she thought D was a woman. Not long after they started dating, D told B that he was a transsexual man. Letting go of that dyke identity was pretty hard. “I was in love with the culture,” she says. “The bond I saw between women is what I wanted. I also loved the camaraderie, the support, the family.” Although she and D both identify as queer, she knows that they are perceived as a straight couple by strangers. “I live what appears to be a heterosexual life,” she states. “I lost that little bit of thrill of walking into a restaurant and being an lesbian couple.”
