B. had previously dated men, before she came out as a lesbian. She liked the way she related to women. As a feminist, B. was afraid that her relationship with D. would end up like some of her previous relationships with men. “In the past I would get into a relationship with a guy and I would change,” she remembers. “I would turn into someone they wanted me to be. I would not like who I was. I was afraid that was going to happen again with D. because he was becoming a man.” But, she says that has not happened and she even credits herself with turning D. into a feminist.
Stressors
The expenses related to surgery can be really challenging for some couples. Most insurance policies do not cover the cost of sex-reassignment surgery or hormones. The trans partner may feel that the hormones and surgery are an absolute life or death issue, but for a lot of partners that might be hard to understand. They might be thinking about all of the other things they could buy with that money.
Partners also need support around being with someone who is going to have a lot of medical procedures. Their trans lover will need time to recover and sometimes complications arise. Not everyone can afford to take time off of work. This is one instance when having outside support is crucial. Having friends or family members who support both of you is important.
Some couples who live in the country, decide that the only safe way to transition is to move to an urban area. This can mean leaving behind friends and family and perhaps a beloved occupation. This can cause a lot of stress on a relationship, especially if the non-transitioning partner does not want to move.
Another stressor is the process itself. Vanderburgh says, “Transition is a necessarily self-centered process. It’s like recovering from addiction. You have to put yourself first if you’re going to do it right. And that’s really challenging for the relationship.”
