by Wen
When it comes to coming out to a spouse, I believe in the proverbial "honesty is the best policy" approach. Although, admittedly, my coming out story may be a bit unconventional. While my husband (the only man I have or ever will be intimate with) and I were dating twenty-two years ago, I confessed to being bi. At the time, I had recently been subjected to therapy whereby my family tried to "fix my problem," so I only admitted to being bi in hopes that it would be more acceptable to anyone I dated.
I realize I am a Lesbian
My spouse and I established and have maintained a strong two-way line of communication. Over time and during sometimes painful periods of self-discovery, I realized that I am lesbian. And after about seven years of attempting to lead the straight life expected of me, I decided to begin dating women. And as with any decision, I told my husband what I had planned to do. Being the unusually understanding man that he is, he voiced his concerns for my safety but did not try to dissuade me from my quest for answers. And unlike many husbands, he never interfered with or asked to join in any of my relationships.
I come out to my husband
Eighteen years of marriage later and after realizing that I was/am lesbian, I had a candid yet difficult discussion with him. I explained that although I loved him and cared for him, I was not in love with him or attracted to him sexually. I discussed how being with a woman felt right for me, as well as, how I needed to stop existing as a faux straight woman and start living as a fabulously gay woman. Our honest conversation that day was sometimes gutwrenchingly painful and surprisingly wonderful.
Afterwards, we agreed that we each deserved to work toward moving on and seeking out our own happiness separately. I have been living an openly gay life for a little over two years now and at 38, I will soon have my B.S., in sociology... which he graciously paid for... And our divorce will soon be final, but our lives will just be beginning.
My Husband Accepts Me
Of course my husband may be one in a hundred or maybe one in a thousand. I am painfully aware that many married lesbians will fear being mistreated, belittled, or even abused by their husbands. Some men will refuse to understand or accept their wives' lesbianism... And to those women who know how their husbands can be, I say full disclosure is not always a good or necessary thing. Every woman has to be true to herself and do whatever it takes to secure her place and happiness in this world. If a married and newly coming out lesbian does not feel safe coming out to her husband, then I advise her to save herself from harm by contacting a GLBT-friendly therapist to help her devise and follow a plan of action toward the goal of divorce and freedom to be her true self.
--Wen, Florence, S.C.
