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Coming Out and Need Advice

I'm Attracted to a Much Younger Woman

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Updated December 27, 2012
Dear Lesbian Life:
I am stuck in the middle of my life seems like. I am a single mother of two.
I am 27 and work at a college.

I have been harboring an attraction to girl that is at best 19. I realized that I had an attraction to girls at a young age. I have only shared my feelings about that to very few of my friends. Most of my friends have no idea. The town I live in is highly prejudiced about same sex relations. So I really haven't made any effort to move on my attractions. I don't want the judgmental idiots badgering my kids or myself at this point.

But back to this girl. I have a feeling she may also be interested. I won’t see her for the holiday break at school, but I made sure to exchange Facebook info with her and a few of her friends so I wasn't being too obvious about it. What is the next step so I don't look like a complete dumb a$$, and then still have to see her everyday?

Dear Stuck:

You’ve got a lot going on here, so let’s see what we can do to help.

Coming out to yourself is a good first step, now it’s time to come out to other important people in your life. Here are some suggestions about ways to come out to your friends and family. Start off with people that you know will be accepting. Do you know other gay people at work? They can be good ones to come out to. Even those who live in small towns and places that they think are homophobic you can find and meet other lesbians and gay-friendly people. The internet is a great place to start. Check out meet up groups or google your town name and “gay lesbian” and see what resources come up. You might be surprised at what you find. Especially in a college town.

Figuring out where and how to meet other lesbians can be one of the biggest challenges of coming out. You don’t say if you know the young woman you’re attracted to is a lesbian or not. That might be the first thing you need to figure out. Can you tell from her Facebook page? Does it say there if she is single? Social media sites like Facebook can be a good way to learn about someone before you really get to know them. I would caution you though from spending too much time on her Facebook page. Even though there is a lot you can learn about someone from their online profiles, I think it’s best to get to know someone in real time.

You have a lot more to figure out than if this girl is a lesbian and if she’s interested in you. First of all, there is quite an age difference and the fact that you’re a mom means that you’ll have to approach dating from a whole different perspective.

Even though you’re pretty sure you’re attracted to women, you’re not quite out yet. Getting support around coming out is always a great idea and the Lesbian Life Forum is one way to do that.

As for this one particular girl, here’s what I suggest. You don’t mention if the object of your attraction is a student or not, but if she is, I would proceed with extreme caution. There might be serious implications for you if you date someone who is a student. Plus a 19-year old college student is probably going to want different things and have different priorities than a 27-year-old mom. I guess it depends on what you’re looking for. If you just want to have a bit of fun with someone and get to know other lesbians, this could be a good place to start. But if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship and someone to be a partner and possible co-parent to your children, you’ll probably want to keep looking for someone more mature.

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