My first crush on a girl was a surprise, because she was so butch even at 12 that I thought she was a boy (so did a few of my friends, too). But when I found out she was in fact a girl, I liked her even more. I was infatuated with her baggy clothes, long unstyled hair, and her skater style. When, in a drama class, I had to hold her hand, I almost couldn't breathe.
At the same time, I had little crushes on boys too. I tended to like the boys with the more "feminine" look - they had long hair, pretty eyes, pretty red lips. I can't say I didn't notice my tendency toward the feminine. But I thought I was bisexual. This continued through college, where I had crushes on girls but dated "feminine" boys, even gay boys. It made it easy, a happy medium, I told myself. I was deeply conflicted, pretty religious myself and believed strongly that being gay was a sin, so I avoided girls I liked, dated guys I could stand to kiss, and tried in every way to ignore my feelings.
When I was 24, I was intensely involved with a guy who I would describe as "pretty." We were "in love" and talked openly about marriage. He knew I was attracted to girls, but that I'd never acted on my feelings. We were living together and even though my family didn't love him, he was acceptable to them as a potential husband for me.
I Fell for a Woman at Work
Then, unexpectedly, I fell in love with a girl at my job. Now, I'd always had crushes on girls, thought they were pretty and got nervous around them, but since I knew I forbade myself to ever act on them, I tended to crush my own crushes before they got out of hand and uncontrollable. But this one was different. This girl made me want her like I'd never wanted anyone before. I found myself having fantasies about her, dreaming about kissing her and even eager to taste her! I guess my crushes before her were pretty chaste - the most I'd thought about was holding another girl's hand or spooning in bed, never actual sex.I felt as if I was mentally cheating on my boyfriend, so I told him about the girl from work. It wasn't shocking to me when he said "That's hot." I expected him to be turned on by my crush and the intense feelings, but I also expected jealousy, anger, possibly even a breakup. But he told me he thought I should go for it. What? Well, since I worked with this girl I didn't think it appropriate to actually try for her, even though I knew she flirted with me a bit, she was either straight or closeted, I didn't know which. We did go on "a date" once - but even after she said I'd picked a "romantic" restaurant, she started talking about men. So I decided this, rightly, should not go anywhere. But I was too into this girl to not try to find another I could experiment with.
Even though I knew I liked girls, possibly even loved them, I'd never allowed myself to have any lesbian friends. So my whole life I was the sole queer among my friends (or so I thought at the time). I persuaded my boyfriend to let me go to lesbian clubs to meet girls, under the guise of friendship. He said it was cool with him, as long as I told him about any experiences I had. Secretly I was infuriated at that request - this was my life, my sensuality! How dare he! But I knew there would be a catch.
First Visit to a Lesbian Bar
From the first day in a lesbian bar, I was more nervous than I'd ever been in my life. Here were all these hot butch girls, these beautiful femmes, these lesbians who were out and confident and loved women. I am really femme, so I was "mistaken" for straight all the time. Girls barely talked to me, never danced with me. I thought, well if girls aren't attracted to me, maybe I'm not really gay.Then, while out one night, I saw a girl that was so clearly the image of perfection to me, that I knew I had to get to know her. I saw her from across the room. A friend of mine who was with me approached her friend, and the four of us got talking. She was everything I wanted in a girl - smart, pretty but butch-looking, confident as all hell. Her eyes just drew me. I was so nervous I gulped my beer (and I don't like beer!) hoping it would infuse me with some "balls." Soon I was talking to just her, and she was inviting me to a house party at her place the next night. I was thrilled! (keep reading)
