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Cynthia Falls for a Woman

A Coming Out Story

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I went to the party with a straight girl I knew, but she left relatively early and I stayed the night with the girl from the bar. We didn't have sex, or even kiss, but we slept together holding hands in her bed. This was it! I told myself. This was paradise!

My First Lesbian Kiss

After a lazy morning taking our time getting up, talking in bed and still holding hands, I pushed myself to ask to see her again. To my surprise, this ultra-cool girl did want to see me again. A week later, at the same bar, we had our first kiss. It was hot as all hell. She knew I wasn't going to make the move, so she pushed me up against a door and kissed me so passionately that my heart did literally skip a beat. In all my years of kissing boys, I'd never gotten so lost in a kiss before. I really didn't know how long it was, where we were, or anything during that kiss except the feeling of her soft lips against mine, her tongue, and how sweet she smelled.

We went to her place. We took a cab and together in the back seat, we made out like mad. I didn't know my hands were so autonomous! Suffice it to say, things came naturally.

My First Lesbian Sex

Back again at her place, we had sex for the first time. I was nervous. I mean, I'd only just had my first kiss with a girl, and now we were "doing it." I was shy with my hands, and she was gentle but forward. I needed her to take control like that, and I can honestly say that first time was perfect. Lying in her bed afterwards, I couldn't sleep I was so elated. She had huge windows above the bed. It felt like we were in a cabin sleeping under the stars, not in a Brooklyn apartment.

Dealing with my Boyfriend

Then, the boyfriend. I went home the next day. I hadn't told him where I'd been, but he knew. This was the hard part. For about a month, I met this girl and did not tell my boyfriend a damn thing. I was still living with him, but we were clearly not the same. He still wanted marriage, but I was beginning to feel boxed in. I was sleeping with this girl, but I knew I wasn't in love to the point of marriage. All the same, I wanted to keep discovering. I knew that even if the first girl I dated wasn't "the one," that I really felt more alive than I'd ever felt in a relationship with a man. But there was my family. There was coming out. There was defining myself. There was God. And there were girls.

I went through a period of intense self-doubt and confusion. Was it just lust? Did I really love women, I mean "pure love"? Could I be happy with a guy forever, to please my family? Would it really be easier to be with men, or just easier for other people to accept?

My boyfriend was getting angry, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was having fun staying out all night with my girlfriend (for all intents and purposes). And she knew I had a boyfriend. That, she'd known since the very first time we met. She knew I was living with him. But she wanted me. And she knew I didn't want him.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. He said that he was starting to feel like he was my parent keeping me away from my girlfriend. I was disrespecting him. At the time, I felt pretty angry at him for not giving me longer to come to my own conclusion, but now I see that I was hurting him terribly. I was his first love, too. I was his first heartbreak.

Coming Out to My Family

Coming out to my parents was tough. My mom said I wouldn't "get to heaven that way." My dad wondered if he'd done something wrong to "make me not like men." Over time, they've gotten better about it. They even met my current girlfriend and we stayed at their house several times. My brother was accepting right away, and that made it easier to face everyone else. My friends, who knew I was "bi" for a long time, said they all are so happy I'm being who I really am.

I can honestly say that loving a woman is the best experience of my life. I feel so alive, and so fully human. There is no more comfortable feeling than sharing your life with another lady, and sharing all of the intimacy that God gave humans with a "sister" - so to speak. If you're questioning whether you're gay, it's often a difficult time in your life. But that difficulty will give way to certainty, truth, honor and a whole new world, whether you're straight, gay, bi, trans, etc. It's good to explore yourself to know yourself truly. In life, like a seed grows into a tree, repression of your nature isn't really an option.

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