When I was younger, I was always a huge tomboy. I was never with all the other little girls my age, playing house or planning out my "dream wedding". If you saw me, I was outside playing football in the mud, or riding bikes with all the little boys my age. Seeing me take part in this made everyone think it was a phase; they thought I would grow into the make up and dressing in tight little clothes. Even now at the age of seventeen, I’m still just "one of the guys". I never was attracted to guys, but I will admit I had a few little experimental boyfriends, but none of them worked for me as a physical relationship. I always saw myself better off as friends with them.
Eventually, I started thinking, what is wrong with me? Why am I so different from all the other girls? Why do I dress like this? Always afraid of what my family and friends would think, I could never talk to anyone about it. Eventually my secret caught up with me. In junior high I was called a lesbo, queer, dyke, or my favorite, C.W.D, also known as"chick with a dick". I didn’t know what to do and I wanted people to think I was just like all the other girls my age. Every once in a while I would catch my self dressing "girlie", but it just wasn't me. I thought maybe it would help if I just shrugged it off, but honestly deep down inside, I really did care.
Junior high fades away and now high school approaches. I thought going into high school would let me avoid the people who constantly talked and spread rumors about me. So, I walk into my first high school class and I hear, "Wutsup Chelsea, find you any good dykes this summer?" My heart stopped but all I could do was ignore it. I stop and debate with myself. Can I tell my friends about the thoughts that I have had going through my mind all summer? Can I tell them about all the tears I’ve cried trying to find myself? Then I thought I might have found my answer; I can’t.
Small Texas Town LesbianI came from a close minded little Texas town in the middle of nowhere. Growing up, I was always taught that being gay was wrong. That anyone who was like that that was going to hell. I never really got taught even the basics of understanding homosexuality, so I kept my mouth shut. The beginning of my high school career had become a living hell in itself. I couldn’t make friends because everyone always seemed to be talking about me. I was paranoid, depressed and worst of all, I was scared.
Soon after I recognized my enjoyment of writing, I wrote everything down. Thoughts, ideas, things I would hear people say, just random things. It seemed to clear my mind, but I knew something was too good to be true. One day during my freshman year a bunch of seniors had thought it would be cool to take my notebook; my journal; my life. They all wrote all over it, writing little comments and pasting the word "dyke" all over my poems. My only feeling was that I wanted to die. I could just imagine crawling into my corner and never coming out of it again . Then, of course, all the names came back. I did all I could to cover it up. I dated a few guys, I went and hung out with more guys, but then they started trying stuff with me and as much as I wanted to hide it, I didn't see how letting someone take advantage of me was worth it.
Chelsea Comes out to Her Best FriendI eventually came out to my best friend. I was scared to death but I had to tell someone about these thoughts i was having. Sooner or later it all started falling into place. I knew it was how I was meant to be. It all seemed so clear; I was attracted to women. I had always been attracted to them, but now I could say it without all of my insecurities. As soon as I came to be with who I was, I met someone online and we proceeded to date.
Not to long after this turn of events I met a someone who went by an FTM at the time. I had not known what an FTM was and had no clue about homosexuality. He seemed to talk me through it all and I soon became his little "mini me". Now that I think back, I do not see how I would have gotten through any of this with out him. We have never met and I owe my world to him. I had found out all of this new information and became so fascinated by stories and gay rights. I realized there was a whole other world out there that I was so secluded to. I slowly decided to come out to close friends, and one decided to stab me in the back and tell everyone.