I think I should start from the beginning. It has taken me 11 years to come out and I am not fully out yet. Well… there is the part that’s its illegal to be gay in Kenya but that’s beside the point. The truth is that I didn’t want to be gay and I worked really hard not to be. I remember when I was 14-15 years and my friends in school were teaching themselves how to kiss so they experimented with each other before they can actually kiss a boy, I knew even back then that something was off with me and I did not indulge “experimenting”.
When I joined high school, I first went to all girl high schools and the most I ever did was kiss girls on the cheek. I went as far as getting a boyfriend and we dated for a few years, but it was a perfect long distance relationship. (He gets to claim he has a hot girlfriend and I had bragging rights of having a loving long distant boyfriend). Two years into high school I was moved to a mixed (boys & girls) boarding school. I was still this skinny tomboy who had no boobs and no ass but a beautiful face and that got attention from guys that I didn’t want. Then the worst happened, my body caught up with me. I went from this straight body tomboy to a curvaceous bombshell (which I hated at first) that attracted unwanted attention from the guys. Then it occurred to me that I am not really gay…it was just a phase. I went all “girly girly” and the guys loved it.
Is it a Phase?Oh how wrong I was! A phase? Absolute BS…. I went to college, dated guys who were working or married because they could afford to buy me stuff and not necessarily always there for a proper relationship, just for the sex. Which worked perfectly for me, and then I met JJ.
JJ was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and her body was absolute perfection but she was very straight and according to everyone else….so was I. As said before, I really didn’t want to be gay but JJ was seriously confusing me and she continued to do so for three years of university. When we were about to finish university, I invited a guy she really liked (who is still a close friend) and her out for drinks. We are having fun as a group in the club, when a guy sent over drinks and says it’s complements to the girl with the long hair. We both had long hair but hers was slightly longer, so I told her it must be her. She went to thank the guy for buying us four a round of drinks.
When she got back, she told me that it was actually me he wanted to talk to. I told the guy that if he didn’t talk to both of us, well he is sh*t out of luck with me.
The night was really going super because we were getting free drinks and the guy turned out to be a great guy who clicked with everyone. At the end of the night, she took me to the toilet and I told myself, “F*ck it. I will kiss her.” When I did, she kissed me back but in a way that said ”What the f*ck? I got over her that minute.
Finally, I Come OutMy last year of university I got a job and moved out of my parent’s house and started exploring this “lesbian thing” and I have been lucky. I found love with a beautiful sexy girl called Mel and I think I will always love her (Well…the chemistry was, I mean IS still HOT HOT.) She helped me decide to come out, although she is still firmly in the closet. It’s been two years since I have been out and I feel relieved I am no longer lying to myself, but I haven’t come out to my parents yet. It’s not out of fear they will reject me…no, they would never, but out of fear they will blame themselves.
I am the first born of many girls in the family and they will feel that they screwed up and feel helpless about the rest, because we are all the same in spirit, strength, freedom. I am waiting to marry one off before I tell my folks…it should be able to ease the blow.
Right now, the sheer irony is that in the gay community in Kenya, they don’t consider me gay. They think I am so straight. Really ironic considering how hard I worked not to be gay and now that I want to be, no one thinks I am. Too funny