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Distressed Dad - Repulsed by Daughter Coming out as Lesbian

Why is she doing this to us?

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We are the parents of a 15 Yrs old daughter and she has recently told us that she is gay. In a million years we would never imagined this coming. To us she was always a tomboy type, but we thought that she would grow out of it as other girls in our family do.

I don't Know how to accept my gay daughter

Now I don’t know how to accept this. She tells us that she is still a virgin and never had sex with either gender. Her only encounter was when she kissed three girls in her Junior high and two boys. She says she felt stronger feeling towards girls. Now we don’t know if this is a phase and only pray that it is.

However we feel since she’s been hanging with these group of kids her age who are a mixture of gay lesbian and straights who are very liberal and make our daughter feel like she’s a part of something. This might be a big reason why she is acting this way.

We’ve had instances where we found out that she was cutting herself when she was 14. She responded by saying this was the only way she was able to get in touch with her emotions.

There was always something different about her

About coming out, she tells us was that she was tired of having these feelings and keeping it to herself and crying herself to sleep at night. I always knew that there was something different about her because she is very reserved and likes to isolate herself, bury her head in her books and her music, but lately it’s been getting out of hand.

I found lesbian music videos in her myspace page and she had another hidden myspace page that had more of this type of content. One time she came home three hours late because she said that she was hanging out with some girl that had a crush on her. Needless to say, we still gave her what we felt was a well deserved asswooping for lying to us about where she really was.

Our daughter gets very good grades in school and her teachers can’t stop praising her enough. This is a good thing, considering all the bad things that could be happening, but as parents we feel that if she would of told us she was pregnant we would have handled that much better than this her being a Lesbian.

I don't understand it

I still can’t understand it. We’ve always given her anything that she has wanted and always let her know that we love her, but this news that she has given us changes everything. We have a younger daughter we feel might be influenced by our older daughter’s behavior. This isn’t news we can share with the rest of the family and forget about us ever being grandparents.

All of this is just killing us. I see her now and get sick just looking at her. I just wanted to strangle her. All the time money and love put into this child and never trying to put to much pressure on her and ask very little in return and now she springs this shit on us. Both me and her mother are angry as hell and feel she is being influenced by outside sources and is just trying to fit in with her friends. I don’t know how to handle this. We are ready to pull her out of her school and her after school film club activities and canceling her sweet sixteen. This is making us so sick we can’t eat sleep or even think straight.
Distressed Dad

Dear Dad

I can feel your anguish and confusion. Certainly your daughter coming out is not something you planned for or even considered. But here it is and you are forced to deal with it.

The first thing you need to understand is that this is who your daughter is. It’s not something she chose or something she is doing to hurt you or because you are not good parents. Actually, the fact that she told you should be a testament to the fact that she trusts you and feels the ability to be open with you.

Are friends influencing her?

You say she may be under the influence of friends at school. That may or may not be the case, I can’t say. But what I will say is that it is normal and healthy for teens to question their sexual orientation. The thing is, right now your daughter says she believes she is gay. Your best strategy for coping is to accept her at her word. Talk to her about what this means for her.

It is also perfectly normal for you to have a grieving process when you find out your child is gay. The life you imagined her having is probably not going to materialize. Most likely she will not grow up and marry a man. But who is to say that would have happened anyway? She may or may not have children. That is something she will have to decide later. It is normal for you to want to have grandchildren, but something that many straight children do not always provide. And many lesbian children do. But she is only 15, so let’s not stress out too much about that right now.

What troubles me the most is your repulsion to this information about your daughter. You have to remember, nothing has changed about her. She is the same girl who does well in school, enjoys films and goofs around at the dinner table. The only thing that is different is that she shared something with you that you didn’t know. I urge you to seek out the support of a group like PFLAG who can help you and your wife talk about this. It’s not healthy that you are angry with your daughter.

Don't Punish her for Being Gay

Please don’t pull her out of school or her activities. This is not something she should be punished for. This is not something you can change about her. Pretty much all the scientific community agrees that sexual orientation is something that is inborn, not something we choose. You wouldn’t punish her for having brown hair or if she were left handed would you?

Please Get Help

I urge you to talk to someone who can help you deal with your feelings about this. Many communities have free or low cost counseling, or businesses offer employee assistance programs with counselors available. Maybe there is even a counselor at her school that you can talk to. But please don’t take this out on your daughter. She has done nothing wrong.

Also, your daughter could benefit from talking to a counselor too. I hope you sought professional help when you discovered her cutting herself. Obviously she needs to learn a healthier way to deal with her emotions. Here is some more information about dealing with your daughter coming out as a lesbian.

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