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Butch on Butch Love

Why Don't Butch Women Like Me?


Dear Kathy,

I'm rather new to the lesbian community. I haven't been out for very long and I am just starting to go to GLBT youth groups, gay clubs and gay coffee shops. What I have observed through these new experiences are the dynamics of the lesbian relationship. Any relationship I observe are butch/femme and femme/femme. This information is not new to me, but I have to be honest and say that I am surprised that there are no butch/butch relationships.

Only Femmes Like Me

I have actually become very depressed because of this. I don't identify as butch only because my actions/mannerisms aren't those of the stereotypical "butch". Though I do prefer men's clothing, short hair, and no makeup.

Some femmes and bisexuals call me butch and some butches see me as one as well. Unfortunately, femmes are the only ones who are attracted to me. I like feminine women but I also really like butch women. Getting the attention of a butch woman is nearly impossible if I approach her in a flirtatious way. I am quickly brushed off.

I don't Want to Change Who I Am

I feel like I have to act like more feminine...and a few times I did and I hated it...I was so uncomfortable! However, I did get a lot of attention from butch women. I suppose I'm just "confused" when it comes to identity in the lesbian community.

I am just starting to figure out who I am and I like this person! I don't want to have to change or lie to get a date. I lived a lie long enough and I'm sick of it! My question is...to be blunt...are butch/butch relationships considered to be "wrong" or "unnatural"? Also, because I like butch women, does that automatically make me a "femme"? Do I have to start wearing skirts and makeup and grow my hair out to get a girlfriend? I'm not going to lie to myself and others but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either.

Dear Butch Lover,
Thanks for writing in. You bring up a really good question here. While I do think there is some stigma against two butch women being together, in no way do I think of it as “wrong” or “unnatural.” I would never advocate for someone to change who they are to make themselves more attractive to another person. I know you don’t identify as butch, but that is how others see you.

What's Wrong with Two Butches?

Why does the lesbian community have a bias against two butch women? I am not sure. Certainly in the gay male community it is not uncommon to see to masculine men together.

Although people may discourage you and put you down for your attraction to butches, do not despair! Certainly you are not the only non-feminine lesbian who longs for butches. I personally think other butches are hot! That’s the beauty of being a lesbian. We get to define who we are and who we are attracted to.

Go Where the Butches Are

If it’s a butch you hope to attract, then put yourself out there with the butches. Let your friends know who you are attracted to, and see if they can help in the hook-up. Hang out in the places where butches hang out. Sports teams, grrl band concerts, lesbian hiking groups, dog parks and car shows are all good places to meet butch women. But don’t let stereotypes rule your either. Many butches love to cook, garden and listen to classical music.

Bars and other pick-up places can be artificial atmospheres. It’s hard to pick anyone up in this kind of environment, unless what you’re looking for is a cheap hook-up.

Taking out a personal ad is another great way to meet someone when you have something specific you’re looking for. You can narrow down your dating pool to those who meet your criteria. Who you are looking for may not be a dime a dozen, but when you do find her, you’ll know all the more why she is so special. Good luck!

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