I have a crush on a girl at work and want see if she's interested in dating. I have no idea if she's a lesbian or not. (Also should mention that I'm not out either) I also have ZERO experience in flirting/dating/anything! I'm 28, and yeah it's getting kind of lonely.
Anyways, I've been crushing on her for three month. She's super-pretty, which of course means super-intimidating to me! She's also super-smart, which makes her even sexier to me. I dig nerds.
We had a brief conversation on the way to our cars after happy hour on Thursday. (Our team took her team out.) We do have one thing in common... turns out, she also lived in my home state for eight years and LOVES the area I'm from. Unfortunately, our conversation didn't get beyond that because it was 115 degrees out and we both wanted out of the heat and into our respective cars!
Ugh, what do I do?
Should I see if she wants to grab drinks again so we can finish our conversation or do I up the ante and see if she's interested in dinner too?
Also, I'm a little worried about people at work knowing I'm a lesbian (my workplace is gay-friendly, so I don't fear getting fired or anything). I just worry a work friend will say something on facebook and that my family will find out. They would not be happy, which is one of the reasons why I just keep my mouth shut and don't date. I have to say that it gets harder the older I get. I am very lonely a lot of the time and am in need of some companionship. I've never been with anyone and certainly never asked anyone out. I've never even kissed anyone. I just wish I could muster up the backbone!
Dear Spineless,
The issue here is not really how to ask a girl out, it's how to start living your life as if it were your own, and not your parents.Now is as good a time as any to start growing that spinal column. What better place to start than with a girl you have a crush on? Yes, ask her out. But I'll get to that later. First, let's deal with your "in the closet" situation.
It's time to take control of your life. You're an adult, almost 30 years old. You can continue to let the worry of your parent's disapproval keep you from living a fulfilled life, and end up depressed and lonely. Or you can start living life on your own terms and see what potential there is out there for you.
My parents weren't happy when they found out I was gay. Indeed, most parents aren't. But you know what? They came around, like most parents do. And even if your parents never come around, it is okay for you to be miserable, so they can be happy?
I'm not saying you need to rush and come out to your parents right now, but to not even date because they might find out on facebook is really quite extreme. What are you afraid your co-workers are going to post on your facebook page? "Good luck on that lesbian date tonight." "Wow, it was so cool seeing you kiss that chick the other night." With a little discretion you should be fine.
So, do you agree it's time to start doing things for yourself? Then it's time to ask your crush out. Since you don't know if she is gay or not, it's best to start out with something low-key.
How to Ask Out a Co-Worker
Say, "I really enjoyed talking to you the other night. Would you like to do it again sometime?" Ask her if she wants to grab lunch. It's even okay if you do it with other co-workers. What you want to do is slowly get to know her better. Since she is a co-worker, you don't want to get into any uncomfortable situations that could affect your work life. You don't need to jump in with both feet right now. Slowly try to build up a friendship and see where it leads.As you hang out and get to know each other on a more personal level, you can inquire about things like past relationships. As she opens up, here is your chance to as well. Let her know you're open to dating women. See how she reacts.
Take it easy, as I said, you don't want to get into any kind of situation that could create an unpleasant work environment. Eventually, if you're feeling the vibe, you can ask her out to do something more "date like." Like dinner, to see a show or to check out a local music festival together. But in order for this to progress, you're going to have to come out to her. Life is about taking risks. This is as good a place as any to start.
