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Jealous Girlfriend - Advice for a Jealous Girlfriend

Her Exes Keep Calling and Texting Her


Dear Kathy,
My girlfriend has exes and friends that are interested in her sexually. They text and call her constantly and she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. She tells me when they call and what they want, but I still have this uneasy feeling because I know they have different motives for just hanging around. She's open and honest with me as far as I know. But it's gotten to the point where if she and I are together and she turns her cell off, they show up at her job. She does inform me of it but to me its very disrespectful.

She's the type of person that just allows people to do what they do. She doesn't like to say no or be mean. She told me she has no backbone. And I don't want to seem mean or jealous and say well I don't want you in contact with any of these people because she calls them her friends. She says she gets along better with butches than femmes. They are all butch and so am I. She is femme. She feels as if I should be in control and she should follow my lead. But I don't want to seem unreasonable and or just jealous. I asked her if I was to say I didn't want her in contact with any of these friends and ex's would she end all contact and she said yes. I didn't tell her to do that but I would have loved to do it. Am I in the wrong?
Jealous Joan

Dear JJ

Thanks for writing in. Jealousy can be a hard thing in a relationship. It's good to get an outside perspective. Here's what I think.

I think this is an issue of respect. And it sounds to me like your girlfriend is disrespecting you. Being friends with exes is one thing, but letting those who want to sleep with you call, text and show up at your work is another. You say she has no backbone, but I think she probably has poor boundaries. She must enjoy the attention, which could be a symptom of low self-esteem. Do you really want to be with a woman who refuses to stand up for herself and expects you to tell her what to do?

Have you told her that you think it's disrespectful, how it makes you feel and why? Instead of telling her not to have contact with these women, how about you ask? Be open about how it makes you feel disrespected.

You say she feels you should be in control and take the lead. How do you feel about that? Personally, I identify as butch, but I don't think that means I should be in control in a relationship. To me that is just plain sexist.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation about this. Do you think she's testing you? Do you think she wants you to help her get these women to stop coming on to her because she doesn't know how? Or do you think she has a low self-esteem and the attention helps her feel better about herself?

Readers, what do you think? Pipe in in the comments section.

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