Dear Lesbian Life:
I'm really depressed and it's beginning to affect my relationship. My girlfriend and I are together for two years and it looks stable. I even want to propose in the future. Although there's a lot of communication between us, I find it the type of relationship where either party knows much more than they are willing to say.She used to date this other girl, who's left a massive influence on her. Even today, she does things that remind her of this other girl, like accessing her online blog on a regular basis or wearing certain t-shirts that she gave her. Although she claims having let go of the past, she's bringing parts of it into present. Now, judging by the way things go, I feel like a petty replacement.
I wish she stopped hiding things that are so obvious from me. Although I've had my faults too (They broke up because of me.)
I don't Want to Lose Her
We've been through a lot, from health issues, family quarrels, exams, graduation, coming out together and so on. I'd even die for her... I think she'd be hurt if I just started the topic or she'd think it's obsessing me (which isn't entirely untrue) so I really can't really talk to her about it. And, on top of all, there's the not-so-slight possibility that the girl she used to date will be in the same college as us starting fall. So not only there will be reminders, there will actually be the real person in flesh... I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER... I'm not even sure what kind of help I need.Dear Fearful,
I hear in your email that you really love your partner and want to make things work with her. But your insecurities may actually be the thing that drives her away.Just as you said she is not able to hide things from you, I’m guessing you’re not able to hide from her. Most likely she knows that you are jealous and suspicious of her relationship with her ex, even if you haven’t talked about it specifically.
The first thing you have to realize is that you can’t control another person’s feelings or actions. I’m not saying she IS thinking about returning to her ex, but you have to let go of the idea that you can have any control over it if she does.
Jealousy Doesn't Help
The funny thing about jealousy is that it often has the opposite affect of what we want. Being afraid you’re going to lose her, becoming insecure or possessive may actually drive her away.You’ve got to stop focusing on the fear that you may lose her. This may seem counter-intuitive, but you have to accept the fact that you partner may, in fact, leave you, either for this ex, for someone else, or for no one at all. One of the hardest things to accept is that we can’t make someone love us. All we can do is love them and show them our best selves and hope that things work out.
Instead, focus on bettering yourself and your relationship. Work on those areas of yourself that attracted your girlfriend to you in the first place. No one wants an insecure partner.
And if this girl does end up at the same college as you, the best strategy is to welcome her as a friend, for both you and your girlfriend. You may not know this, but it is very typical for lesbians to end up as best friends with their exes. They become part of our “chosen family.”
