She often gives me a hard time about hanging out with my male friends (or any friends at all for that matter). She has anger problems, and often yells at me and says mean, hurtful things. We've gone through periods where we've fought everyday. When we first started dating, she told me she wanted to marry me. She's my first real girlfriend, so being young, inexperienced and dumb, I allowed myself to be pressured into saying I did too. When I came out to my parents last summer, they were very mad at me and grounded me for about a month. At that point, my girlfriend hated my parents so much that she said if I didn't move in with her (in her parents house) when I turned 18 that she'd break up with me automatically. Obviously, I didn't want to break up with her, so I agreed.
I Love her, But it's Insane
Now, I am a junior in high school and looking towards college. She wants to either move with me when I go to college, or she wants me to come home every weekend to be with her. Not to mention, we spend 4-5 hours on the phone each day and this will not change when I go to college. It's insane! I love her so much, she's an extremely sweet girl and she's great, but she's controlling me and my life. I don't want to marry her, move in with her, or be tied down to someone back home when I go off to college.I can't tell her these things because it would absolutely devastate her. She's very immature, and would not understand that I'm too young for this, or that her and I are just not going to work out. She will feel as though I've just lied to her our entire relationship, say I'm just like "everyone else" and hate me. In the past when I've tried to break up with her, she's threatened to kill herself and bargained her way into forcing me to stay with her.
Right now, we haven't been fighting, and I'm actually really happy with her. However, all these things are ruining the relationship for me. I keep thinking about how if we don't break up before I turn 18, I'll be married. That if we don't break up before May, I won't be able to go to prom. I feel like I have to get out of this relationship soon, even though right now I don't want to. I don't know what to do.
What do I do?
Also, I don't know how to break up with her when I get enough courage to do it. How can I break up with her without her going insane? How can I break up with her in a healthy way? This is the most difficult relationship I've ever had to deal with, and I don't know what to do or how to handle it. Friends tell me to "just break up with her" but they don't realize it’s more complicated than that. I love her, and she has feelings, and I have feelings, and sometimes we're really happy. It’s so difficult, I don't know what to do. Please help…Tied Down at 17
Dear Tied Down:
Wow, you sure did let this person have a lot of control over you. You’re young and you have a lot of lessons to learn from your first love.All you need to do is not move in with her when you turn 18 and then she’ll break up with you, right? I mean, if she’s holding you to your promises, you can hold her to hers...
Seriously, it’s time to take your life back. You say you are getting along well now, but that doesn’t concern me. What concerns me more is your overall dynamic. Why are you letting this person control you the way she is?
First Love is Very Intense
You know, actually it’s quite common for lesbian first lovers to become unhealthily enmeshed with one another. The emotions are just so intense. But, I’m glad to see that you are starting to realize that intense doesn’t necessarily mean good.You’re right when you say you’ve got your whole life in front of you. There is no reason to make a life-long commitment to the first girl you ever fell in love with. If you’re having doubts now, imagine how you’ll feel ten years from now.
Someone who threatens to kill herself if you leave is someone with serious mental problems. She needs help for this, not you. What a terrible manipulative thing to say to someone that you love.
What I don’t understand is why someone would want to be with you under “obligation” or by some kind of guilt-ridden threat. Really, wouldn’t you rather someone be with you by their own free-will and choice, versus threats of self-harm or some kind of contractual obligation you made when you weren’t in your right mind?
Stand Up For Your Own Life
Here’s where you need to get a backbone and break it off with her now. It doesn’t matter that things are going okay now. You’ve admitted to me that you don’t see a future with this girl, and it’s time for you to admit it to her. She has hopes for the future and the longer you string her along, the worse it will be for her.You need the freedom to live your life as you have planned, without hours on the phone with her and weekly visits. More importantly, she needs the opportunity to learn that she can be a strong and capable woman without you in her life. Yes, it will be hard for you both. She may make all kinds of threats, but if she does, you need to let her parents or another authority figure know. You can’t be tied to someone because they promise to ruin their own life if you leave. Because if you stay, two lives will be ruined.
As for how to break up with her. Check out this article How to Break up With a Girlfriend.
Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your future. Be strong for her. Do what is right. Do it soon.
