I need some advice on what I should do with my friend. I am really attracted to her and I have never felt this way about anyone before. I told her that I liked her and she was cool with that as she is also a lesbian. However she just got out of a two year relationship and no matter how hard she tries, she cannot get over her. She is still so in love with her...
I went to a party and we were both very drunk. We kissed in front of about 225 people. The next day she was getting abused by all of her mates for doing that because they think that she should still be with her ex.
We Fight all the TimeWe fight every few days. I ask if she’s mad at me. I hate hurting her, but she won’t tell me what I have done wrong. I have told her I love her and I didn’t expect anything back. She said that it’s so hard because she really likes me but is still in love with her ex. She said that she hates being torn between us because she can't choose.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... what do I do? I love her and cry about her nearly every night because we fight so much and I hate the fact that I keep hurting her. Do I let her go and tell her that I’m moving on so she can get back with her ex or do I keep at it and fight for her?
Tangled Up and Blue
Dear TangledLet's be real here. You may be in love with this girl, but the fact is, it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I can see about five major obstacles that the two of you would have to break through in order to have a healthy relationship.
- She will have to get over her ex. Will this happen? I can't say, but right now she is playing you both, whether that is her intention or not. By telling you she likes you, but is still in love with someone else, just strings you along. Hence, you feel tortured.
- You will have to learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't end up in a fight. I have no idea what you're saying to her that hurts her and ends up in a fight. She can't seem to tell you either. For any relationship to work, there has to be good communication. Yes, this is something you can both work on, but you both have to be willing to put in the effort.
- You need to be honest. You said, "I have told her I love her and I didn’t expect anything back." But that's not true. You do want something back. You want her to get over her ex and be with you. That's not a bad thing. It's perfectly fine to want that, but you should be able to communicate that with her.
- You've got all her mates against you. Having a lesbian relationship is hard enough, but not having the support of friends makes it extra hard. No, you can't change what other people think, and a relationship can work when others disapprove, but it is another obstacle in your way.
- You cry yourself to sleep because you can't have her. This is an entirely unhealthy dynamic where she has all the power and you're left feeling powerless.
Not the Building Blocks of a Healthy RelationshipNone of these are the base of a healthy relationship. If you want things to work out with this girl, you're going to have to start over. The best way to do that is back off. Let her make the choice. Who is she going to be with? You? Her ex? Someone else? No one? Really, the ball is in her court, so you should back away. Let her know if she decides it's you, then you would be delighted, but in the meantime, you've got to move on for your own sanity.
That's my advice. Good luck and be strong.