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Rules for Lesbian Dating

Tips from Dating Coach Dr. Frankie Bashan

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Dr. Frankie Bashan is a lesbian matchmaker and dating coach. Dr. Frankie has a doctorate in psychology and she’s spent years studying and counseling lesbians on their dating and relationship dynamics. She’s witnessed the things lesbians can do to make their relationships work and things that often cause relationships to fail. Here are Dr. Frankie Bashan’s rules for lesbian dating.

1. Be Thoughtful. Take Your Time.

“We spend more time, looking for the right car to buy, looking for the right university to go to, the right house to buy, than we do looking for a partner.”

2. Date more Than One Person at a Time.

Dating more than one person at a time slows down the process. “It puts speed bumps in the process,” Dr. Frankie says, “So you’re not…you don’t have all this time to focus on this one person. Whether you want to or not, you don’t have the time because you’ve got two other people that you’re trying to see.” It also helps you to stay grounded and maintain objectivity. You want to compare and contrast, it’s healthy to be able to compare. If you are only dating one person, you may ignore red flags that come up.

3. Dating within your small social circle can be toxic.

There needs to be a bit of separation there so that you don’t have this sort of incestuous feeling where all of your personal business is out there and the boundaries are really kind of loose and weird,” says Dr. Frankie.

4. Don’t repeat negative patterns.

Dr. Frankie says we tend to be drawn to the same type of person over and over again. “We even are acknowledging that we repeat the patterns, but we’re not doing anything about it,” She says. “We tend to be drawn to the same type of person that wasn’t good to us two times ago already!”

5. End one relationship before beginning the next.

Dr. Frankie says, “You need to make sure you’re not hanging onto your last relationship, hoping that you can reconcile and work things out. Just choose. If you’re going to jump in and focus on meeting somebody then let that go, and have that be your focus. Because it’s just not fair to the people that you’re going to be interacting with and you’re not fair to yourself.”

6. No Sex Until Monogamy.

“There’s a reason for that,” Dr. Frankie says. “Just talking about chemicals, there’s a biochemical change that occurs, so if you are on your first or second or third date and there’s chemistry, and there’s excitement and you’re feeling like all you want to do is feel close to this person, that’s great. The last thing you want to do is jump into bed with them, because you’re going to trigger all these neurotransmitters you create in your brain – norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin, which give you that euphoric feeling and then oxytocin, which makes you want to spend every second with them.

So then you’ve got euphoria and merging all happening at once and then you’re already spending the whole weekend together. So then what happens is you’re on fire and then you crash and burn. That’s it. They just foreclosed any potential.” The relationship may work out, but Dr. Frankie warns, “It may work, you may make it through and actually develop a foundation, but you could have extended one of the most beautiful aspects of a relationship, which is the beginning.”

7. Get yourself physically ready for dating.

Get really good photos taken. “It should be a better photo than what they look like in real life, but it should be accurate… I would say have professional photos taken and then have friends pick out the photos.” She also recommends getting a new look. “As we get older our styles, we’re still wearing the same outfits that we would’ve worn 20 years ago. So get help from a stylist and try to update your look. Because it’s going to help fuel your self-esteem. You really want to feel confident in this process.”

8. Don't Move in Too Quickly

Women are wired to nurture, to merge. “Just because that’s our nature, doesn’t mean that’s necessarily good for us today in this day and age,” she says.

9. Get help from a dating coach.

Dr. Frankie Bashan
© Cheryl Mazak
"I would recommend working with a dating coach maybe just for a few sessions. For example, you’ve been in a relationship for 18 years; it’s been a long time. So consider working with a dating coach for a few months and allow them to help you become more confident in putting yourself out there and guiding you through that a little bit. It’ll be better to do it that way and have a good experience than trying to go at it on your own and actually really feel unsuccessful at it and really have to pick up the pieces from there."
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