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Lesbian Oscars 2006

If Only We had Academy Awards for Lesbians

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Lesbian Oscars 2006

It’s Oscar time and I couldn’t be a more ecstatic little lesbian. It’s like the Queer Super Bowl in our house. We’ve got the beer, the chips, a CD of Melissa ready to rock out during commercial breaks. Ok, we’ve got red wine and crudités, but you get my drift. My friend Kathy fantasizes about a Lesbian Oscars. Let’s dare to dream for a moment.

Best Lesbian Picture

Saving Face wins the prize. It’s a wonderful romantic comedy about finding love despite culture clash. Wil, a Chinese-American surgeon and out, yet tentative lesbian, is shocked when her widowed mother shows up pregnant at her door. Both Wil and her mother must navigate the expectations of saving face and the tension between doing what is right versus pursuing your heart and doing what is wrong.

Best Lesbian Short Film

My all time favorite short is entitled, Interviews With My Next Girlfriend. If you haven’t seen it, go find it. Run. Don’t walk. (Ok, ok. My second favorite is Getting to Know You, by Liz Lachman. The short stars the ultra cute, Elizabeth Keener. You get that warm, gushy, awww feeling after watching.) This year’s Best Lesbian Short Film goes to Blow, directed by Marie Craven. In this hilarious comedy, a young girl (and a redhead, no less) realizes that her sneezing fits are tied to her budding lesbianism. Let’s just say she no longer needs a tissue once she kisses her crush.

Best Lesbian Actress

I hate that I have such a hard time coming up with a selection for this category. Such sadness regarding our pitiful representation in the mainstream movie world. Where’s our lesbian Brokeback? Time to get writing, womyn. And be sure to call me when you get your scripts done, I’ve been working on my acting skills. (“I coulda been a contender!”) One of our best actresses is the exquisite Cynthia Nixon, who embodies elegance, poise, and sophisticated intelligence. I can’t think of a better role model for our community. She is otherworldly in Rabbit Hole, portraying a grieving mother. Her enacted silence is deafening and resounding. Rabbit Hole is currently playing at the Manhattan Theatre Club. If you’re anywhere near NYC, go see it.

Best Straight Actress Portraying a Lesbian

And the Oscar goes to? Frankly, it just doesn’t seem right to call the award an Oscar at a lesbian film fantasy event. Why don’t we call it the Dinah, after Dinah Shore. And the Dinah goes to? Idina Menzel, for her sizzling role as Maureen in Rent. Honestly, I’ve never seen pleather worn so well. Wow!

Best Lesbian Director

Big round of applause for Angela Robinson, who continues to bring the hits. She deserves a standing “O”, for her dedication to film and the lesbian community. I loved D.E.B.S. and am waiting for the sequel. No, really. I want a sequel. What happens to Amy and Lucy? Did they go to Spain? Are they still crime-fighting heroines? Happily married, with pets and kids? Tell us, tell us, now.

Best Lesbian On-Screen Kiss

Despite my passion for the D.E.B.S. duo, the onscreen chemistry between Natalie Press (Mona) and Emily Blunt (Tamsin) in My Summer of Love was quite, um, stirring. I can see why it was such an intriguing summer. How come I never had summer experiences like that? I mean, I went to all girls camp in a remote part of Maine. You would think I would have better stories to tell!

Best Out Lesbian Couple Attending the Oscars

Who could that be? Any guesses? Can we say Ellen and Portia? Calling all Hollywood dykes. Come out come out wherever you are. The millennium has passed and it’s time to represent! We need you!

Best Lesbian Fantasy Date for the Oscars

Hello, Gena Gershon! Shall we re-enact some scenes from Bound? Your limousine or mine? (Note the word fantasy.)

Ok, girls. Who are your lesbian nominees? Enjoy the Oscars!

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