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The Ten Worst Lesbian Movies

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If you read our Lesbian Life movie reviews (thank you!), then you know we love to criticize lesbian movies. We love to boo aloud at the screen and absolutely rip them apart. Why, you ask? Keep reading. I think you’ll more than understand.

10. Show Me

En route to a romantic ten-year anniversary getaway with her lover Sam, Sarah is kidnapped by tormented siblings Jenna and Jackson. Show Me depicts how Sarah uses her brilliance and cunning to escape her captors. No, really. It is as bad as it sounds. In fact, I was inspired to write a letter to the director in response. Basically, I told her: Show me a lesbian movie that does not associate lesbianism with murder, unhealthy threesomes, cutting, or sibling incest; Show me a lesbian movie that does not consist of the main character attempting to make a Paris Hilton-lite porn flick with her girlfriend; Show me a lesbian movie that does not make me cringe and say, "You have got to be kidding me!"

9. Secret Things

If you like sick and twisted semi-erotic French soft porn, Secret Things is the film for you! I, however, do not. Secret Things tells the story of young Sandrine’s “educational” journey from innocence to wisdom under the cunning tutelage of Nathalie. Nathalie wants to teach Sandrine all that she knows about life, love, and men. I also would add about power, about manipulation, and about masturbation—of self, of others, and while being watched. Note that they are “not lesbians, nor into women,” but they do enjoy playing with each other’s mind and body. Secret Things is a wild and toxic ride, definitely not for the faint hearted (nor those on a first date)(nor this lesbian movie reviewer).

8. The Girl

I loved living in NYC. I was there for 12 years. One of my absolute favorite moments was sitting in a West Village movie theater on a hot, muggy, August afternoon and howling at the screen with a packed crowd of equally disgusted and amused lesbians watching The Girl. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a movie experience quite as much. Seriously, people were throwing popcorn, this film was excruciating. We, all of us, easily could have left, but it was way too much fun to enjoy the B-movie bonding and harsh group critique.

7. Gypo

Can we say student film? There’s nothing wrong with academic endeavors. Lord knows I have way too many degrees, certificates, pieces of paper rolled up and tied with string that should validate the thousands of dollars I have spent on pursuing my self. However, there are a few things that are essential for a film to be considered worthy of watching; for example, the slightest hint of chemistry between the love interests involved; some sort of understandable, relatively believable and easy to follow story line; camera work that doesn’t distract from the picture or make the viewer want to scream or leave the theater in utter boredom. The story is told three times, through three different perspectives. Let’s just say you had me at the first.

6. Chasing Amy

Now, this was a winner. One of those films that make you go, "Hmmm" and "Ewwww." Definitely Ben Affleck’s finest, though he was spectacular in Gigli. What the heck ever happened to Joey Lauren Adams, aka Amy? Let me summarize this riveting flick: Boy meets Girl. Boy is crushed when he learns that Girl is lesbian. Boy "chases" after Girl. Girl becomes confused, wooed by the big dimple charms of Boy. Girl ends up sleeping with Boy and her “sisters” are pissed. Thankfully, we’ve come a long way, I think (?), from the lovely 90s compelling love stories and from Kevin Smith’s fine art of storytelling.

5. A Family Affair

I’m all for lesbian drama. Bring it on! I think it’s in our genes. What I can’t tolerate is annoying lesbian drama, in which lesbians behave stupidly. Like in this film. Basically, Rachel is neurotic and insecure. She’s stuck in old, destructive patterns and can’t find a clue or love. Eventually, through some humble soul searching and the help of her supportive PFLAG parents, she meets Christine, who is different from anyone she has ever dated—hint, she’s actually good for Rachel. Rachel and Christine fall in love and plan to get married. But wait! No happy endings yet! There’s the EX factor. Chaos! Tears! Confusion! Whom will Rachel choose? Uh, I’m so over it.

4. Loving Annabelle

Loving Annabelle 2
lovingannabelle.com
Ok, girls. It’s time for some new lesbian fantasies. The teacher/schoolgirl kilt thing is getting pretty old. This film had me practically yawning at the DVD cover – “One Student. One Teacher. One Secret.” Hmmm, I wonder what this film will be about? Your assignment – dare to make it new! No more forbidden love. No more lesbians rolling around in chocolate. No more lesbian triangles/rectangles/hexagonals. No more Ann Heche. Let’s get creative and wondrous and sinful and delicious and reflective about the movies we desire to make and see. Action!

3. Tick Tock Lullaby

Tick Tock 2
Wolfe
Oh, no! Not another lesbian parenting flick! What is it with lesbians and their need to breed? OK. I’ll admit I am one of those aforementioned breeders (my son is 14 months old) and I was curious about Tick Tock Lullaby, about the director’s presentation of the pregnancy adventure. How I wish I could say I was pleased and delighted, that I laughed out loud, that it was better than Cats. Instead, I found myself cringing at the screen, dismayed by the rather dark and dim view of women, of lesbians, of pregnancy and the desire to have a child. The best line of the film: “I want to scrunch your soul into my vagina and mix it around.” BWAH!

2. Mango Kiss

I know that criticizing Michelle Wolff is a sacrilege in the lesbian community, but I’m willing to take the risk. I just have to wonder if she’s feeling any regrets about starring in this fruity romantic comedy. From the tired and worn out stereotypes, to the so-not-titillating role-play, to the feeling that I was back in the 80s, I had a hard time sitting through this film. It didn’t help that my wife mocked every line. Mango Kiss? I mean, come on.

1. Robin's Hood

© Wolfe Video
Robin is a social worker in Oakland, California. She is driven by her idealism and desire to help the people in her neighborhood, including individuals driven into drugs and crime by oppression, poverty, and institutionalized racism. When Robin meets Brooklyn, a seductive and relentless charmer, who also happens to be French and a thief, she is drawn into Brooklyn’s life of crime. Robin begins to steal with her as an accomplice, hoping to give back the stolen riches to her community. To what will their affair lead? Will crime really pay? The answer? No!! The girls are beautiful and their heat is somewhat palpable. However, the story line left a lot to be desired, lacking in tremendous originality.
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