BDSM: What do I want?You might already know or you might have a hint but either way a great place to begin is with your own mind. Whether you want to play with someone or want to get to know better what you want, your fantasies are a great place from which to launch.
- Do an extended masturbation session and take your fantasies off the leash! Just let your mind run free and see where it goes. Notice what you are fantasizing about right before you come. Notice what you have judgment about.
- As you move through your everyday life, make a mental notes of things (images, sounds, interactions, anything) that turns you on. What dynamics occur repeatedly? What sensations? Do you imagine being bound? Spanking someone? Pretending to be asleep? Role plays? Wrestling?
- Try some varied porn/erotica (women focused sex shops like Good Vibrations and Babeland are good resources) and see what turns you on.
- Ask friends about their fantasies/turn ons. You might be surprised.
BDSM Desires: How do I get it?This is a great place to practice taking responsibility for your desire for BDSM, role play or rough sex. This is not stuff to beat around the bush (love that pun) about or assume you can communicate with meaningful lingering eye contact. We have to ask for it, out loud.
1) Create space to bring up your interest in BDSM with your sexual partner(s). This is not something to say over your shoulder on the way out the door, though there is a temptation to do this. That way we can play it off lightly if there is an unfavorable response. But this strategy will not serve you well, as others will not treat your desires seriously if you do not. When there is plenty of room to have an open conversation (long drive, early in the evening, after sex but long before sleep) try saying something like “I’ve been having some fantasies that are a big turn on for me, involving….(role play, spanking, etc)… and I want to know if you would be interested in exploring that with me. You could tell her a fantasy and see what aspects of it is a turn on for her.
2) Try introducing a dash of what you want into your sex play. For example, if you are a biter, try a little nibbling (don’t chomp on her without consent!) and gauge the response.
How One Couple Did ItA friend of mine (this was many years ago) was going through old childhood and teen photos with her lover. Amidst the laughter and stories they began saying things like “I wish we’d known each other then”. That soon naturally (it was a spontaneous scene, not a planned one) morphed into “Say you’re really cute, want to make out?” “When will your parents be home?” “I hope we don’t get caught”. Soon they were role playing being teenagers and able to have the kind of first time they would like to have had. It was hot, it was fun and it was healing. My friend had had a very unpleasant first time and she decided to replace it with this one. Now whenever she tells her first time story, it is this one.
BDSM Social Club
Another option for exploring these desires, with or without a partner(s), is in a BDSM social club. Most cities have one that offers educational classes, various social events and play parties. A web search under your city and BDSM will usually do it but you can check with the closest hipster leather/sex store if it does not. There are usually introductory events you can browse such as a meet and greet social event and/or classes in specific skills/dynamics. You can try different classes to find out your turns ons (who knew those knots you learned in Girl Scouts would come in SO handy?) and you can start developing your own skills. It turns out that there is a lot to know and a lot of skill required. At those events you can usually find a Play Party Etiquette class and someone who is willing to be a friendly tour guide for your first go at public play.
Listen to Your Gut
Your over all gauge is that erotic adventuring should be fun. It is ok to be nervous and a bit overwhelmed but if you are really scared (not in a good way) or triggered then it is time to stop and reevaluate. Trust your lust, it has your best interest at heart.