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Lesbian with Male Sexual Fantasies

Can I Really be a Lesbian?

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Here's a question I received from a woman who is upset about fantasies that she has about men.

I never used to masturbate very much, but I have been more in the past couple years. However, even though I'm a lesbian (been dating girls since high school) I've found myself picturing men sometimes when I'm masturbating (and sometimes when I'm having sex, too!) Not necessarily a man's face...but thinking about a penis being in me.

I hate this! I don't understand why I do this! I often find myself visualizing my girlfriend next to me having sex with a man, too!

I find myself wondering if I'm even a "true" lesbian because of these thoughts! I mean, I LOVE watching a women get off (by a man or woman...especially a woman though). I feel like I cant' talk to ANYONE about this though. Is there something wrong with me? Please help...

Here's my thoughts:

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Fantasy is just that. It's not real. Some women have fantasies about being raped. It does not mean they actually want to be raped. Your fantasies can and will change over time. If you ever read an advice column like Dan Savage, you will see that people have all kinds of freaky fantasies and as long as no one is hurt, they're all okay. Believe it or not, plenty of lesbians have male fantasies or like to watch male porn: gay and straight.

It concerns me that you get so upset at yourself for having these fantasies. They're a part of who you are. There's nothing wrong with them or with you. It's perfectly normal.

I am also wondering if you might like to experiment with penetration. Have you and your girlfriend tried strap-on sex? This might be one way to satisfy your craving for having a penis inside you without actually having to bring a man into your bed.

If at some point you decide that you really do want to sleep with a man, that is okay too. You may eventually choose to identify as bisexual, or you may remain a lesbian who occasionally sleeps with men. The world is too diverse to put into the small labels we have for ourselves. Thank you for being brave enough to write in about this.

Do you have a sex question you'd like to see answered? Email me! lesbianlife@aboutguide.com

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