My girlfriend and I have been together eight months and she is butch I'm femme. She wants to use sex toys on me and really needs to go inside me. She knows I'm scared of this and willing to wait until I'm ready, but I'm worried I will always have this phobia and think she will end the relationship at some point if I don't have sex with her in this way. Would it hurt or bleed if she goes inside me with sex toy or a finger? Why am I scared and have this phobia?
Fearful of Penetration
Dear Fearful:Fears and phobias are things that we can't always explain. It's possible you were the victim of sexual abuse at some point in your life and that is why you are afraid of penetration. But then again, people are afraid of spiders and snakes who have never been bit by one. Regardless of the reason you are afraid of penetration, it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it.
Let me first say that you should never do anything sexually that you are not ready for. I would hope that your girlfriend is not pressuring you or threatening to leave you if you don't have sex with her this way. If you give in and have penetrative sex with her only because you are afraid she is going to leave you, it could have the opposite effect and end up causing problems in your relationship.
I suggest you sit with yourself and see if this is something you want to explore for yourself. Sometimes it is healthy to face our demons. Sometimes, especially if we're not ready, the effect can be devastating.
If you do decide you want to explore penetration, the first place to start is alone, with yourself. I suggest start by getting yourself aroused in whatever way works for you. Buy yourself some lube and start to explore around your labia and vaginal opening with your fingers. Try inserting a finger inside and see how that feels. You might want to do this in a warm bathtub to relax yourself.
If you do that and you feel comfortable inserting your own finger into your vagina, you might want to do this while your partner is there. Invite her watch you and when you are ready, to gently insert a finger or two and see how that feels to you. Make sure she uses plenty of lube.
It is possible that you will bleed or that it might hurt the first time having sex with a sex toy. It is something your body might have to get used to. Sex toys come in different sizes, so you might want to start with one with a smaller diameter. Ultimately, sex should feel good.
There is something very vulnerable about opening yourself up to someone and letting them inside. Make sure you trust your partner and that she is prepared to let you run the show-directing how fast and how deep she goes if and when you decide to let her inside you.