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My Girlfriend Only Wants to Take and Doesn't Want to Give

Ask Emily


Woman in Bed
© Sebastian Schaeffer
Updated June 13, 2012
Dear Emily,

I have been dating a girl for about four months now. It’s annoying because she is such a taker when it comes to sex! It's always “me, me, me” while I have to be the giver all the time. I literally only have an orgasm with her help about once a month. She is useless in bed when it comes to pleasuring me. Every time I ask for her to be there for me, she always says she will later. Do not get me wrong, she is so sexy that I love having sex with her, but I am starting to feel used. What can I do to get her to be an equal opportunity giver?

Giving in Green Bay

Dear Giving,

Perhaps bring her almost to the point of orgasm and then get up and make yourself a sandwich?

Ugh. Takers are such a hassle. I cannot believe there are people in this world that want to feel good all the time. Yes, that is strange.

Face the facts…you're a sucker. But that's okay, there is nothing wrong with finding desire in giving, most people do. Your girlfriend, unfortunately, is not one of them right now. Stop giving for a week or so, no matter how much she asks for it. This is not negotiable and not a one-way street. I do not blame you for feeling used, but I also do not think that is her intention. Perhaps you are just too good at your job.

If the relationship is healthy, she should care about how you feel and what is bothering you or causing you to be unhappy.

It's important to keep in mind that in many relationships there is a dominant giver and dominant taker. This is simply determined by your personality and character traits, neither is better or worse for the relationship. What is important is to recognize who is who and establish some rules for crossing over to the other side often enough to satisfy. Her actions in bed are likely conducive to the way she deals in other areas of your relationship. Just something to think about. In case you were running out of things.

Emily Wilcox is a lesbian advice columnist and author of 100 Lesbians Walk Into a Bar.... Follow her at @100lesbians on Twitter

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