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Female Orgasm Problems

When You or Your Lover Cannot Come

By

Girlfriends
Marga Buschbell Steeger/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty Images

Here's a question I received from a lesbian who is having a problem with her partner's orgasm. How does she help her partner have an orgasm? And what can they do to better their sex life?

Lesbian Orgasm Problem

I'm wondering if you could give me some advice. I have been with my partner for 2 years now and we love each other very much. I am unable to give my partner an orgasm and as a result our sex life is suffering as is my confidence and self esteem. My partner has told me that she has never orgasmed before with male partners and I am the first woman she has been with. She also says she is unable to climax when she is masturbating. I'm finding this very difficult and I have never had this problem before to the best of my knowledge!

My girlfriend says that she may have had an orgasm with me but she's not sure and that doesn't instill my confidence. I love her and I want to please her and the pressure is getting to us both!

Many women experience Orgasm Problems

Thanks for writing in. First of all, you should know that your partner is not alone in her problems with orgasm or other female sexual problems. As a matter of fact, Web MD reports that, according to a recent study of women between the ages of 18-59, 43% have complaints about sexual function, including orgasm problems.

There could be many reasons for your partner's inability to have an orgasm and none of them have to do with your skill or ability as a lover.

Psychological Reasons for Orgasm Problems

There may be psychological reasons for her inability to reach an orgasm. If she is a survivor of sexual abuse (one in three women are) that could affect her ability to relax and come, even with a partner that she truly loves and trusts. Feelings of guilt, shame, fear or anxiety can all contribute to your partner's inability to reach orgasm.

Physical reasons for Orgasm Problems

There may be physical reasons your partner is unable to reach orgasm. Has she any physical problems or surgery that may be interfering with her ability to come? Is she on any kind of medication that may inhibit her ability to orgasm? Depression and the drugs used to treat depression often have side effects of lowering one's sexual desire and orgasmic response.

Masturbation Can Help

You say your lover masturbates. That is good. Some women who are not able to come with a lover are able to do so when masturbating. Has your partner ever tried a vibrator? Some women are only able to come with the assistance of a vibrator. This does not mean there is anything wrong with her, or your ability as a lover.

Since your partner has never had an orgasm, or is unsure, I would suggest that she visit her physician to discuss this. Drugs like Viagra have worked for some women. But more often women with sexual problems have a combination of physical and psychological issues affecting their sex drive and functioning. Her self esteem and feeling like she “needs to perform” may also come into play.

Sex is about Love, not Orgasm

And finally, I would like to add, there is much more to sex than orgasm. Enjoy the physical closeness and intimacy of being naked and vulnerable with each other. When sex becomes goal oriented, the sense of intimacy and connection can be lost. You partner may feel she is letting you down by not coming. Reassure her that you love her and love being with her and that all you want is to make her feel good. Sex can be enjoyable without orgasm!

I would suggest your partner see her physician to see if there is a physical issue that can be addressed. And if she has a history of sexual abuse, she should see a therapist too.

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