Restore Passion to Your Relationship - Get the Passion Back in Your Relationship

Dear Lesbian Life:

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now. In the beginning of our relationship we had the best sex ever. We were all over each other and loving it. Lately I have found that we can never get in the mood at the same time. For some reason whenever I feel the most unattractive and am not in the mood to make love, that is usually the time that my girlfriend comes on to me the strongest. Whenever I am in the mood she is not at all. It seems that our timing is always way off. How can we get it together?
Passionless Patty

Dear Patty,

First of all, rest assured that your problem is not unique. It’s hard to maintain the kind of passion you experience early in your relationship. Actually, I think it’s an evolutionary necessity. Would you be able to get any work done, maintain other relationships or make it to the gym if you were in bed all the time?

Not in the Mood

Funny isn’t it how when we first get together, our passion for each other seems endless. All she has to do is look at you with one eye and you’re ready to jump in the sack. But as our relationships progress and we become more comfortable with each other that unbridled passion subsides and we have to put more effort into “getting in the mood.”

So, how do you do that? How do you get in sync with your lover? The first thing is to know what gets you in the mood. Her idea of prepping for a night of passion might mean taking a shower and slipping into something sexy, while you might need a candle lit dinner, lots of sweet talk and perhaps a sexy movie to get you in the mood. Other people don’t get in the mood until they actually start having sex.

Many people know what they like once they’re in bed, but don’t take the time to figure out what it is that makes you want to jump in bed in the first place. We think that because passion was automatically there when we first got together, that it will remain that way through the course of our relationship. That is not the case.

You need to figure out what it takes for you get your passion groove on and then you need to communicate that to your partner. The same for her. If you want to be able to turn each other on, you’ve got to know what buttons to push.

I don’t Feel Attractive

I’m not sure what you mean by her coming on to you when you feel least attractive. Obviously she sees something she likes and that has turned her on. Delaying sex until you lose 15 pounds, get a new hair cut and some cute clothes is not reasonable.

If you want to have sex, you’ve got to have sex

The next time your lover comes on to you, try just going along with it. See if her advances don’t start to get you warmed up and excited. I always say, if you want to have more sex, you’ve got to have sex. This is not to say that you don’t have the right to turn your lover down if you’re not feeling it, but I think too often we don’t allow ourselves the little bit that it takes to push us over passion’s edge.