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Lesbians Who Want More Sex From Their Partners

What Can You Do if She's Always Turning You Down?


For the Partner With the Higher Sex Drive: What Can You Do?

You love your partner. Sometimes just looking at her, you get turned on. She is sexy and funny and smart and you can’t wait to show her how you feel by making love to her. In your mind, you make a move and she’s right there with you. You fall together and make passionate love for hours. In reality, you make a move, she tells you she’s tired or not in the mood and you feel dejected and want to crawl into a corner. It wouldn’t be so bad, except you haven’t made love in months and it’s really starting to affect your self-esteem. You think she doesn’t love you anymore, she finds you unattractive or is mad at you about something else.

Probably none of that is true. Your lover just has a lower sex drive than you. She expresses her love to you in different ways and she doesn’t quite get your need to be intimate all the time. “Isn’t cuddling enough?” she wants to know. So, what can you do? Here are some things to try:

Try to See Things Her Way

Most women who lose their sexual desire still find their partners attractive, good mates and love them very much. It’s just that they have a low libido. Every time she turns you down, she feels guilty. She doesn’t understand why she feels this way (or even if she does, she doesn’t know what to do to change it.) All she can see is that she’s making you unhappy, that you blame her for your unfulfilled needs and she wishes the whole problem would just go away!

Don’t Blame

It may be hard, but instead of blaming the problem on your wife’s lack of libido, take a look at yourself and see if there is anything you have been doing that might make her feel less than amorous. Have you been fighting a lot about other things? Is she taking on most of the burdens of the household? Is she really stressed out about something that you can help to alleviate--like trying to juggle care for her aging parents and her children while holding down two part-time jobs? Who would want to have sex with all that going on? If there is a way you can step in and help, do so.

Stop Pushing on the Same Door

You’re not having sex as often as you like. Your wife knows this. You know this. You’ve hinted at it. You’ve made moves, only to be rejected. You’re frustrated and it shows, so every time she pushes you away, you get hostile or hurt. And you continue to do the same thing over and over, even though it is not helping the situation. In order for things to change, you need to change your tactics. You’ve gotten into a negative pattern here and one of you needs to stop it. Try doing the exact opposite of what you’ve done in the past.

Try NOT initiating sex for 3-4 weeks. See what happens. Try being affectionate without it turning into a request for sex. The next time she turns you down, try saying, “Okay, I just want you to know I love you.”

Meet her Needs

Does she need a romantic dinner, candles and sexy music to get in the mood? Does watching a sexy movie turn her on? If that’s what it takes, then do it. But don’t spring it on her as a surprise and then expect sex. Let her know you’d like to plan a sexy evening and ask her what it would take to get her juices flowing.

Likewise, is there something in bed that would especially turn her on? Does she like oral sex, but you don’t like it? Does she feel unfulfilled unless there’s penetration? Make sure that you’re willing to do what she does want when the time comes to make love.

Let her Know How You Feel

Does she realize how serious the situation is? Because sex isn’t that important to her, she probably doesn’t realize what it means to you. Talk to her, but not in an accusing way. Use “I” statements, telling her that when she refuses you, you feel as if she doesn’t love you, is not attracted to you and like there’s something wrong with you.

You’re not Right, She’s Not Wrong

Stop looking at your lack of sex as a problem with her that she has to change. Instead, look at it as a problem with the relationship. This may seem like a subtle thing, but once you remove the blame from her and put it on the relationship, then it is something both of you can work to fix.

Get Intimate Without Having Sex

Agree to be intimate and not to have sex. Spend time kissing, giving her a foot or body massage, laying in each other’s arms, slow dance. Agree beforehand that you will not have sex. Then don’t. It’s very important to keep this promise to her, even if the above activities get you turned on. She needs to know that you can be intimate without it always having to lead to sex.

Does Something Need to Change?

Are there other issues in your relationship that need to be addressed? Do you put her down, belittle her, not pay attention her dreams and desires? To have good sex, your relationship has to be good too.

Define What You Want

What is it that you do want from your partner? Do you want sex once a week? For her to initiate from time to time? For her to be more affectionate outside of the bedroom? Try to be clear, don’t just say, “We never have sex. I want sex more.” Set a goal, even if you never share it with her. Like any goal, it will take time and steps to get there. If you haven’t had sex in six months, a goal of sex three times a week may not be achievable. And you’re certainly not going to get there this week. A step toward this goal might be simply to talk about the issue without fighting. Or spending the evening cuddling on the couch.

Get Professional Help

If you and your mate are at a stalemate and you can’t seem to work through this issue, then, please do see a good couples counselor. It may be the thing that saves your relationship.

Sources: The Sex Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis, University of California, Santa Barbara

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