Here's a question... I consider myself a butch lesbian. In the course of discussing this and discovering it myself several years ago, my therapist suggested I am "stone." She suggested this because I ache and long and burn to give pleasure, while finding it difficult to receive. The thought of it causes me to cringe. Not in disgust, but fear.
You see, my childhood was a very rigid, unaffectionate Southern Baptist one... cold. Touch came when one got spanked, whipped, or otherwise jerked about.
I believe that I survived my first 40 years as a "stone" heterosexual... distinguishing that I SURVIVED my life living as such. I realized that I DID, after four decades, have sexual feelings afterall. And COULD have an orgasm afterall as a great blessing. Up until then, sex (with my two ex-husbands) had been all about just being there and letting them make use of me. I survived those as I had all of the rest of my life before that, by not feeling. By "stoning" myself against all feelings.
It frightens me to think of allowing someone, a woman, to touch me in order to allow them to give... it comes down to faking it on my part. I do not FEEL pleasure in being touched. But women seem to be unable to grasp that I truly do not ache and long to be touched and "loved". This is not helping me because I am not being heard when I talk and dare to be honest about my experiences. I have in my few relationships swallowed my discomfort and my grief and allowed the woman I was with to touch me, to "give" to me... even though I had done all I could to plainly explain that the only thing that gets me off is giving pleasure and satisfaction just those words.
I survived two heterosexual marriages by denying my personal feelings and faking it to make those two men happy. Make them feel successful. And even though I have found my own identity as a woman-lover, I find myself pretending to enjoy receiving.
Is it "wrong" that I get my "zing" from giving HER a "zing?" And do you think I can learn to enjoy being touched? If I can find a woman who will at least begin by... starting where I am at?... It sure isn't going to happen until I do find a woman who starts by believing me when I say I just don't get anything positive (I do get heebie-jeebies) from being "given to" at this point in my life. Who will just let me rock her world until she can't see straight (pardon that word) without her HAVING to TRY to do the same for me HER way, rather than MY way. Hehehe, giving to me is just not what it takes to love me...
From Felice Newman, author of the Whole Lesbian Sex Book:[/br]
Here's the short answer: No, it isn't "wrong" to get your sexual gratification from gratifying your partner. It's hot! Sex does not have to be reciprocal (you do me, I do you). Many lesbians (butch, stone butch, and otherwise) get off primarily by facilitating their partners' orgasms. (And by reaching orgasm through masturbation.) Their partners count themselves as lucky to have found a stud who wants to satisfy them-- over and over and over.
Can you learn to enjoy touch? Yes. If that's what you want, there's really no limit. And finding a woman who will meet you where you are right now (profoundly uncomfortable with receptive touch yet interested in experimenting with it) will help. But don't feel pressured to "fix" yourself to meet other's idea of what a lesbian should be.
Want to find a partner who'll want you to rock her world until she can't see straight?? Try participating in online butch/femme community forums, such as Butch-Femme.com. Check out the resource listings of my book for other possibilities.
Publisher, Cleis Press
Author, The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
Got a lesbian sex question for Felice? Send it to me! email@example.com