I am having a really big problem with my girlfriend's vibrator. I'd like to say before I start that me and my girlfriend share a very intense love. With that intense love comes lots of other intense emotions. I just think that's important to say because of this horrible way I'm feeling about this problem.
She is unable to have an orgasm without a vibrator. I have been supportive and understanding and helpful as much as I can. But her problem is now affecting me. I feel like I enjoy sex with her more than she enjoys it with me. I have no problems having an orgasm, especially with her. The inequality is killing me. I want her to feel what I feel so bad and I don't want to use the vibrator to do it!
When I see the way she reacts to it, she looks so totally pleasured. She NEVER looks that exact way with just me. It's painful to watch. It actually leaves me with this empty, used up feeling. Like I gave all my emotions, my whole body to someone and I am not even getting a piece of her in return. I know that's dramatic. But how is a person supposed to deal with this? It's ruining our sex life.
She is basically telling me (because we're really serious about staying in this relationship forever) that I will never get the chance to give another person an orgasm for the rest of my life. Not cool. Maybe it's fine for someone else but it isn't fine to me. Where I guess I shouldn't care about her problem as long as the vibrator makes her feel good, I should be happy with that, right? To be completely honest here... WRONG! It is not hot to me to see her get off with that thing. Seriously. My biggest turn on in when the woman I am having sex with enjoys what I do to her, enjoys it so much she comes. That is my favorite thing about sex. The other girls pleasure is like 85% of sex to me. Organic pleasure, not synthetic pleasure. This is definitive. It will not change. Just like evidently her not being able to come without a vibrator won't change.
Lately, I don't even want to have sex with her anymore because it has affected me so negatively. She won't even try other things! I rub her clit, she says "That doesn't do anything for me," two second after I started! And yet claims she loves having sex with me, loves it better than anyone she's ever slept with.
How in the world are we supposed to compromise on this? She needs it to come. I hate it so much it makes me hate sex with her. I have no idea what to do. I want to be with her more than anything. She is the love of my life without a doubt but sex is a really big deal. I can't even tell her the bitter truth like I just told you because she's so sensitive about it. So I have kept my mouth shut for almost two years about my true feelings on the issue.
I want my girl to have an orgasm with me organically, is that so wrong?! I don't know if it's fixable. I would really like some advice on this. What's a good compromise (if any)? Is there anything she could try, like going off the vibrator for a long time? How can I talk to her about this? Is there any hope at all?
Dear Vibrator EnvyWow, this has really gotten to you. It sounds like you have been keeping this in so long that resentment has really built up. Not good. When resentment builds and builds, it can be hard to move on from that place.
Let's start with the positives. You love your girlfriend. She loves you. You are attracted to her and want to continue to have a good sex life.
Now the negatives. You've let yourself get so caught up in this idea that there is a "right" and a "wrong" way to enjoy sex that you are not enjoying it at all.
The vibrator is not the problem. Your girlfriend's ability to have an orgasm only with a vibrator is not the problem. The way you are looking at it is the problem. But I guess you already know that.
What Can She Do?
First let's start with some things you can ask of her. Just because she can only come with a vibrator, doesn't mean she always needs to bring it to bed. I think it's important that you let her know that you want to pleasure her sometimes with the toy in the drawer. She may not be able to achieve orgasm, but we all know there is more to sex than orgasm.
Ask her to let you perform oral sex on her, penetrate her with your fingers, or what ever it is that you're longing to do to her. Sex is pleasurable even without an orgasm. Ask her to let go and let you try to love her the way you long to.
Sex Toys are Not Bad
I'm also going to ask you to change your outlook about the vibrator. Go out and buy a new one. This is the one that you use only on her. She is not allowed to use it on herself. Imagine it is part of your body. Use it on her while you touch her breasts, rub her buttocks or caress the inside of her legs. Women like all kinds of sex toys from dildos to butt plugs, nipple clamps and g-spot stimulators. These can all be part of the sex experience. Sex with these toys is not better or worse than sex without them. It's just different.
Has she ever used the vibrator or you? Why don't you have her show you how much pleasure it bring her by demonstrating on you.
I don't know your girlfriend or her body, but there might be the possibility that with some training she could eventually have an orgasm without a vibrator. But that has to be something that she wants to look into for herself. A sex coach or therapist can be consulted.
Change Your Attitude About SexNow for you. If you don't change your attitude about this, your relationship will end. Do you really believe that you cannot live with a person who can have an orgasm the way you want her to? What if she were disabled and could only see out of one eye? Would you not want to be with her because she can never see the world the same way you do? Would you get angry that she can't see you coming in the room on the left, when you can see her perfectly?
It sounds to me like maybe it's time the two of you visit a therapist, or better yet, a sex therapist. You've been trying to come to terms with this on your own for two years and you are not able to do so. You can't even talk to her about it openly. If you can't resolve this issue, then I think you need to let her go.