The problem is that she wants to have sex all the time and I don't. There are many reasons for this, which when I tell her, she just sees them as "excuses, because you don't find me attractive anymore.” I work two jobs AND go to school, so by the time I get home at 9 pm, I'm exhausted, and I always have homework, so sex is usually the last thing on my mind. When we were first together, sex was three times a week, now it's three times a month!
I'm bored in the bedroomBesides me being exhausted, I'm bored. I've told her exactly what to do, where, when how, etc & she doesn't do it! I don't have the time or money to see a counselor. I want both of us to be happy, but I just don't know what to do! Please any advice would be extremely helpful!
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Sexless,Believe it or not, many couples fight about sex. And the usual reason is that one wants it more than the other. It seems like you’re at an impasse because each of you is blaming the other for the problem. Here’s how I see it.
First, you say you work two jobs and go to school. I can’t imagine anyone would be a good companion, let alone sex partner, with that kind of schedule. Is there anything you can do to change your schedule so you have more time for your partner? Could you get one full time job instead of two part time jobs? Could you cut expenses anywhere so you don’t need to work so much?
Here’s my perspective. In the past year, I’ve had two people in my life come down with life-altering illnesses. It’s made me take a look at my life. Yes, it’s important to save and plan for the future, but also live each day fully. When you look back on your life, are you going to wish you worked one more shift, or made love with your partner one more time.
Make Time in Your Busy Life for Sex and IntimacyMake sure you’re making time in your life for your partner. Is there something you can cut to make time for her? Or ways to cut expenses so you don’t have to work so much? Get a roommate. Cut your cable package. Take out a loan for some of your college expenses.
Now, get our your schedule and make dates with her for sex. Follow through, even if you’re not in the mood. And don’t forget to bring romance into the picture. Sometimes, sex is just sex, especially when you’re rushed for time. But don’t forget to schedule in some time for a full-on romantic evening. That’s the part you can change.
As for her, it sounds like she wants sex, but doesn’t want to make the effort to do the things you want to do. No wonder you’re not excited about it. Sit her down and talk about this, maybe armed with Felice Newman’s Whole Lesbian Sex Book. Point out some new things you’d like to try.
Sex and intimacy are very important to a relationship, but so is how we deal with conflicts when they occur. How you get through this tough time could be telling about dealing with the other issues that may arise in your relationship as you enter the future together. Remember that for every conflict, there are two people involved and usually two people who need to change. Do you part and ask her to do hers.