Guest Stars: Alan Cumming, Alexandra Hedison, Callum Keith Rennie and Lauren Lee Smith
Music by ezgirl
New Haven, Connecticut – 1985
Look! It’s young Yalie Bette and she’s wearing a sexy Flashdance sweatshirt. (Nice cross-reference, Ilene!) Oh, and there’s Coleman. Are they dating? No! Just having sex and pretending to enjoy it. They pause in mid-thrust and reflect on why exactly the sex is not going well. Hmmmm. Coleman admits to fantasizing about the Robert Mapplethorpe photograph the two had critiqued earlier. Bette admits a crush on their art history professor, a luscious Miss Palmer. (OK. Hands up? Who can relate? To all the college boys I ever um loved, I’m sorry. Professor Fuss was in bed with us. At least, in my head.)
Monogamy
It’s the morning after and Shane has dragged her sorry ass back to the apartment. Carmen has slept on the couch waiting for her, knowing what Shane has done. Carmen asks,” Are you in love with her?” Answer: “No.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” Carmen proceeds to torture Shane on the nature and meaning of monogamy for at least a few hours, until they make up and move on. (Yea. That’s exactly what couples do when a partner has cheated. Lucky Shane.) At one point, Carmen reads Shane the definition of monogamy from the dictionary, which includes a reference to birds and their mating habits. Shane, I think Carmen wants you to be the bird. Be the bird, Shane. During a teary shower scene, Shane admits she made a mistake. She tells Carmen, “I can’t say it won’t happen
again...but I want to try. You’re the first person I
want to make that promise to.”
Awww. As my friend Rachel observed, showers bring people together. I would argue that on this show, anything having to do with water brings people together—like pools, pool sex, bathtubs, bathrooms. Take notice or try this at home.
Alice Is Back!! And Better Than Ever!!
Having orgasmed 9,000 times with her Vampirologist, Alice is feeling more than fine. In her words, “Free at last.” Yea!!! By the way, could Leisha Hailey look more beautiful! She grows more exquisite with each episode.
Dana’s Struggle
Dana goes in for her operation. When it is over, Dr. Shapiro refuses to discuss Dana’s prognosis with Lara, because she is not “family”. (Bless you, Ilene and company for depicting this haunting reality. Girls, pay attention!) Lara reaches out to Alice, reveals that Dana is much sicker than she let on. Alice swallows the past and her pride to be a loving friend. When Dana’s parents arrive and tell Lara that she can go home, that they are responsible for Dana’s care, Alice confronts the Fairbanks. Reinforces that Lara is Dana’s partner, that it is Dana’s wish to have Lara by her side. (BAWL!!!)
The Odd Couple
Has anyone noticed that the bed Bette and Tina share has like tripled in size since Season One? That there is a space vaster than Texas between them? Cut to scene of their waking. Bette asks Tina about her feelings for men. What potential for a painful but honest and intimate discussion about their relationship, but Tina rises and walks away. Can we say pattern? Later, Bette suggests that Tina explore this man question, with the caveat that Bette can’t promise to be there when Tina finds her answers. (Foreshadowing # 367.5)
Some of My Parts
Miracle of miracles, Simon & Schuster wants to publish Jenny’s book. Just one catch: they want to publish a survivor’s memoir, not a fictional account. In other words, they want Jenny to get in touch with her inner cutter and go on tour sharing her truths. Can we say James Frey?
What Straight Girls Want
Frustrated by Dylan’s mixed messages, including the statement “What happened between us will never happen again”, Helena asks Tina for advice; more specifically, about what straight women want. Tina, referring to herself as a straight woman (uh-oh), tells Helena to let Dylan go, that “there is too much to undo,” including dreams of husbands, marriages, houses with white picket fences. “It almost never turns out as you want it to.” (Foreshadowing # 379) Their chat is interrupted by a knock at the door. Well, look who it is! Little Miss Dylan. Never say never. Helena and Dylan proceed to have hot sex on the office couch. (Quick poll: Who’s hotter? Alexandra Hedison or Portia de Rossi?)
