Rachel Shelley as Helena (Season 3)
Photo: Liane Hentscher/Showtime
Guest Stars: Alan Cumming, Eve Ensler, Alexandra Hedison, and Lauren Lee Smith
Music by ezgirl
Los Angeles Opera – 1996
Two opera stars bellow arias on center stage. They sing, “Let us go down together.” Now picture Bette and Alice in box seats. They’re not quite listening. We get a glimpse of an old Bette, the Lioness, as she slyly slips a hand under Alice’s dress. We hear moaning, see Bette’s smug and gleeful grin. An amused operagoer observes them through binoculars. Is the opera always this fun? Season tickets, anyone?
Some of Max’s Parts
Jenny enjoys helping Moira/Max become more of a man. It turns her on. Their new routine: inject hormones, have sex, inject hormones, have sex. Man, that dildo is getting a workout. Later, we see Max turn it on—I should say in— Billie. Wait. Is this part of the transitioning? Carmen and Shane are quite perplexed by Max’s process. (Do you not live in West Hollywood? How can a girl from Delaware know more than you two?) Speaking of which…
KOD
Carmen and Shane get matching tattoos—awww. Thank goodness the tats are not each other’s initials because that truly is the KOD or Kiss of Death. It seems like a big step and perhaps more than Shane can handle. That evening, while having sex, Shane pauses, then stops. She tells Carmen, “I’m sorry. I’m distracted. It’s not you.” Uh-oh. (How many of us have heard this before?) Can we guess where this duo is headed?
Tina, The Straight Girl
Gross, gross, gross! Tina flies to Vancouver, B.C. to rendezvous with Josh. It’s all very flirtatious and fine, until Josh opens his mouth to say, “I never thought that you were queer. You’re way too hot for that. You’re so not a lesbian.” (Yes, the writers actually had him cite those lines. How does one begin to comment?) Tina calls him on his ignorance. They have a shouting match. A sexually frustrated Tina pulls rank, reminds him that she is his boss. Josh thinks she’s crazy and despite his aforementioned ignorance, I kind of agree with him. I am convinced that the POWERS THAT BE are introducing an Evil Twin story line, that the Tina we know and love has been kidnapped and replaced by her evil straight twin. Either that or they are pulling an Anne Heche and suggesting that aliens named Celestia have abducted Tina. Whatever, just bring her back, safe and sound, to her home with Bette and Baby A.
“What starts in chaos, ends in chaos.”
Speaking of alien abductions, Helena has grown a conscience. When Dylan makes a move, Helena tells her, “I made a promise to myself to stop sleeping with married people.” Dylan protests and replies, “Danny’s my boyfriend. We’re not married. We live together.” Helena replies, “But in the lesbian world, that is married.” And continues, “I don’t want to be the lie you tell to someone…you know what I want. I don’t want it halfway and I don’t want it at someone else’s expense. We should just be friends. Can we try that?” Go, girl. I’m so proud of you. Are you the only one that learned anything last season? It scares me how much I am falling for Helena.
