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Does she Love Me or is She Just an Affectionate Friend?

Is this Love?

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Dear Lesbian Life

I'm only 17and I BADLY need advice. I asked God for help and he led me to you. Thanks to your articles, I can finally accept myself as a lesbian more confidently... and I'm infinitely grateful!

I know you are very busy. So I'll write in summary form for you: I love girl in my class, Kendra, for 4 years now. My family and society are homophobic, so I'm not out yet. I really want to tell Kendra I love her, but I'm scared about her reaction if she doesn't feel the same way. I can't bear hiding and pretending and relying on signs anymore!

The Big Question that I need answers is: Do those signs mean she's in love with me, or whether she's only being an affectionate friend...?

  • Hugs me all the time
  • "Moves deeper into me" (this is what I feel) while hugging me Doesn't even touch her other friends
  • If she does touch them, it's never as long, or as gentle as she does with me
  • Holds my hands a lot under the excuse that they are so warm
  • Caresses my cheeks while hugging me
  • Our legs touch while sitting next to each other (close to each other)
  • Stares at me in class
  • Is very aware of everything I do, I say
  • Prefers to be alone with me sometimes during recess or outings, rather than being with her friends
  • Our arms rub against each other when we walk
  • Joked to me she was a lesbian and then quickly hugged me and said it wasn't true
  • Touches my fingers every time I handle her something
  • Described me in an article as "the person you love the most"
  • Defends me a lot, making others understand that I'm "not favoring lesbianism" (When I secretly think in the opposite manner)
  • Puts her hand on my chair's seat, next to my thigh (touches it)
  • Started to date guys (but I really think she doesn't love them as she is always the first one to ask for a breakup)
  • Asked me whether it bothered me that she was dating guys
  • Asks me whether the guys could be faithful (and like a stupid, I can never say "NO")

But here are cons:

  • Doesn't speak to me at all when we're together at times
  • Makes fun of me and my mistakes to her friends very often, and it really hurts
  • Loves to make me feel embarrassed in front of others sometimes
  • Isn't as touchy as before
  • Would love to get married and have children

So honestly, what do you think of her? Can I have a chance, or am I dreaming of a dream that may never come true?

Thanks again, you're like an angel sent from the Heavens, to all those desperate girls like me...

Signed,
Seventeen

Dear Seventeen:

Well, I’ve never been described as an angel before, but I’m happy that this site has been helpful to you. Coming out as a lesbian in a homophobic place is hard and having a place to find others who think like you is invaluable.

From what you describe of your friend, it’s really hard to tell what’s going on. The way she is affectionate with you, she could be having feelings, or she might just be an affectionate friend, as you say.

The fact that she said she was a lesbian and then quickly retracted it is a sign that she could be a lesbian, or at least thinking about it. But she’s not quite comfortable with that label. Maybe she was testing you to see how you would react.

Regardless, it sounds like she is not ready at this point to come out or do anything about it. Teen girls are often very affectionate with each other. She may just see you as the friend that she can be this close with.

One thing that concerns me is how she mocks you and makes you feel embarrassed in front of her friends. Why does she do this? Does she think you don’t mind? Have you ever talked to her about it? Does she know it hurts you?

If you have talked to her about this and she continues to make fun of you in front of her friends, it seems to me like this would not be the kind of girl you’d want to have a relationship with. Will she respect you and respect your feelings?

You say she dates guys. How does she treat them? Is she nice to them, or is she mean? That would be a good indication of how she would be in a relationship with you, if she did return your feelings.

If I were you, I would proceed with extreme caution. If you do come out to her or tell her your feelings, I don’t trust that she will keep it to herself. What if she tells others and mocks you? How would you feel then?

I know you say you are thankful that God answered your prayers and brought you to this site, but sometimes we also have to thank God for unanswered prayers. She may not be the person you want her to be. Regardless of sexual orientation, we all deserve someone who loves us and treats us with respect. As a matter of fact, I would expect that even from a friend. Perhaps you want a relationship so badly you are willing to overlook her bad qualities. Keep your eyes open and continue to observe. Don’t take any action just yet.

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