I am 25 and my girlfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost two years. Three months ago, I found out that she cheated on me with some random girl at a club. They slept together, but it was only that one time. I can’t seem to get past it. We are still together, but I just don’t trust her. She did come clean about it. Should I forgive her?
Unsure in Albuquerque
Dear Unsure,If we are always seeking out what we should or should not do according to what we think is right or wrong, it can get pretty confusing.
Buddha once said, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”
Most importantly, do not stay in the relationship because you have a history with the girl. If I hear that one more time, I may jump off a bridge. I have a past with my favorite brand of coffee, but if they go out of business I am not going to call the company and say, “But we had a past!”
Some other reasons not to stay are because you are so convinced that you cannot do better or that someone else may get to have her. Those reasons are strictly ego-related and have no business determining actual happiness. It would be counter-productive for both of you to stay in a relationship without trust, let alone happiness. Building back trust in a relationship takes diligent communication, patience, and self love.
I don't condone cheating, but I do condone forgiveness. Forgiveness frees us of resentment, which is slow poison to a relationship. If she does it again, throw bleach on her clothes and head for the nearest train station. You know, keep it classy.
Emily Wilcox is a lesbian advice columnist and author of 100 Lesbians Walk Into a Bar.... Follow her at @100lesbians on Twitter