I am 38 and was dating a woman who is 49 and things in the beginning were fabulous. We connected right away, didn't have many things in common but it was good because we always had things to talk about. Before the relationship started we both knew lots about each other.
In May of this year she took a little vacation alone back to her hometown to visit family, and all was great until she came back from the trip. Things just kind of ended but not much was said about it. We talked again about it at a later date and she said that this breakup had nothing to do with me and was all her.
I asked what that meant and she said it was something she needed to deal with. She says she misses me. I miss her dearly as well, the company the sex the whole nine yards, but it doesn't sound like we will ever be together again.
I was totally taken back by this and was very sad and still am. I am having a hard time with the whole thing and not too sure what to do next or how to move on.
We do talk everyday and text and do still hang out and see each other like nothing had changed except, no sex or kissing, just that awkward hug when we see each other and then when we leave.
Once I leave I am so upset and usually always cry for the rest of the time. I really don't want to lose this friendship but have a hard time accepting we will never be together again. How do I get over this and still be friends with her?
Dear Heartbroken,
Breaking up is never easy. One of the biggest mistakes I often see lesbians making is not taking space after a break-up. It is unreasonable to think that you can move from lovers to friends without any kind of transition period.The thing you need to do is take some space. Sure, you may eventually be friends. Most likely you probably will, but while your heart is so fragile, it is only cracked open again and again each time you see her. It needs time to heal.
Let her know that you care about her and want to be friends some day, but for now, you need the time and space to heal. Then take that space. At least a month, but I think probably even more.
By space, I mean no texts, no emails, no seeing each other. If you have business to attend to, like shared pets or other things, you can communicate about those things, but don't do it over a drink.
Make no mistake, this is going to be hard too. If you really love someone, I don't think there is anyway to avoid the "hard." But just know that little by little, it will get easier, you will move on and one day you'll realize you're ready to be friends. That you've let go of your fantasy of being back together and that what you truly do want is to be friends. In the meantime, here are some other tips for dealing with a lesbian break-up.
