I am in a new relationship and it has only been a month. She is really into me. My problem is I want to break up with her because I am just not feeling it. But we just spent a weekend together and she thinks we are closer now. I feel awful dumping her after showing her such a good time. She will be devastated. I also fear she will spread lies about me. Is she going to hate me?
Paranoid in Peoria
Dear Paranoid,Yes, she is going to hate you. She is going to call you names and tell your friends you were bad in bed. And so what? You can't control what other people do or feel. It's not your business. You can only be the best and most truthful you can in this moment and anything else is up for others' interpretation. As if their opinion even matters.
We are not here to live our lives with a dishonest backdrop. Everyone spends his or her life doing the same thing over and over again-avoiding pain. We go to work everyday to avoid the pain of not having money, food or clothing. We stay in bad relationships to avoid the pain of being alone. We see doctors when we are sick to avoid physical pain. We see pain as bad and joy as good. Yet, without pain, we would have no sense of joy.
And no matter how hard we try, pain somehow finds it’s way in. At some point someone dies, someone dumps us, says mean things, gives us a ticket, steals our money, sleeps with our partner, crashes into us on the road or gives us a pet so we can watch it die (I’m still mad about that one). Pain is inevitable and we have no way of stopping it.
How awful would it be if you led her on even further? It is not your job to decide what pain or joy is best for her growth. For all you know, the pain she will feel will only help her recognize her joy.
Emily Wilcox is a lesbian advice columnist and author of 100 Lesbians Walk Into a Bar.... Follow her at @100lesbians on Twitter