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Teen Lesbian Jealousy

A College Lesbian is Jealous of Her Girlfriend's Friend

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Dear Lesbian Life:
I have a girlfriend, and it’s the first one ever. I didn't know that I was even into girls until I met her.
But she's a lesbian, having the appearance of the cutest guy I've ever seen! Tomorrow is our seventh month anniversary and I love this girl with everything in me. It was a love at first sight thing and frankly I feel whole being with her. I'm in my first year at college and she's a senior in high school and I often come down from school and stay at her place for the weekend.

I love this girl and would do anything for her. She treats me like a princess but we do have our ups and downs. Over the summer I had broken up with her because I was stupid and naive but she did everything in her power to get me back. We have been going strong since then.

I'm Jealous of Ellen

But there's this girl Ellen that has come into the picture. Now, Susan promises me that she doesn't want Ellen in that way and I've told her that I was uncomfortable with them hanging out all the time but she kind of ignored that.

It’s true that I would say that I am okay with it, but I'm a girl! She should know that when I say it's fine after I've made such a big deal about it that I was just simply trying not to make a big deal about it. Her and Ellen text back and forth all the time and Susan calls Ellen “hun.”

Susan would never watch Twilight for me but I saw that she told Ellen "She just might watch it for her.” And they're supposed to hang out on Homecoming. I don't like it! But I feel hypocritical. I love this girl and don't want to lose her. Even as I'm writing this, I'm sitting with her family and we're all so close and Susan told me this morning that the only way I could hurt her was by leaving.

I just get mixed signals about the situation. Susan is completely comfortable around me and we've just started having sex and she says I'm the only girl that she sees in that way and that I'm the only girl that she wants and I believe her, but I just want Ellen to go away! It's not like me to be jealous, but I am because Susan is my everything. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together and I don't doubt it. But do I have something to worry about?

I confronted her about it and she said that I had nothing to worry about and that she would delete her number and from Facebook. I feel terrible for being so insecure that I would condone that. Do you think that I am blowing this out of proportion? I would greatly appreciate your feedback, it feels nice to ask someone that actually has experience in this area.
Wondering About Ellen

Dear Wondering:

I’m wondering too. Wondering what it is about Ellen that makes you so worried about her. From everything you describe, there is nothing you need to worry about. Your girl treats you like a princess, her family loves you, you have a really good thing. You and your girlfriend do not live in the same city. In order for a long distance relationship to work, there need to be a few key elements in place.

The first is trust. You can’t see her everyday, but you should be able to trust that she is not going to step out on you. That she will be honest with her feelings and you should be with yours.

The next is communication. I don’t really understand what you mean when you say you told her you were okay, but she should understand differently. No. You should tell her what you feel and not play games. People are not mind readers. Even if you are a girl, whatever that means. Get that notion out of your head right away, that she should somehow inherently “get” you and decipher your meaning out of mixed up words. You should strive to be a fierce and clear communicator. That is going to be the only way you’re going to understand each other. And even then, sometimes it is hard. You’re two different people, from two different backgrounds. You should consider it your job to try and understand her and make it your priority to be understood by her.

And finally, you need to both have your own lives in your separate towns. You’re in college and I assume making friends and having a social life. Susan needs that too. It sounds like Ellen is being Susan’s friend, that’s all. If you try too hard to control Susan, you’re going to lose her. Take a look at your insecurities and don’t expect her to have to change her behavior, just because you’re uncomfortable. In a mature relationship, each partner “owns” what is theirs and strives to work on it.

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