I am 18 years old and graduating high school. I'm going to college on a full scholarship and I have huge plans for my future. I am currently in a relationship with my best friend. We met when I was in 10th grade and she in 9th. We have been seriously "together" for about 10 months.
It has been hard for us. She does not want anyone to know. And neither do I. We are both not fully lesbians, But we not ashamed of how we feel for each other. We just want to avoid torment at school and from our families. I have never told anyone about it. I feel that I cannot trust anyone I know to hold such a secret.
Basically, things were rocky at first. I wanted to be with her, but then I was afraid and dated a boy for a little while. When I felt she was really the one for me, I left him for her. I did that twice. We have finally overcome my twisted emotions and everything has been steady for a few months now.
Can It Last Forever?
We have told each other we wanted this forever. It was so naive of us. I know that's exactly what she wants, but for me, I don't think I want that anymore.I have been getting more feelings for a boy lately, and doubting our relationship for many reasons-
1. I've doubted myself, because I know that this could never last, and I keep having feelings for someone else. I feel I am betraying her and I cry because I can't think of how much I am hurting her. I haven't been telling her how I feel.
2. Over the months, she has become insanely clingy. I can't hang out with my old friends without her feeling jealous or giving me a problem about it. We have had way too many arguments over it. Its wasted anger and don't want to deal with it anymore.
3. She keeps making me promise things that I don't want to promise. Like "Promise me we will be together for as long as we can. Promises you wont leave me" Of course I promise. Sometimes I mean it, but sometimes I don't. I have been feeling trapped. And I feel so terrible to keep hurting her.
We have been involved intimately, and I don't want it to progress anymore than it has. I miss having her as a best friend. We used to do so much together- go places, watch movies, and just hang out as good friends. Now all the time she just wants to kiss and stay inside alone. I just want to enjoy my final year of high school without having an anchor.
And I still want to be friends with her. I've tried to break it off to be friends again. But she cries so much and threatens to cut herself, that I can't take it and give in and say we can work it out.
I feel now, it is inevitable. We've had so much trouble trying to work this out, and it has worked, but I feel our time is over.
I'm so confused and feeling so terrible. She is a great person in every way, and she does not deserve this heartache. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I break it off, she will really hurt herself this time. And I can't afford to have that. I still need her and still love her deeply. I always will.
But I just feel that I need her more as a best friend rather than a girlfriend. This is just so hard when you have no one to lean on for support.
Stuck in Seniorville
Dear Stuck:
This is too much for someone your age to deal with. Relationships at 18 are supposed to be fun and learning experiences. Your first love is usually not the one you will be with forever. You realize this. Your girlfriend does too. That is why she is so clingy.You have to find a way to end this. Is there any one you can trust to talk about this? A counselor? A teacher you can trust?
It sounds to me like you girls had a sweet thing, but now it over. You have moved on, but she can't accept that. Being in the closet is only making things worse.
Believe it or not, her behavior is abusive. Threatening to hurt herself if you leave her is one of the signs of an abusive relationship. So is keeping you from seeing your friends. Sounds like she may be coercing you to do things sexually that you don't want either. I wonder in what other ways is she trying to control you. Does she threaten to "out" you if you leave? To tell your family?
This is not a healthy relationship. For either of you. Staying with her is bad for you both. You cannot stay with someone because don't want to hurt her. Break ups hurt. There is not way around it. But the lessons we learn from that are valuable too. Protecting her from that pain is not helping her. Will you stay with her until you are 80, just so you do not hurt her? Better to end it now, before things get any deeper.
You have to find a way to break free, as this girl is not good for your psyche. Yes, you deserve to have fun in your senior year, to date a boy if you wish and to see your friends. You may need adult help to get through this, because she potentially could harm herself. There must be someone you can trust to talk to.
But you must also understand that if she does harm herself, it is not your fault.
I know you are afraid to share your identity, but I wonder what you are so afraid of? By keeping it a secret, you are causing yourself much more harm. She has the power to control you in a way she would not if you were out and open about who you are. Please read this article about the signs of an abusive relationship and again I urge you to talk to someone you can trust.
